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Showing posts from December, 2012

December Vent

Here comes a rambly, jumbled rant post. A glimpse into a day in the life of a mad pregnant woman. After a long day of being on my feet, sorting out continual nausea and forgetting everything imaginable (social, phone number, address.... god I even forget what road I'm driving on- look out!) I am now putting my feet up. Well, kind of. This is me relaxing. :p As good as it's going to get for a go-go-go til it's done kinda gal.

My older cat put her paw on my arm and patted it gently as if to say 'there, there'. Aren't animals great? No matter how bad you think you are, how ugly, how hormonally imbalanced- if you love them, they'll love you back 110%. My pets keep my spirits high and hopes up while humanity can be a total let-down sometimes. Their love for you is truly unconditional and incredibly refreshing. I feed them and pet them and cuddle them so, to them, I am the queen. It's quite nice. I love home. I'm a homebody at heart. Happiest with a good …

Feel free to share

To all those who wish to start a blog but are unsure of being completely anonymous, or to others who just want to share your story but don't want to start a blog for it: I'll be happy to post for you! Taking other's stories would help me stay anonymous as well as help you to get your story out there in a way that's harder to trace back. Just an idea. :) I'm swamped with horrible morning sickness at the moment (still ugh!) and it may take me a day or two to reply but I'd be happy to share your story for you with absolutely no strings attached. Change dates, names- whatever you want. If you think your story may help others, I'd love to post it for you.

spouseofanaconanon@gmail.com

-Gracie

N's: The African Dogs of the human species

It's every parent's worst nightmare. Watching helplessly on the sidelines while your little one is killed. This happened a while back in the states and I remember reading the story and being utterly horrified. 
read the story here
In brief, a mother dangled her toddler over an exhibit railing. Losing her grip the child fell into an enclosure of African painted dogs and was quickly mauled to death. In a matter of minutes, this child's life was over. 
I have little pity for the mother. One could argue she didn't mean to do it or any other such excuse, but for an accident like this to happen, there had to have been some fault by the mother in this situation. Putting a three year old to sit or stand on a rail feet above a safety net, over an exhibit of extremely dangerous animals is hard for me to excuse. What was this person thinking in overstepping the boundaries put there by the zoo to keep these people and dogs safe?! It angers and upsets me, but it's my own opinion…

Grandparents Rights

Regarding no contact or lack of relationship with the N's, I've heard a number of comments coming from well-meaning people. Even those who know about what they are like.
"I hope that changes when grandbabies come"
"of COURSE they'll be there as soon as the baby is born, you can't keep them away"
"Just let them visit, DH can talk to them and you'll be involved with the baby and won't have to say much"
"You won't be able to keep them away from your baby"

Um HELL NO.

Before I found out I was pregnant I felt having a child would be the last 'first' step away from the N's permanently. The thought of it hung over my head like a cloud, threatening to rain on any joy DH and I could possibly have thinking about bringing a baby to our family. I wrote previously about going through an early miscarriage before this current pregnancy, the thought of having children was a burden on my mind and weighed me down with pain …

The biggest fights

Honestly, I should have sold tickets.

It hasn't been easy for me, this no contact journey with the N's. I lived with a guy who wouldn't believe me for months and felt it may encourage someone if I wrote about it. I know many women live with their husbands who are in denial for years on end.

I lived the majority of a year in that hell. From the 2 week long visit to the N's in which I felt trapped to the entire drama which ensued and led up to our no contact with them. The months between both events were probably the worst in my entire relationship with DH. I'm surprised we made it through together.

We're not a fighting couple. We both dislike having bad feelings between us and (probably due to both of us being the middle kid) aren't selfish and would rather give in than upset the other person. We rarely fight. The N's changed that. Through this year and also our first bit of marriage they were the crux of many arguments and yelling matches.

When I would …

Rebuke-repentance-apology

Daily, I hear stories of those trying to live with N's- or others who obviously have clear psychological problems that are not being dealt with. Boundary issues, inappropriate near reverse-Oedipal complex issues arising from NMILs and the like. I feel many, many women just 'deal with it' and are told to do so. I am not sure if there are a greater number of women than men living with these toxic in-laws, maybe more women than men seek help and understanding. (?) It's something I've been very interested in for over a year now.

