Monday, October 10, 2016


I have grossly abandoned my blog for some time now. I think part of that is from things actually being good- as in non-existent- between myself and the narcs. Also, while being important to share- this blog does bring up bad memories for me and years of my life that are painful to think about.

That being said. WOW. 42,748..... that is the number of views my blog has had since I started it. 

I never in a million years dreamed anyone would read it much less so many of you.

It's been five years since my husband's family came into my life and four of those years with limited to no contact since. Right now I have zero contact with any of them.

I know DH still talks to them on the regular. I'm not stupid. And yeah, it bugs me. But it has nothing to do with me and I'm more than ok with keeping it that way. Dealing with his family has brought us together, but it has also torn us apart. The love is still there, but the in love-ness? It's morphed into a knowing companionship, I think as all marriages do over time.

You can't change anyone. You can only change yourself. Sometimes that encourages others to change, sometimes things stay as they always were. And that's okay.

Sending lots of love out there to you guys xx.

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Giving Yourself Permission

There is a common theme I see and have noticed in myself over the years. The need for permission! I feel so many readers come here or peruse other ACoN blogs to get the validation they need to let go. Deep down we're all damaged little kids at heart. We're all used to having authority figures telling us what to do and what not to do, so when it comes to something taboo (cutting out one's family) we seek validation our feelings are legitimate before doing what needs to be done for our own emotional and mental (even physical) health. I'm guilty of this as well.

Fact is, some of us get non-apologies from our narcs. This only leads to more confusion and guilt as we are supposed to 'play by the rules' and 'forgive' what often can't be forgiven. In the case of non-apologies, I like to refer to this post by my dear friend Sister Renee

Ultimately- what STARTS the whole moving forward process for ACoNs, is the permission we need to move forward with our lives without them! Here are a few things I've personally noticed when it comes to this:

Only YOU have the power. That's right- YOU can give yourself permission to live free from the horrors of your past. Abuse is abuse is abuse- no matter the kind, the healing always starts within yourself- the moment you give yourself permission to move forward and stop being a victim.

You will likely feel incredibly guilty, this isn't because you're doing anything wrong- but you are defying the pattern of 'forgiveness' that is so, so wrong but so prevalent in our culture. The mindset that something is wrong with US if we do not reconcile is huge- and hugely damaging to victims of abuse. Again, this is normal to feel since it has been ingrained in us since birth- especially those of us with enabling families.

No matter what you believe, you can call on higher powers to help you. I am not a very religious person but I do find scripture to be healing and true. For those of us with religious abusers, it can help to really read and understand what the gospel says about abuse and forgiveness. I highly recommend Luke 17:3 ministries as my friend there is MUCH more learned in the gospel than I am. To counteract abuse by 'religious' people- it will be so healing to you to soak in the truth of the gospel and how it is NOT the same gospel your abusers used against you!

Empower yourself. You deserve to live a life free of abusers and abuse! No matter how small they have made you feel, no matter how many nights you've cried yourself to sleep feeling worthless.... you deserve to be okay! It's hard to be ok with the people who have abused you still popping in and out of your life, it's okay to say no- close the door and be free of them.

To deny yourself permission to move on with your life without them- is to deny yourself the chance to really LIVE- to heal the hurt once and for all. You're not doing it to punish them, you're doing it for you and only you.

We can begin healing when we say, "I am not perfect- but I am NOT to blame. I am not God or a deity- I do not have the power to offer unconditional forgiveness. I have my own permission to move on with my life and I can choose to leave them out of it. I can't change my past- but I can change my future. I have the power to remove myself from the situation that is constantly hurting me."

I sincerely hope that this helps someone today!

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Counting Losses

I'm four years out now, from all the chaos and hurt that never was resolved or healed.

It's crazy, huh?

Also four years since I first started blogging about this whole mess.

I haven't been writing much about this but that's really the natural course of these blogs. There comes a time when you simply have said it all and once you are removed from your surroundings, there just isn't fodder for emotional garbage anymore.

Or so they say.

Lately, the NMIL has been trying to write me. I've yet to respond to anything and honestly, there is nothing for me to respond to. They will always have our address for tax purposes, thanks to the setup of the trust DH is involved with.

There never was an apology to me specifically and they know this. No amount of grasping for straws of common ground from them will ever 'get me back' they never really got to know me.

I just feel like it's the end. Of feelings from me, of an era of pain and sadness.

Nice try, guys- but I'm emotionally unreachable anymore.

I guess some N's feel they are beyond the rules of space and time, that they can just crash in whenever and be welcomed because they are just that awesome of people to be around.

That surely, no mere collateral damaged person will forget about them.

But I really have.

They can keep sending things to me, but I won't ever respond. There is nothing left to say. If they want to pretend there's a relationship they can talk to a closed door because I've already left that house.

