December Vent

Here comes a rambly, jumbled rant post. A glimpse into a day in the life of a mad pregnant woman. After a long day of being on my feet, sorting out continual nausea and forgetting everything imaginable (social, phone number, address.... god I even forget what road I'm driving on- look out!) I am now putting my feet up. Well, kind of. This is me relaxing. :p As good as it's going to get for a go-go-go til it's done kinda gal.

My older cat put her paw on my arm and patted it gently as if to say 'there, there'. Aren't animals great? No matter how bad you think you are, how ugly, how hormonally imbalanced- if you love them, they'll love you back 110%. My pets keep my spirits high and hopes up while humanity can be a total let-down sometimes. Their love for you is truly unconditional and incredibly refreshing. I feed them and pet them and cuddle them so, to them, I am the queen. It's quite nice. I love home. I'm a homebody at heart. Happiest with a good cup of English black tea in my hand, a fire in the fireplace and Netflix on Masterpiece Mystery. Introverted to the max, extroverted by acting experience. That's me.

Throwing the N's into the mix really threw me for a spin. Something I realize I'm still reeling from. Even now, a year after my last contact with them I still get questions, still get assumptions that they are good to their son and in his life (hence my life as well). I had to tell my mother yet again today that nope, they didn't send anything for Christmas. In my heart I wished for hush money. Kind of a pat on the back for me to go spend on much-needed house or baby wares and not feel guilty as I see it now as reimbursement for emotional damage. And do I know how NFIL's surgery went? Nope and I assume he's fine because if not you better believe hell would freeze over and we'd experience a massive weather change if he died. That kind of evil doesn't die. I feel if it did, regardless of no contact, we'd still feel the reverberations of the great N empire starting to crumble down around them.

Love on loan. That's what it is with them. Love if you will be visiting this year. Love if you will be attending to their needs. Out of sight out of mind. Why oh why do people assume an N parent will act NORMAL to their adult child around holidays?! To be surprised the adult has received no well wishes or anything around the holidays. To be surprised at- well- just about anything from these people? I do not understand. I'm sick of explaining. Of saying, no DH has not heard back from so-and-so, yes they used to be close but they haven't acknowledged DH's is going to be a father. Etc. As soon as you are out of their lives, out of their control- it changes. The N-dynamic swings to toxic, dangerous levels as they try their best to get you back. Maybe they've given up. Maybe it's the calm before the storm. I don't know. But I do know their son/brother is no longer the family they 'love' and 'care' for. He is not part of the family as he is no longer part of the dynamic. They have divorced him privately and go on pretending to the world everything is the same. It's really as messed up as divorcing a spouse and yet living together and not telling anyone you're divorced. Really?! Cause- well, it just looks BAD for them. N's can't have that.

I have a nauseating feeling in the pit of my stomach wondering all the what-if's. Would it be better if I just ignored it and went back to minimal contact? Would it be better if I pretended everything was okay? Then mentally I slap myself for thinking such stupid thoughts and move on. Put the warm fuzzies of the in laws I'll never have in a big box and leave that outside the cold brick wall of reality. Seal it off with iron and steel and hope to God it keeps out the noise inside the box. Rattling around my head, teasing me with images of the family DH told me about when we first met. Contrasting sharply with the reality that is his family of origin. The difference is night and day.

I will celebrate when they die. My hamartia is this: I am happy to hear harm comes to evil people. I know this world isn't fair but if there's even a semblance of someone getting what's coming to them, inwardly I rejoice. The Catholic ideology of purgatory comforts me. I believe in heaven and hell but if these people are in heaven- I'd gladly take it's neighbor. It gives another option to those publicly righteous but are evil in their hearts.

"When a man is getting better he understands more and more clearly the evil that is still left in him. When a man is getting worse he understands his own badness less and less."

― C.S. LewisMere Christianity

Perhaps that's why I see the fault in my own ways and hatred so clearly. I am not oblivious to the own faults and cracks in my character. I can be selfish. I can be a bitch. I know sometimes I can be downright mean and I'm aware I'm doing that. I try to change.

N's are those blinded by their own sins. To them, they are justified. To them- nothing matters anymore except self and self-love. If they ever acknowledge they've done wrong they are able to say it's in the past, not present. It's 'who they are' and not something to be ashamed of if it's continuing. Something other people should accept about them.

I know I'm a miserable excuse for a wife and person some days. But I also know that in my heart I am a very loving, caring, wonderful person. I also know that I will never, ever be the sorry excuse for a parent that my husband has. I'm tired of excusing them. Avoiding the topic. Avoiding bringing up the fact they are some of the most evil people I've ever had the misfortune of meeting. Tired of making pleasant the topic of family I've never known and people I've never had a good experience with.

Our first Christmas without them was one of the best I've had in a long, long time. On a positive note, I really enjoyed the holiday aside from the annoying questions about the N's. I can't put enough time or distance in the middle between them and us. Ain't no mountain high enough.... ain't no valley low enough...... ;)


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