Are N's aware of what they do?
It's really mind-blowing for me to see the amount of views this blog gets. Today the total is well over 600 with hits coming from not only my homeland of the U.S.A. but also Germany, New Zealand, Australia, Serbia and the UK. N's are worldwide. I feel this is only testimony to the theory that NPD is indeed a personality disorder. Language, time and oceans are no barriers to warped tendencies and human nature gone awry. My heart really does go out to any and all reading this who have been affected by toxic or abusive in laws and family.
This leads me to my main question today. Do N's know what they do?
Absolutely.
People suffering from NPD have an enlarged sense of entitlement- usually acting out in ways that they ultimately know go against social norms and standards. They have their own 'rules' as seen in my last post and those rules differ for them in comparison to others in their lives. Many N's act out of anger when facing 'opposition' even if there is none to face. Their warped sense of self contributes to a feeling of 'larger than life' and the 'law can't touch me' approach to handling perceived problems. They are more likely to lash out at others rather than think through a perceived problem logically. To them hurting those who 'hurt' them or taking things away from those they feel 'owe' them something for merely existing- is completely acceptable and a way to handle living with others. They gain a sense of self from what they choose to wrap around their pitiable lives as a cushion. Friends, colleagues, religion, wealth, vanity- when one thinks of a typically narcissistic person, a vain person often comes to mind. But this is child's play in the realm of true NPD. This must be understood before anyone can truly make sense of a toxic narcissist.
For narcissists, their inappropriate behavior is the way they cope with the world around them. Many of them choose to say phrases like 'that's just the way I am' as an excuse, a poor cop-out to really toxic responses. Abuse of power is a key factor to their sense of importance. You'll find many of them have carefully constructed lives that revolve around being 'benevolent' in their communities. Being important. Being wealthy. N's need this enlarged sense of self to survive- they also need others to feed into it. Nothing is more satisfying than attention. Positive or negative, it's all important to them. It means they are getting to you. It means they are able to rest with the knowledge they ultimately can affect you by their words or actions.
Many N's abuse their power and influence to frighten others. To intimidate others into doing their will. When I think back to my own abuse with the N's, I can clearly see this now. They ENJOYED it. They LOVED setting ridiculous standards and rules to follow. They knew their son would fail and they loved the knowledge that they could pick on us as we were wounded from trying to actually meet these standards. I really believe it was fun for them. Sick, messed up, twisted fun.
They did not know me, they never GOT to know me. But they used everything they knew about me against me in the end. N's pay attention. They just act like they don't so you'll have to repeatedly talk to them about the same things. They have horrendously 'bad' memories. Again, it's all about the attention.
NFIL used my 'lies', really the truth, about my academics to try to get me in trouble at my university. He got mad when I questioned this as I wasn't HIS child and my parents were totally ok with school policy. His answer was about his 'benevolent' donations to the school and how they didn't please him. It didn't matter he no longer had any adult child attending. It was all about the power and abuse.
During our 'meeting' I claimed I was sorry they were upset but I really didn't care. haha. I laugh about that now because I really DON'T care if they are upset and I know that angers them more than anything else in the world. I don't give a crap.
NMIL used her information about my family against me. How I was going to be a bad wife and mother because my family wasn't Christian, was divorced and I didn't 'have family' because all my extended family lives apart and I've never met half my cousins due to distance. Um... can I just say how MOST of my friends come from families just like mine? Very few people I know actually live in the same town as their aunts, cousins and grandparents. We live in an age where *gasp* women go to college and move away and may or may not settle down with their families. Where 20-somethings actually aren't married but are happily single and apart from their families due to work and the like.
There is a generation 'gap' between me and the NIL's. Mainly because I am the only woman so far in DH's family that has sought an education beyond high school. Because I love my family- but my career is also important to me and I get great satisfaction in being able to do both. This doesn't make me a 'bad wife and mother' by any means. I think it makes me super woman for happily being able to keep so many plates spinning and have a happy life in all areas.
Through these things you can really see how the N's took things out of context, paid attention to my 'fault's and kept a close record with which to blackmail me and even my mother with later! I firmly believe it was fun for them, that they enjoyed these digs against my loving family, successful career and the like to make ME out to be a big bad witch.
I sometimes wonder if they like the attention from our no contact, if they use it as a pity card to say how big and bad their rouge son is and how terrible his wife is that they are the victims. I feel that no contact is NOT a way to get back at a narcissist. Quite the opposite in fact. No contact is using my own power to get me OUT of the situation of abuse and intimidation. It doesn't hurt them in the slightest. If anything it gives them fuel to burn us even more from a distance, to anyone who will listen. They'll find new victims to groom and keep on the N-shelf for a snack later. For me, no contact has been me raising my hand and opting to get off the crazy train.
This leads me to my main question today. Do N's know what they do?
Absolutely.