In the end, you have to do what you have to do to protect your own heart. I'm counting my losses. I will never have a second family in my husband's family of origin. Never have I ever and never will I ever feel like I do.

It's a loss. It's unfortunate, but ultimately- it's their loss because they never got to know me and will never get to know my son.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Strings Attached

Just sending some of my thoughts into cyberspace. Ever notice how you can really tell a lot about a person's morals by how they treat others who can do nothing for them?

As far as N's go- there IS NO SUCH THING as simply being nice to someone else. For the sake of being a decent human being, you know. Like normal people sometimes do.

N's aren't normal. If you can't give them something in return they will do nothing for you OR create something you can do for them, whether it be flattery, dealing with their bullshit, etc.

You might find some N's are religious and can give large amounts of support and funds to overseas missions and the like- however, they will never reciprocate that to someone truly in need if the good deed goes unnoticed by the whole of society.

But they will make millions of dollar missions trips to Africa.....

That's just my own experience with N's. All the ones I have known are very, very rich and yet somehow still give crap gifts to people around them. But if a gift is going to be talked about and recognized- aka, abroad missions and having their names attached to something- everyone get outta the way!

With N's there is no such thing as simply being a decent human being or Christian. Guarantee you, there are always strings attached.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

The Brick Wall Exercise

I was thinking of this late the other night as I was up for no good reason. Not sure if I ever shared this tip, but it's a simple exercise that really has done wonders for self-healing.

With narcs, it's hard to heal! You never get an apology, never get an acknowledgement that they have hurt you or that they are even sorry, what normal people don't quite 'get' is that people like us have to find some way to continue on with our lives haunted by what was and what never will be resolved this side of heaven.

Narcs go on living their own hurtful, self-centered lives and you have to somehow pick up the pieces they left of your heart and put it back together again. Moving on while broken is the hardest thing many of us have had to do! I admire that so much.

Not having closure- it's no wonder so many ACoN's struggle with PTSD thoughts, triggers and nightmares. The 'Brick Wall' technique is one I made up and taught myself and it might not work for everyone, but for me it's been very helpful.

You know when you can feel the history with the narcs seeping into your subconscious? Whether barely asleep or wide awake, something in your mind isn't quite at peace because you're experiencing a trigger or feeling a memory coming on but don't want to give it full control to make you a crying mess all day. I still get these feelings, even years out from the abuse!

In this mental exercise, whenever I feel the memories of the narcs start to break loose from the awful corner of my mind I try to keep them locked away in- it helps me to picture my memory and my mind as having sturdy, new brick walls I can control just by thinking about them. If I start to feel bad emotions or get upset, I can push them back into their place and mentally imagine myself fixing the 'wall' stone by stone- brick by brick- until it's safe and secure and I can separate myself from the trauma of those feelings.

Just imagining those thoughts and fears are walled-up, unable to hurt you or bring you down.

I always try to take deep breaths, focusing on the happy thoughts after I'm done with this exercise. The things I'm looking forward to the most, it's important to stay in the NOW. Only then can you move onto greater things.

Do you have 'walls' you need to fix? Does staying in the NOW/today, this very instant help you? I'm no therapist and don't claim to be, but I hope this helps someone the way it has helped me.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

The House of Usher

It's always interesting for me to watch the sage unfold- as a specter. For indeed I have been dead and buried to them for some time now, but I can watch from far off in the distance as the dynasty of domination falls down around them.

If you've read my blog since the beginning, you'll know NMIL had built her mansion (literally, I'm not figurative here) around the idea that someday all the adult children would be able to move in with their families if need be. Making each child's bedroom a suite of sorts with it's own bathroom, etc. Creeptastic, right? Well anyway, DH is in minor contact with the N's for tax purposes, which means he does hear snippets of the grand goings-on of the 'big house'.

Irony of ironies, the last unmarried sibling has moved out with a significant other and is not looking like they will return. This means the house is empty aside from NMIL and NFIL, of course and whatever missionary they might entertain in this grand house just to keep up appearances of having their sh!t together. Because you know, normal God-fearing humans do that sometimes.

I have no idea how close the siblings are to the parents here, I only know that my own DH has not seen them in four years now.

It doesn't really surprise me that this big house is now empty, there really is nothing for the adult children to come home to after living a life of pleasure and the pursuit of happiness.

And so I watch and wait, it certainly will be entertaining to see what happens and IF any of them should cut ties and live their own lives apart from the family group.

After all, when you've spent all your life controlling your children- what is left for you when they're gone?

Friday, July 31, 2015

Anonymous Online Community

For a while I have been running a small (ok- very small) personal facebook page for others I have met, but I wanted to make an anonymous public page too. We'll see how it goes ;) No need to like or comment from your own personal account, anonymous ones are welcome!