I am recently, er... less than five years married not to give away my actual wedding date or disclose any personal information that could be tracked to me. I don't pretend to have all the answers, I'm just a young wife and soon-to-be-mother living with the pain of abuse and trying to find my way out of the mess of being legally related to people whom (I believe) have serious psychological issues. I'm a newbie to this. It blows my mi…

Christmas Carols for Narcissists

I saw this today posted on a blog by Elisse Stuart (http://elissestuart.wordpress.com/)
Utterly hilarious and too good not to share!


1. Gaslighting Narcissist:  I Don’t You Hear What You Hear, what voices? Voices? Maybe You’re crazy!
2. Lying Narcissist:  I’ll tell you I’ll be Home for Christmas and then I won’t show up.
3. Basic Narcissist (Garden Variety):  Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
4. Narcissist in the Manic mode:   Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets And Stores And Office And…. 5. Narcissist AKA Multiple Personality Disorder:  We Three Queens/Kings Disoriented Are
6. Paranoid Narcissist:  Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me
7. Narcissistic & BPD: You Better Watch Out, You Better not Shout, I’m Gonna Cry & I won’t tell you why
8. Psychopath Narcissist:  Thoughts of roasting you on an open fire…
9. The N in OCD mode:  Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…
10.  Martyr Narcissist:  Have Your…

Are N's aware of what they do?

It's really mind-blowing for me to see the amount of views this blog gets. Today the total is well over 600 with hits coming from not only my homeland of the U.S.A. but also Germany, New Zealand, Australia, Serbia and the UK. N's are worldwide. I feel this is only testimony to the theory that NPD is indeed a personality disorder. Language, time and oceans are no barriers to warped tendencies and human nature gone awry. My heart really does go out to any and all reading this who have been affected by toxic or abusive in laws and family.

This leads me to my main question today. Do N's know what they do?

Absolutely.

People suffering from NPD have an enlarged sense of entitlement- usually acting out in ways that they ultimately know go against social norms and standards. They have their own 'rules' as seen in my last post and those rules differ for them in comparison to others in their lives. Many N's act out of anger when facing 'opposition' even if there …

Detox

Purging, cleaning, throwing out garbage. Forget spring cleaning- for me that's been happening as we hit the holidays. According to my favorite dictionary (frown away)- wikipedia...


Detox may refer to:
Detoxification, the process, real or perceived, of removing toxins from the body.
Drug detoxification, processes to reduce or relieve withdrawal symptoms in drug addicted individuals.
Detoxification (alternative medicine), is the unsupported belief that a change in consumption habits can remove toxins from the body.

Getting rid of things that make you sick- both literally and figuratively. There have been many times I've felt the need to emotional detox from certain situations, end of a bad relationship, end of a crappy week, etc. As we approach our anniversary and Christmas this year, I feel the need to detox once more. In some ways I'm glad it's been a year since the continued abuse. In other ways... well, it's been a year and anniversaries are never pleasant when i…

Nature vs. Nurture

Life's not fair. By now, I think there's few of us (probably none of us reading this) that assume a rosy view of the outside world. If you were in contact with an N, related to them or grew up with them- chances are you know this all too well.

Welcome to crazy town, as on the show 'Whose line is it anyway?' I like to say that everything here is 'made up' and the 'rules don't matter'- if you're an N, that is. If you ever wonder whether or not someone is an N- look at the way they handle criticism. Chances are they're not very good at it and it's clear they don't play by the same rules as everyone else is expected to live by!

I've noticed N's have a unique sense of the world around them as dictated by their own skewed perception of reality. They really do live on a different planet. Religion is a cover-up, praying for people is just another reason to pity them and groom them for future victims. There are SO many rules that exis…

Confession number 4

I've been debating on how much of this to share on my blog, but when I committed to writing everything and anything down- I meant it. The whole truth and nothing but the truth, right? I'm really quite messed up and been afraid to admit that for so long. I write this blog as much for others and I do for myself, sometimes noticing trains of thought in my posts I didn't realize were circulating around in my head driving me nuts.