People suffering from NPD have an enlarged sense of entitlement- usually acting out in ways that they ultimately know go against social norms and standards. They have their own 'rules' as seen in my last post and those rules differ for them in comparison to others in their lives. Many N's act out of anger when facing 'opposition' even if there is none to face. Their warped sense of self contributes to a feeling of 'larger than life' and the 'law can't touch me' approach to handling perceived problems. They are more likely to lash out at others rather than think through a perceived problem logically. To them hurting those who 'hurt' them or taking things away from those they feel 'owe' them something for merely existing- is completely acceptable and a way to handle living with others. They gain a sense of self from what they choose to wrap around their pitiable lives as a cushion. Friends, colleagues, religion, wealth, vanity- when one thinks of a typically narcissistic person, a vain person often comes to mind. But this is child's play in the realm of true NPD. This must be understood before anyone can truly make sense of a toxic narcissist.
For narcissists, their inappropriate behavior is the way they cope with the world around them. Many of them choose to say phrases like 'that's just the way I am' as an excuse, a poor cop-out to really toxic responses. Abuse of power is a key factor to their sense of importance. You'll find many of them have carefully constructed lives that revolve around being 'benevolent' in their communities. Being important. Being wealthy. N's need this enlarged sense of self to survive- they also need others to feed into it. Nothing is more satisfying than attention. Positive or negative, it's all important to them. It means they are getting to you. It means they are able to rest with the knowledge they ultimately can affect you by their words or actions.
Many N's abuse their power and influence to frighten others. To intimidate others into doing their will. When I think back to my own abuse with the N's, I can clearly see this now. They ENJOYED it. They LOVED setting ridiculous standards and rules to follow. They knew their son would fail and they loved the knowledge that they could pick on us as we were wounded from trying to actually meet these standards. I really believe it was fun for them. Sick, messed up, twisted fun.
They did not know me, they never GOT to know me. But they used everything they knew about me against me in the end. N's pay attention. They just act like they don't so you'll have to repeatedly talk to them about the same things. They have horrendously 'bad' memories. Again, it's all about the attention.
NFIL used my 'lies', really the truth, about my academics to try to get me in trouble at my university. He got mad when I questioned this as I wasn't HIS child and my parents were totally ok with school policy. His answer was about his 'benevolent' donations to the school and how they didn't please him. It didn't matter he no longer had any adult child attending. It was all about the power and abuse.
During our 'meeting' I claimed I was sorry they were upset but I really didn't care. haha. I laugh about that now because I really DON'T care if they are upset and I know that angers them more than anything else in the world. I don't give a crap.
NMIL used her information about my family against me. How I was going to be a bad wife and mother because my family wasn't Christian, was divorced and I didn't 'have family' because all my extended family lives apart and I've never met half my cousins due to distance. Um... can I just say how MOST of my friends come from families just like mine? Very few people I know actually live in the same town as their aunts, cousins and grandparents. We live in an age where *gasp* women go to college and move away and may or may not settle down with their families. Where 20-somethings actually aren't married but are happily single and apart from their families due to work and the like.
There is a generation 'gap' between me and the NIL's. Mainly because I am the only woman so far in DH's family that has sought an education beyond high school. Because I love my family- but my career is also important to me and I get great satisfaction in being able to do both. This doesn't make me a 'bad wife and mother' by any means. I think it makes me super woman for happily being able to keep so many plates spinning and have a happy life in all areas.
Through these things you can really see how the N's took things out of context, paid attention to my 'fault's and kept a close record with which to blackmail me and even my mother with later! I firmly believe it was fun for them, that they enjoyed these digs against my loving family, successful career and the like to make ME out to be a big bad witch.
I sometimes wonder if they like the attention from our no contact, if they use it as a pity card to say how big and bad their rouge son is and how terrible his wife is that they are the victims. I feel that no contact is NOT a way to get back at a narcissist. Quite the opposite in fact. No contact is using my own power to get me OUT of the situation of abuse and intimidation. It doesn't hurt them in the slightest. If anything it gives them fuel to burn us even more from a distance, to anyone who will listen. They'll find new victims to groom and keep on the N-shelf for a snack later. For me, no contact has been me raising my hand and opting to get off the crazy train.
Gracie, I found a lot of your post interesting. I agree with you that narcissism isn't rare, or limited. It's everywhere. As my blog view count kept creeping up and up, as I saw all the countries, it made me so sad to think about how many people deal with this.
ReplyDeleteMy MIL also seemed to view me as some sort of pathetic creature when she met me. From a divorced family, lacking religious affiliation. To her, I was just a lump of clay that needed molding, and how lucky! There she was to make me "into something".
I understand this 100%. Looking back it's sad I was hopeful I had actually found a family that 'wanted to accept' me, too bad that never happened. They just wanted another N.
ReplyDeleteOf course they are-WHY ELSE would they do what they do? Why else are they soooo capable of acting half-way human when they have a Public Platform?
ReplyDeleteTW