Married to a Narc

This post is incredibly painful for me to write.

As with all narc blogs, there is usually a lull in writing as the person heals, moves forward or whatever their history with the narc is put behind them.

I'm out of the frying pan with his family and currently in the fire.

I've honestly been in this so long I haven't seen it myself. From the fall of '16 to now, I clearly see I am IN a marriage with a narcissist.

It sickens me, it truly does. I don't know if it is nature of nurture or both but I am struggling to make sense of the pieces in my life.

What changed? I finally opened up to some friends about the reality of my own marriage and was shown quite clearly, that I am in an abusive marriage. He wasn't always like this. Not to me. The lovely person I married has changed into the person his parents made he isn't even trying anymore to fight those demons.

I can go into detail on the verbal abuse I have suffered since writing this blog even started years ago- but I will leave you with the hardest, most painful facts I can about what happened that sought me to seek a psychologist's help and physical safety.

He has hit me pregnant.
Kicked me while I was pregnant.

There are so many cases of us fighting and him using beyond a shadow of a doubt- vengeful force to inflict pain upon me.

And then he gaslit me. So many times til I was doubting myself.

That's why I'm still here.

Cause I could go months with a dream mate and in between episodes of pure hell.

He has used my son as a pawn. Screaming in his face that I am a bitch. To my three year old.

Using HIS own fear against me, screaming at my son then holding him in between us and saying I am the problem. I am the one scaring him.

It's bad.

Again, he has put SO much on me through this.

We don't fight so much anymore because I swallow the pain and don't respond. He claims he's changed. He claims he's different.

When we do talk about 'us' he says we are both the victims and both the abusers and 'you need to get help for your abusive tendencies or you will never be happy in any relationship'.

The thing keeping me here is 'what if he's right'.

Anyone who's been abused by a narc knows how painful that dichotomy can be.

He takes my pain and uses it as fuel against me. Anything I confided in him ever is now a weapon.

As per my history here, my family has thrown me back into the fire when I was burning. I told them the first time he hit me years ago and they replied with 'you must have done something really bad then'.

I stopped confiding in them.

Aside from the friends I told you about I have no support system. I know now that I cannot stay for the sake of my son, if not for me. If I stay I lose myself.

It just isn't a good situation and I am so scared of life on my own, with a special needs kid.

I'll update more as a guide myself through these waters.

Five years. Married. Better than 25 I know but still. I feel so used. So stupid. So worthless because of all the lies I've lived with and put up with from the man I love.

He cannot and will not separate from his family. Ties go too deep. Whether he hits me again in 10 or 5 years from now or months- it does not matter. I know that now. It's a pattern. It will happen again. There is no fixing this.

I'm not a fan of divorce but there is no fixing abuse.

I love you all. Sorry I don't have better news.

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