Confession number four: mentally, physically and especially emotionally- I'm a wreck. I do a good job of pretending to be okay though and God only knows how I managed to get through the past year. With my wedding anniversary coming up as well as that being the one year NC mark with the N's- I've had a lot of nasty thoughts and issues surface. My plan was to 'celebrate' this really sad day by drinking and forgetting all about it. But now that I'm knocked up- that's not an option. D: It's probably a good thing I can't…

The 'gift' of fear

During my time in university as an undergrad, I experienced many scares that came along with the territory of being a girl living in the farthest dorm from campus. During my freshman year I didn't have a car and the regardless of what route I took back to my dorm chances are I'd have to walk a great stretch with little to no outside lights around. Most of the time I would take my bike and speed, praying all the way and hoping I didn't run into trouble. My campus job let out late at night leaving me returning 'home' around 11:30 or later. I hated it! My mom always told me I could call campus safety if I wanted an escort back to my dorm as that what they were there for, I always opted out. After all, I was already laughed at for being alert when I went to college in a small town. To others, it didn't matter that there was still gang violence and predators as we were informed via self defense classes. And so, trying not to burden anyone... I took my chances and of…

TWENTY-ONE RULES OF NO CONTACT

*the below is an excerpt from, I  believe, Sister Renee Pittelli's works from Luke 17:3 ministries. As far as I can tell she is the origin of these rules specifically although I have seen many variations of them on different ACoN blogs and books. These rules I have found personally most helpful since the narcs in my life are my in laws and we do not live in the same town as them, making the P.O box an easy solution to our 'new address'*
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1.No talking to them no matter what happens and no matter what you hear.

2.No letting them talk to you, No listening to anything they say, No "hearing them out."

3.No letting them into your house and No going to their house. If it is possible to move, then move, get a P.O. box, and don't let them know when or where you're going.

4.No phone calls and No returning voicemail messages. Change your number to unlisted an…

Hush Money

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I feel as though I should be typing this in an old black and white movie, lights dim. Corner office with sultry sax music playing in the background. Fedora tipped oh so lightly over my eyes as I work at a typewriter in the shadows.


Something like.... this. 
Why do I feel so mafia-esque today? Feel free to pull up a chair with a glass of something special and listen closely. Away from the window.... this is meant to be on the down-low. I guess you could call this my second confession. 
I get hush money. So does my husband. 
According to Merriam-Webster's learner's dictionary, the term 'Hush Money' (noun) means: money paid so that someone will keep information secret : money that you pay someone to hush something up 
 as in.....He's accused of paying her hush money to keep their affair secret.
As someone with monetarily cushy NILs, money is a simple solution to family issues. Savory tidbits of information are covered up, buried under time, effort from the N's and…

Creating a family

I remember reading a friend's facebook status a while back and how it really got my dander up. I'm probably butchering it terribly but the quote from this God-fearing woman was that,

"Ties to family are God-made and should never be broken. They are the greatest gift and you should treasure  those ties by never, ever breaking them."


Say what?

Pardon me while I laugh sardonically but that is really funny. (not!) This is much the mentality I've faced in my search for the truth. Even so-called 'experts' I listened to via radio or interviews would give the same bull answer to those really suffering from their family. I dreaded opening my heart and hurt to the world only to hear in return, "yeah, but they're family. You'll always be related to them. You can't cut them out."

Oh yeah? Watch me.

Nothing gets me angrier (I believe righteously so) than hearing people abusing power by giving only more power to the abusers in a situation. After h…

How to deal with flying monkeys

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As I mentioned in my last post, N's are really schoolyard bullies with carefully crafted armies of henchmen... I prefer to call them what many ACoN's do... flying monkeys. The image really is universal as very few people have never in their life watched The Wizard of Oz. Most of us can identify the mental image of a lime green witch sending out her troops when Dorothy and her friends are on their quest. Much the same can be said for N's. As an ex-ACoN or ex-victim, you probably are in search of simple things- sanity, peace of mind, physical and mental safety. Many of us are on a quest to find such things for ourselves after the abuse from the N's. But, like Dorothy and her pals, there will be obstacles along the path the N's set to trip us up and make us fall right back into their grasp. 
N's hardly ever work alone. Take a look at many N family dynamics and you will often find there is at least one enabler (if not a silent majority) that seeks to be the middle…

More on NPD

I'm a firm believer that you can tell the health of a family's interrelationships by the amount of love said family units generate towards those inside and out. I remember fondly going over friend's houses at a young age, being able to tell which families were genuinely at peace and full of joy and those that were not. It's in the atmosphere. It's as clear to outsiders as the temperature in the room. In healthy, joyful families you can feel at  ease. You can feel acceptance and love upon even a short visit to the home.

With N's, it's my personal experience that visiting their homes are different. Like visiting a fake store display near Christmas, you can see happy faces and smiles and even careless joy thrown around like confetti- but none of that is real. The cardboard and well-dressed mannequins simply show the public what the store wants you to think. What succeeds in marketing. This family is happy. This family wants for nothing. This family is the kind…