Confessions from the Fog

Today's ramblings are brought to you by pure hindsight being 20/20. There's a LOT of misinformation out there about what you are most likely going through, I'm assuming if you read my blog you are going through something that most people can't comprehend because being married to and having NPD in laws isn't all that common, really. There is a huge myth that abuse stems from anger. It does NOT. You cannot 'trigger' abuse by angering the person. Abuse is the CHOICE that the other person has made to react to you in an extremely inappropriate way. Everyone gets angry. Furious even. Emotionally mature adults know when they have reached their limit and will remove themselves from the situation to avoid further confrontation. This does not happen in people with NPD. Their whole world revolves around themselves and they will not 'admit defeat' by leaving a situation when it escalates. Rather- they would stay and make utter asses of themselves using ver...

Jesus. This has been one of the most painful years of my life and also the most complex. I lost him but I found myself and somehow that was everything. Like a true narc he has gone on a smear campaign to my friends, HIS psychiatrist he is supposed to be seeing for abusing me, and has also gone on a downwards spiral including but not limited to, being day drunk on his day with our son. NOPE. Even losing me, his family, everything we worked for- he has no appreciation or real remorse at his actions that have led us here. It hurts. All the work we put into staying together in spite of it all. Doesn't matter. Not when your spouse refuses to fight the narc within himself and, in time, grows more and more hard-hearted as they are. The downfall of our relationship wasn't abuse. Although that IS my reason for walking. It was his refusal to change, take responsibility and truly be a better man. It hurts that I wasn't enough. He would rather lose me and our family t...

This post is incredibly painful for me to write. As with all narc blogs, there is usually a lull in writing as the person heals, moves forward or whatever their history with the narc is put behind them. I'm out of the frying pan with his family and currently in the fire. I've honestly been in this so long I haven't seen it myself. From the fall of '16 to now, I clearly see I am IN a marriage with a narcissist. It sickens me, it truly does. I don't know if it is nature of nurture or both but I am struggling to make sense of the pieces in my life. What changed? I finally opened up to some friends about the reality of my own marriage and was shown quite clearly, that I am in an abusive marriage. He wasn't always like this. Not to me. The lovely person I married has changed into the person his parents made he isn't even trying anymore to fight those demons. I can go into detail on the verbal abuse I have suffered since writing this blog even started ...

I have grossly abandoned my blog for some time now. I think part of that is from things actually being good- as in non-existent- between myself and the narcs. Also, while being important to share- this blog does bring up bad memories for me and years of my life that are painful to think about. That being said. WOW.  42,748..... that is the number of views my blog has had since I started it.  I never in a million years dreamed anyone would read it much less so many of you. It's been five years since my husband's family came into my life and four of those years with limited to no contact since. Right now I have zero contact with any of them. I know DH still talks to them on the regular. I'm not stupid. And yeah, it bugs me. But it has nothing to do with me and I'm more than ok with keeping it that way. Dealing with his family has brought us together, but it has also torn us apart. The love is still there, but the in love-ness? It's morphed into a knowing compa...

There is a common theme I see and have noticed in myself over the years. The need for permission! I feel so many readers come here or peruse other ACoN blogs to get the validation they need to let go. Deep down we're all damaged little kids at heart. We're all used to having authority figures telling us what to do and what not to do, so when it comes to something taboo (cutting out one's family) we seek validation our feelings are legitimate before doing what needs to be done for our own emotional and mental (even physical) health. I'm guilty of this as well. Fact is, some of us get non-apologies from our narcs. This only leads to more confusion and guilt as we are supposed to 'play by the rules' and 'forgive' what often can't be forgiven. In the case of non-apologies, I like to refer to this post by my dear friend Sister Renee   http://www.luke173ministries.org/466803 Ultimately- what STARTS the whole moving forward process for ACoNs, is the pe...

I'm four years out now, from all the chaos and hurt that never was resolved or healed. It's crazy, huh? Also four years since I first started blogging about this whole mess. I haven't been writing much about this but that's really the natural course of these blogs. There comes a time when you simply have said it all and once you are removed from your surroundings, there just isn't fodder for emotional garbage anymore. Or so they say. Lately, the NMIL has been trying to write me. I've yet to respond to anything and honestly, there is nothing for me to respond to. They will always have our address for tax purposes, thanks to the setup of the trust DH is involved with. There never was an apology to me specifically and they know this. No amount of grasping for straws of common ground from them will ever 'get me back' they never really got to know me. I just feel like it's the end. Of feelings from me, of an era of pain and sadness. Nice t...

