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Abuse isn't an anger problem: it's a character problem

Today's ramblings are brought to you by pure hindsight being 20/20.

There's a LOT of misinformation out there about what you are most likely going through, I'm assuming if you read my blog you are going through something that most people can't comprehend because being married to and having NPD in laws isn't all that common, really.

There is a huge myth that abuse stems from anger. It does NOT. You cannot 'trigger' abuse by angering the person. Abuse is the CHOICE that the other person has made to react to you in an extremely inappropriate way.

Everyone gets angry. Furious even. Emotionally mature adults know when they have reached their limit and will remove themselves from the situation to avoid further confrontation. This does not happen in people with NPD. Their whole world revolves around themselves and they will not 'admit defeat' by leaving a situation when it escalates. Rather- they would stay and make utter asses of themselves using verbal a…

Divorcing a narc

Jesus.

This has been one of the most painful years of my life and also the most complex.

I lost him but I found myself and somehow that was everything.

Like a true narc he has gone on a smear campaign to my friends, HIS psychiatrist he is supposed to be seeing for abusing me, and has also gone on a downwards spiral including but not limited to, being day drunk on his day with our son.

NOPE.

Even losing me, his family, everything we worked for- he has no appreciation or real remorse at his actions that have led us here.

It hurts.

All the work we put into staying together in spite of it all. Doesn't matter. Not when your spouse refuses to fight the narc within himself and, in time, grows more and more hard-hearted as they are.

The downfall of our relationship wasn't abuse. Although that IS my reason for walking. It was his refusal to change, take responsibility and truly be a better man.

It hurts that I wasn't enough. He would rather lose me and our family than risk being wr…

Married to a Narc

This post is incredibly painful for me to write.

As with all narc blogs, there is usually a lull in writing as the person heals, moves forward or whatever their history with the narc is put behind them.

I'm out of the frying pan with his family and currently in the fire.

I've honestly been in this so long I haven't seen it myself. From the fall of '16 to now, I clearly see I am IN a marriage with a narcissist.

It sickens me, it truly does. I don't know if it is nature of nurture or both but I am struggling to make sense of the pieces in my life.

What changed? I finally opened up to some friends about the reality of my own marriage and was shown quite clearly, that I am in an abusive marriage. He wasn't always like this. Not to me. The lovely person I married has changed into the person his parents made he isn't even trying anymore to fight those demons.

I can go into detail on the verbal abuse I have suffered since writing this blog even started years ago- …

Update

I have grossly abandoned my blog for some time now. I think part of that is from things actually being good- as in non-existent- between myself and the narcs. Also, while being important to share- this blog does bring up bad memories for me and years of my life that are painful to think about.

That being said. WOW. 42,748..... that is the number of views my blog has had since I started it. 

I never in a million years dreamed anyone would read it much less so many of you.

It's been five years since my husband's family came into my life and four of those years with limited to no contact since. Right now I have zero contact with any of them.

I know DH still talks to them on the regular. I'm not stupid. And yeah, it bugs me. But it has nothing to do with me and I'm more than ok with keeping it that way. Dealing with his family has brought us together, but it has also torn us apart. The love is still there, but the in love-ness? It's morphed into a knowing companionship,…

Giving Yourself Permission

There is a common theme I see and have noticed in myself over the years. The need for permission! I feel so many readers come here or peruse other ACoN blogs to get the validation they need to let go. Deep down we're all damaged little kids at heart. We're all used to having authority figures telling us what to do and what not to do, so when it comes to something taboo (cutting out one's family) we seek validation our feelings are legitimate before doing what needs to be done for our own emotional and mental (even physical) health. I'm guilty of this as well.

Fact is, some of us get non-apologies from our narcs. This only leads to more confusion and guilt as we are supposed to 'play by the rules' and 'forgive' what often can't be forgiven. In the case of non-apologies, I like to refer to this post by my dear friend Sister Renee
http://www.luke173ministries.org/466803

Ultimately- what STARTS the whole moving forward process for ACoNs, is the permissio…

Counting Losses

I'm four years out now, from all the chaos and hurt that never was resolved or healed.

It's crazy, huh?

Also four years since I first started blogging about this whole mess.

I haven't been writing much about this but that's really the natural course of these blogs. There comes a time when you simply have said it all and once you are removed from your surroundings, there just isn't fodder for emotional garbage anymore.

Or so they say.

Lately, the NMIL has been trying to write me. I've yet to respond to anything and honestly, there is nothing for me to respond to. They will always have our address for tax purposes, thanks to the setup of the trust DH is involved with.

There never was an apology to me specifically and they know this. No amount of grasping for straws of common ground from them will ever 'get me back' they never really got to know me.

I just feel like it's the end. Of feelings from me, of an era of pain and sadness.

Nice try, guys- but I…

Strings Attached

Just sending some of my thoughts into cyberspace. Ever notice how you can really tell a lot about a person's morals by how they treat others who can do nothing for them?

As far as N's go- there IS NO SUCH THING as simply being nice to someone else. For the sake of being a decent human being, you know. Like normal people sometimes do.

N's aren't normal. If you can't give them something in return they will do nothing for you OR create something you can do for them, whether it be flattery, dealing with their bullshit, etc.

You might find some N's are religious and can give large amounts of support and funds to overseas missions and the like- however, they will never reciprocate that to someone truly in need if the good deed goes unnoticed by the whole of society.

But they will make millions of dollar missions trips to Africa.....

That's just my own experience with N's. All the ones I have known are very, very rich and yet somehow still give crap gifts to p…