Confession number 4
I've been debating on how much of this to share on my blog, but when I committed to writing everything and anything down- I meant it. The whole truth and nothing but the truth, right? I'm really quite messed up and been afraid to admit that for so long. I write this blog as much for others and I do for myself, sometimes noticing trains of thought in my posts I didn't realize were circulating around in my head driving me nuts.
Confession number four: mentally, physically and especially emotionally- I'm a wreck. I do a good job of pretending to be okay though and God only knows how I managed to get through the past year. With my wedding anniversary coming up as well as that being the one year NC mark with the N's- I've had a lot of nasty thoughts and issues surface. My plan was to 'celebrate' this really sad day by drinking and forgetting all about it. But now that I'm knocked up- that's not an option. D: It's probably a good thing I can't drink at the moment because it forces me to face some of the awful truths under the surface, to pull out memories and feelings of dread as the anniversary looms up.
I've always struggled with an anxiety disorder. It's heredity as my grandma had a history of panic attacks and I seemed to take after her mostly. I remember experiencing anxiety and panic attacks as a child, the sinking, dying feeling of dread and fear that made it hard for me to breathe. Ever since I can remember I've had episodes triggered by stress or just out of the blue. I learned to cope with them and to this day it's still something I struggle with. My abuse at the hands of the N's caused my prior panic attacks to become much worse and much, much more frequent. There was a point where I experienced them on a daily basis starting after the abuse all through my engagement and early on in my marriage. I finally saw a doctor and tried medication after medication, finally finding one that seemed to help. Thankfully it's something I can still take daily while expecting. I still have panic attacks, though and I'm really sick of dealing with them. They can come at the worst times, even in the middle of the night. Sometimes getting out helps, sometimes it makes it worse. I've spent countless hours running to open a window in the winter for air, trying to breathe in and out until it passes.
In high school I first started hurting myself, a behavior which- I hate to say- resurfaced during my time in contact with the N's. Don't think I'm admitting this for attention- heck- I'm anonymous here. Again, the medication has helped with those feelings but it's something I struggle against every day. Feelings of worthlessness, of not being able to do or say anything right sometimes overwhelm me. Since encountering the N's I find their verbal abuse and treatment of me to resurface in memories and dreams I try to suppress.
I often have nightmares of the abuse over and over. I have nightmares in which they are in new situations and abuse me. I have nightmares in which I respond to the abuse by hurting- or trying to- hurt them. I have nightmares where I kill the N's with my own bare hands and feel absolutely no remorse- but happiness that they are dead. Almost needless to say these dreams disturb me a great deal! And yet I wonder- if given the chance, would I act on these impulses? If like in my dreams the N's were to physically break into my house against my wishes- would I try to kill them? I don't have the answer to that but I certainly feel unnerved at my elation of overcoming them with power in my dreams. In some ways I feel these dreams are simply my suppressed psyche seeking to make peace with the fact I was abused and powerless, I was manipulated and torn down and did nothing to help myself.
In total honesty I do feel I may be happy at the news of their death. I feel terrible for admitting that. I know I will sleep better at night knowing the world has less people out there who abuse and manipulate others at will. I feel comfort in knowing they are getting older, closer to death. I rest soundly knowing their health is not all that great.
I know I'm a nut-case. I've been to therapy. I know I have a long way yet to go towards healing. Maybe someday I won't care about them, truly and totally. It's my hope that they die to me in my mind long before their actual death. No contact has helped with that.
It scares me that I still find my dream-self wishing them harm when I work so hard to forget the past and bury it under layers of forgetfulness. I can say that up til this past year I have never wishes harm on any human being. Now I do. I know what hatred is and now how powerful it can be. I know that no matter what there may always be a burning desire to see harm come to my abusers. I pray for comfort and forgiveness for myself on a regular basis. I feel terrible for these confessions and dreams that haunt me. And yet- something about it makes me feel totally and completely human. I think it's human to feel righteous anger towards injustice, to want to seek to fight against it and do everything to stop it from happening.
For me, religion is a comfort. Not the N's twisted view of religion, but my own. It helps me to know that no bad deed goes unpunished. For me, it helps me to believe in a hell. I know this may not help everyone, nor do I expect anyone to agree with me on this. Personally though, knowing the N's will be punished for their abuse is a comfort to me. Believing that someday wrongs will be made right is a comfort. Especially living in a world where evil is often enabled and abusers sanctified as 'good people' while the victims are left silent and hurting.