Just sending some of my thoughts into cyberspace. Ever notice how you can really tell a lot about a person's morals by how they treat others who can do nothing for them? As far as N's go- there IS NO SUCH THING as simply being nice to someone else. For the sake of being a decent human being, you know. Like normal people sometimes do. N's aren't normal. If you can't give them something in return they will do nothing for you OR create something you can do for them, whether it be flattery, dealing with their bullshit, etc. You might find some N's are religious and can give large amounts of support and funds to overseas missions and the like- however, they will never reciprocate that to someone truly in need if the good deed goes unnoticed by the whole of society. But they will make millions of dollar missions trips to Africa..... That's just my own experience with N's. All the ones I have known are very, very rich and yet somehow still give crap g...

I was thinking of this late the other night as I was up for no good reason. Not sure if I ever shared this tip, but it's a simple exercise that really has done wonders for self-healing. With narcs, it's hard to heal! You never get an apology, never get an acknowledgement that they have hurt you or that they are even sorry, what normal people don't quite 'get' is that people like us have to find some way to continue on with our lives haunted by what was and what never will be resolved this side of heaven. Narcs go on living their own hurtful, self-centered lives and you have to somehow pick up the pieces they left of your heart and put it back together again. Moving on while broken is the hardest thing many of us have had to do! I admire that so much. Not having closure- it's no wonder so many ACoN's struggle with PTSD thoughts, triggers and nightmares. The 'Brick Wall' technique is one I made up and taught myself and it might not work for every...

It's always interesting for me to watch the sage unfold- as a specter. For indeed I have been dead and buried to them for some time now, but I can watch from far off in the distance as the dynasty of domination falls down around them. If you've read my blog since the beginning, you'll know NMIL had built her mansion (literally, I'm not figurative here) around the idea that someday all the adult children would be able to move in with their families if need be. Making each child's bedroom a suite of sorts with it's own bathroom, etc. Creeptastic, right? Well anyway, DH is in minor contact with the N's for tax purposes, which means he does hear snippets of the grand goings-on of the 'big house'. Irony of ironies, the last unmarried sibling has moved out with a significant other and is not looking like they will return. This means the house is empty aside from NMIL and NFIL, of course and whatever missionary they might entertain in this grand house j...

For a while I have been running a small (ok- very small) personal facebook page for others I have met, but I wanted to make an anonymous public page too. We'll see how it goes ;) No need to like or comment from your own personal account, anonymous ones are welcome! https://www.facebook.com/pages/Confessions-from-the-Fog-spouseofanaconanon/1463196650671143

Can you believe it? I know I can't. Living proof that time does go on after such horrible drama- that one day you WILL be able to look back on it all with the clarity that is hindsight. What I wish I could say to myself when I first started this crazy crap-ride with abusive narcissists.... Oh the tales I would tell! ;) I would tell myself: It gets better. It might not be at first or for a very long time, but the distance of time makes it hurt less. You will probably never 'get over' what happened. Don't be too hard on yourself. The things they did and said will always hurt to think about. Just because they hurt does not mean you are not in a better place! There was nothing you did or could do to have made it better. That's the nature of abuse. Just because they're in your past doesn't mean they have to be in your future. Because of this, you will be a better person. You will live more honestly and love more genuinely, you'll learn to weed...

My husband and I had a conversation a while back on what we would change about our past, if anything. Hindsight is 20/20, looking back I would still be with him- BUT I would have noticed the warning signs and planned our lives accordingly to have as little stress as possible on our early marriage.  The scapegoat/black sheep of a narcissistic family can make a GREAT marriage partner, but it's not for the faint of heart. I wouldn't discourage anyone from marrying someone like this for that reason alone. Often ACoN's are the most kind, intelligent, thoughtful people. A life of abuse has made them that way and, if they can get out of their circumstances, they are often the best advocates for victims of abuse. So, here are some signs I wish I knew before I got caught up in the whirlwind of deceit and gaslighting: - How is your significant other's family in terms of distance- do they all live together? Close by? Is there that one lone wolf that is away from the pack for n...

Just a note, it's been a while since I posted regularly. This is because we are moving across the country! DH is in the military, so we're being moved. That is all ;) I can't say where, but it will be nice to see some beaches for a change!

