The Plate Analogy
This is why there is no contact for us. Not because we are horrible, unforgiving people- but because some relationships need to be given up in order to pursue a happy and healthy future. In this case, it is not up to the 'plate' to fix itself and resume a relationship as if nothing had happened.
N's don't get this. Why would they? It's up to us to make them complete, they're truly not capable of fixing anything.
You have a great blog, and an easy to read style.
ReplyDeleteI have found that no contact is not a panacea however. Both sides of my family (husbands and mine) are filled with Narcs. We have truly tried to talk to them about their behaviour, but receive nuclear powered hostile responses. They are completely outraged that anyone should expect them to behave like reasonable adults and maintain the right to be as selfish, manipulative and arbitrary as they want to be.
After about six years of no contact with both sides, we have received random (always when you least expect it) contact either phone calls (from in laws) to my husband or letters to me from my family. We either ignore them or make it clear we are not interested in ‘having coffee’ with people who refuse to talk to you for ten years at a time and then suddenly see the need to ring you, at work, and give you a five minute précis of their terrible lives (almost as good as a soap opera plot) and then want to ‘catch up’ with you. These are random phone calls from emotionally retarded adults who act like 3 year olds. Whatever they feel like doing in the moment is the most important thing in the world and they will force it on you regardless of what you are doing or how many other people depend on you to be focused on your work. In my husband’s case, he is responsible for other staff and works in a hazardous environment which requires maximum concentration or serious accidents can happen. Not the sort of job which can be interrupted by random phone calls from sociopathic family members.
I say no contact is not a panacea because the pain of the loss is slow to heal. In fact, I think it is unreasonable to assume it will completely go away. The fact that we are placed in families (the bible tells us God puts the solitary in families) means that belonging is a very important part of our lives. Even when you have a husband and children, not having extended family leaves a huge hole. Not only do you lose family but you lose the benefit of having others around you who know you. That shared history, the comfort of being with those who remember your childhood and enjoy your children, is a vital part of life. Not having it is hard.
Summer, thanks for taking the time to comment. I agree. It's not a cure-all. However, I've found at least- that even though no contact leaves a hole, the hole of their absence is always healthier than the alternative.
ReplyDeleteI'm a firm believer in friends-as-family, too.
It's hard to start from ground zero and not have those bio-family ties to other people, but starting over is starting over based on truth. Whereas I feel most narcs build relationships (abuser>victim, that is) on falsified history, in a twisted view of the past- even their own childhoods or their children's childhoods aren't what they'd like you to believe. I know DH has very few memories that are accurate due to the embellishments of his parents over the years.
May you find peace and comfort in truly amazing people as you start building that community you lost! That's my hope for ALL ACoN's. :)