I'm not perfect. Far from it! I know I'm messed up. The following are things I say to myself on an almost-daily basis whenever the abusive words resurface.
I am a loving person.
I am an honest person.
I am truthful, kind and intelligent.
I WILL be a great wife and mother because I care.
I stand up for others and myself.
I have done nothing wrong to the N's and they have absolutely no ground on which to stand to call me a liar, bitch, selfish, evil or manipulating woman.
I will live the rest of my life to the best of my ability.
I will prove them wrong.
I will take care of myself and my emotional and mental health for my baby. I have promised myself to be the healthiest, happiest person I can be as depression and anxiety can negatively affect an unborn child if gone unchecked.
This past April I went through an early miscarriage. Before I knew I was pregnant, it was over. Not many people know of this but I do attribute this to hormonal imbalances as well as the emotional turmoil I was going through with the N's at the time. I feel maybe, just maybe I would have been fine if it weren't for the abuse. But- there's really no answer to that. All I know is that now, I am incredibly thankful everything seems to be going well with this pregnancy. My heart hurt for a long time after this happened and you better believe the words of my NMIL came up time and time again. 'You'll be a terrible mother' Honestly, who says that to their daughter in law???? Who says that to any other human being? You'll be a terrible parent, a terrible spouse, a terrible person. My god- the N's have no boundaries. What a bitch.*end rant*
I am so excited for this baby, hoping everything is going alright and eager to see/hear our little one in upcoming doctor's appointments. I'm starting my 2nd trimester and couldn't be happier. So take that, NMIL and stick it where the sun don't shine!
* I apologize if this post is disjointed (more than usual!) such are the emotional ramblings of my brain today*
Confession number four: mentally, physically and especially emotionally- I'm a wreck. I do a good job of pretending to be okay though and God only knows how I managed to get through the past year. With my wedding anniversary coming up as well as that being the one year NC mark with the N's- I've had a lot of nasty thoughts and issues surface. My plan was to 'celebrate' this really sad day by drinking and forgetting all about it. But now that I'm knocked up- that's not an option. D: It's probably a good thing I can't drink at the moment because it forces me to face some of the awful truths under the surface, to pull out memories and feelings of dread as the anniversary looms up.
I've always struggled with an anxiety disorder. It's heredity as my grandma had a history of panic attacks and I seemed to take after her mostly. I remember experiencing anxiety and panic attacks as a child, the sinking, dying feeling of dread and fear that made it hard for me to breathe. Ever since I can remember I've had episodes triggered by stress or just out of the blue. I learned to cope with them and to this day it's still something I struggle with. My abuse at the hands of the N's caused my prior panic attacks to become much worse and much, much more frequent. There was a point where I experienced them on a daily basis starting after the abuse all through my engagement and early on in my marriage. I finally saw a doctor and tried medication after medication, finally finding one that seemed to help. Thankfully it's something I can still take daily while expecting. I still have panic attacks, though and I'm really sick of dealing with them. They can come at the worst times, even in the middle of the night. Sometimes getting out helps, sometimes it makes it worse. I've spent countless hours running to open a window in the winter for air, trying to breathe in and out until it passes.
In high school I first started hurting myself, a behavior which- I hate to say- resurfaced during my time in contact with the N's. Don't think I'm admitting this for attention- heck- I'm anonymous here. Again, the medication has helped with those feelings but it's something I struggle against every day. Feelings of worthlessness, of not being able to do or say anything right sometimes overwhelm me. Since encountering the N's I find their verbal abuse and treatment of me to resurface in memories and dreams I try to suppress.
I often have nightmares of the abuse over and over. I have nightmares in which they are in new situations and abuse me. I have nightmares in which I respond to the abuse by hurting- or trying to- hurt them. I have nightmares where I kill the N's with my own bare hands and feel absolutely no remorse- but happiness that they are dead. Almost needless to say these dreams disturb me a great deal! And yet I wonder- if given the chance, would I act on these impulses? If like in my dreams the N's were to physically break into my house against my wishes- would I try to kill them? I don't have the answer to that but I certainly feel unnerved at my elation of overcoming them with power in my dreams. In some ways I feel these dreams are simply my suppressed psyche seeking to make peace with the fact I was abused and powerless, I was manipulated and torn down and did nothing to help myself.
In total honesty I do feel I may be happy at the news of their death. I feel terrible for admitting that. I know I will sleep better at night knowing the world has less people out there who abuse and manipulate others at will. I feel comfort in knowing they are getting older, closer to death. I rest soundly knowing their health is not all that great.