I didn't realize just how big this syndrome could be. Complete with support groups and web pages galore, some of my personal favorites here: http://www.aga-fl.org/ https://www.facebook.com/findmygrandparents From arguing that cutting ties to biological family is 'erasing' a child's past, hence potential, etc. etc. it's clear to me that most of the people running or posting to these sites are absolute nutters. As a side note, my heart does go out to the grandparents cut out by toxic children. It happens, I certainly don't promote that. The genuinely concerned seem few and far between in these communities. If you want to see how a narc talks, look no further! "I am absolutely astonished how my adult child could cut me out after all I've done for them...." "My daughter cut me out along with her loving husband of 20 years and now refuses contact with us both" (ummm just a hunch but could be because she was being abused and you...

There really can be true happiness after leaving an abusive relationship in the past. For one, the pain you used to feel is less than it was. Time really does put a wall of distance between us and past abuse. You begin to care less and less about them, their opinions, lifestyles and the very notion that they are alive and well and not dead. It's hard for N's to fathom that. How could ANYONE really not care about them? Well- we can. Once you find that peace that comes with distance, it really is liberating to not give a crap about them. The days you do not think about them or the abuse turn into weeks without thinking of them. Then months and (hopefully) years. I never thought it was possible, but it is. Years out from the abuse, it really is exciting to realize you can go whole weeks without once thinking of your abusers. Ultimately, going no-contact gives you the freedom to be YOU. The *you* you never could be with them telling you who to be and how to live your ...

This is why there is no contact for us. Not because we are horrible, unforgiving people- but because some relationships need to be given up in order to pursue a happy and healthy future. In this case, it is not up to the 'plate' to fix itself and resume a relationship as if nothing had happened.  N's don't get this. Why would they? It's up to us to make them complete, they're truly not capable of fixing anything. 

*expletive* this. Seriously. Who has the holiday spirit when you have N's?? Those unwelcome chimps just pop out of the woodwork and say howdy-do like suddenly you're besties. I'm thinking of you all this holiday season, no matter where you're at in your relationship to the narcissists in your life- know you're not alone. There can be peace and joy in the small moments and glimmers of hope behind the pain of going through Christmas family-free. I've really struggled with being gracious lately, to those well-meaning individuals who know my whole history with the N's and somehow- *still* ask if we've seen/heard from them and how they're doing. Um. Okay. There will always be people who don't 'get it'. To be honest, cutting off a toxic family member is never an easy choice. No matter the abuse or situation, it's always a choice that no one can judge unless they've walked in your shoes. The N's may feel it's easy f...

Truth. It's not pretty. Not in the least. But it's freedom. That's why I write. My in-laws tried to silence me and according to my husband they 'found a blog and aren't happy about it'. Well, why would they be? Me airing out their dirty laundry they've paid people to keep quiet about. The internet's a funny thing. See, here there IS no censoring. No money in the world can make these words I write go away. It empowers the weak and gives much-needed reality checks to the ill-meaning. It's emotional vomit. If you came here to read a fairy tale, you should stop reading now. I don't just write for my story, I write for the thousands of others who have read my blog and know my story as it coincides with theirs. I write to expose the N's in all their glory as selfish pigs. I do not include names, but many, many of my friends know the names I choose not to post here. I'm not sure if the N's have found my blog, but they are w...

I *hope* we're coming close to ending contact for good with the N's. DH only has his one email through which they contact him- irregularly, but still there. With the tax issue being resolved it's entirely possible to burn all bridges of communication. This is good. DH has been seeing a therapist and they have been helpful. They understand our no contact but think there could be value in keeping a line of communication there in case the flying monkeys (SIL/BILs) have a change of heart. Frankly. They won't. I'm encouraging my man to cut the ties here so that HE is no longer hurt by them, if for no other reason. SIL is getting married (psycho one with the lynching pop-up book? yeah?) and so far DH has heard from her a few times in the past month. The first contact with her in over three years. She says she's hurt he won't come to her wedding and that he is making HER look bad in front of her future in-laws. Hearing this, I did laugh hysterically. J...

In the process of figuring out what DH's role is in the family business plan, we've heard from the flying monkeys. I'm especially happy we may soon FINALLY have the details as to hubby's share of the company and how we might be able to sever contact for GOOD since they may not need to contact us again for tax purposes. Believe people when they tell you that N's will take any big news as a means of getting back into your life. They'll even take THEIR big news as a means of getting back in. As if magically, after 3 years of giving a sh!t, hubby will want them back in our lives.... they suddenly divulge the information that SIL is engaged at the ripe old age of 19 to pretty much her first boyfriend. SIL has always had a passive role as a flying monkey and has barely acknowledged DH since we married three years ago. But suddenly she's saying their dad (FIL) bought DH a random computer game for the computer he sold a year ago. A game he has never been intereste...