I know I'm a nut-case. I've been to therapy. I know I have a long way yet to go towards healing. Maybe someday I won't care about them, truly and totally. It's my hope that they die to me in my mind long before their actual death. No contact has helped with that.
It scares me that I still find my dream-self wishing them harm when I work so hard to forget the past and bury it under layers of forgetfulness. I can say that up til this past year I have never wishes harm on any human being. Now I do. I know what hatred is and now how powerful it can be. I know that no matter what there may always be a burning desire to see harm come to my abusers. I pray for comfort and forgiveness for myself on a regular basis. I feel terrible for these confessions and dreams that haunt me. And yet- something about it makes me feel totally and completely human. I think it's human to feel righteous anger towards injustice, to want to seek to fight against it and do everything to stop it from happening.
For me, religion is a comfort. Not the N's twisted view of religion, but my own. It helps me to know that no bad deed goes unpunished. For me, it helps me to believe in a hell. I know this may not help everyone, nor do I expect anyone to agree with me on this. Personally though, knowing the N's will be punished for their abuse is a comfort to me. Believing that someday wrongs will be made right is a comfort. Especially living in a world where evil is often enabled and abusers sanctified as 'good people' while the victims are left silent and hurting.
I'm not perfect. Far from it! I know I'm messed up. The following are things I say to myself on an almost-daily basis whenever the abusive words resurface.
I am a loving person.
I am an honest person.
I am truthful, kind and intelligent.
I WILL be a great wife and mother because I care.
I stand up for others and myself.
I have done nothing wrong to the N's and they have absolutely no ground on which to stand to call me a liar, bitch, selfish, evil or manipulating woman.
I will live the rest of my life to the best of my ability.
I will prove them wrong.
I will take care of myself and my emotional and mental health for my baby. I have promised myself to be the healthiest, happiest person I can be as depression and anxiety can negatively affect an unborn child if gone unchecked.
This past April I went through an early miscarriage. Before I knew I was pregnant, it was over. Not many people know of this but I do attribute this to hormonal imbalances as well as the emotional turmoil I was going through with the N's at the time. I feel maybe, just maybe I would have been fine if it weren't for the abuse. But- there's really no answer to that. All I know is that now, I am incredibly thankful everything seems to be going well with this pregnancy. My heart hurt for a long time after this happened and you better believe the words of my NMIL came up time and time again. 'You'll be a terrible mother' Honestly, who says that to their daughter in law???? Who says that to any other human being? You'll be a terrible parent, a terrible spouse, a terrible person. My god- the N's have no boundaries. What a bitch.*end rant*
I am so excited for this baby, hoping everything is going alright and eager to see/hear our little one in upcoming doctor's appointments. I'm starting my 2nd trimester and couldn't be happier. So take that, NMIL and stick it where the sun don't shine!
* I apologize if this post is disjointed (more than usual!) such are the emotional ramblings of my brain today*
My wife would tell you I am now symptomatic about all that lied within and few would have guessed I was troubled by for so long.
ReplyDeleteI would tell you nothing has changed except I am willing to talk about my past in an open and candid way.
If I hold back, it's for others and not for me.
No matter what my outward appearance may be. I feel so much more free since I gave up the charade.
Good luck with the baby and disjointed is the way I like it.
Anxiety sucks. I struggle with it. I always had an undercurrent of anxiety as a child, but nothing compared to what came forth after my NM divorced my father. And then, several years into my marriage, I was suffering daily anxiety attacks as well. I've gotten much better, but now, even the thought of my in-laws visiting sends my heart racing and a lump in my throat.
ReplyDeleteKnow that you are not alone.
What can I say. You are a good person. I think you are really sensitive and so the negative comes in really really hard. Don't beat yourself up for having these negative thoughts about your in-laws they have done their best to harm you, your husband and your relationship. Wishing you all the best. I think it is good to be honest, you should not live in the dark. Expose yourself to the light, share your thoughts, I think this will be healing for you. And for god's sake your pregnant, this brings you even more in close contact with your true feelings. Big hug, J.
ReplyDeleteThanks, all! I really don't feel bad about my feelings anymore. It really helped to write this.
ReplyDeleteI was glad when my father died. GLAD. I don't feel badly for being glad either.
ReplyDeleteI wish it had been more painful. I wish I could have had a hand in it. I wish he had left me money.
I think it is proper and right to celebrate when evil dies.