Nature vs. Nurture

Life's not fair. By now, I think there's few of us (probably none of us reading this) that assume a rosy view of the outside world. If you were in contact with an N, related to them or grew up with them- chances are you know this all too well.

Welcome to crazy town, as on the show 'Whose line is it anyway?' I like to say that everything here is 'made up' and the 'rules don't matter'- if you're an N, that is. If you ever wonder whether or not someone is an N- look at the way they handle criticism. Chances are they're not very good at it and it's clear they don't play by the same rules as everyone else is expected to live by!

I've noticed N's have a unique sense of the world around them as dictated by their own skewed perception of reality. They really do live on a different planet. Religion is a cover-up, praying for people is just another reason to pity them and groom them for future victims. There are SO many rules that exist within an N-relationship.

Regarding religion and worldview my in-laws fall into an interesting lifestyle. If I could boil down the facade and lies, the rules to them would sound something like this:

We claim to be devout Christians to anyone and anything that will listen.
We rarely go to church. (or often, depending on who is watching)
When we DO go to church we always do it publicly and make a show of it.
It must be a church of our choosing and liking, if the music is too modern we will sit and scowl through the service as if we had giant sticks up our butts.
We will complain to anyone after how much we hated it and how we are holier than thou to attend such filth.
If someone is in need we will 'pray for them'... and check up on them later to see if we can 'help' them and make them indebted to us financially or otherwise.
We give to the poor and needy but if our children need something it will always be with strings attached.
We make it clear that our home is open to anyone and frequently have visitors. This isn't so that we help others, it's to show them we CAN help them and we are financially in a great place. Again- it's all about grooming and who's in debt to us.
We will show racial preference, but if you call us racists we will make life hell for you.
We show off gifts from those from other cultures but we will badmouth those living in them as heathen.
Those with different beliefs, backgrounds and skin colors are NOT allowed into the family. We can 'befriend' those people but they cannot marry into our tribe. We promote our own ethnicity above others, always.
The belittling of others based on who they are is acceptable- as long as it's outside the family or those we identify with (other N's).
We will cover up for those living with criminal records in our happy family, make excuses for abuse and legally inappropriate behavior.


Gosh. Even writing this makes me mad. It's clear if you are an N- or born one- the rules are different. The rules change as the leader dictates. Which leads me to another question: are N's born or made? I admit I'm not really sure. Of course if someone with selfish tendencies is born into an N-family and considered the golden child, this selfish mindset will be nurtured. The behavior will be fueled. I find it ironic that much of the ACoNs I'm aware of are not the golden child of the family, but the scapegoat. These seem to be the ones most willing to turn against the N-parent when they move out or realize the unfair treatment they've received all their life.

What do you think? Are N's a result of nature or nurture?
If you like, feel free to share more N-rules to live by that the N's you know follow.


Comments

  1. Hi Gracie, I think it is nature AND nurture. When reading the list it really makes me want to laugh because it is just so crazy. I know that when you're experiencing this at first hand and/or are the target of their blunt practices it is not funny at all, it is frightening. J.

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  2. Something about my NMIL:

    My NMIL has a very special belief system: My NMIL doesn't love anybody and is not loved by anybody (though she pretends to love her sons, which she doesn't practise of course). The reason is that she is a very special person, so special that nobody understands her. There are people that love other people and are loved but that is because they are likeable, they show interest in other people, they care about other people. It is very easy for those people. My MIL just isn't like those people. She doesn't like anybody so that is why nobody likes her, life is so difficult for her. That is just the way it is. Life is so easy for people who are not like her. She is a very special person and that's just the way it is. You just have to take her the way she is suffering and for you life is only easy and pleasant.

    I distilled this craziness from all what she has said through the years, including the constant repetition.

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  3. Yes- it makes me laugh a little too now- how in the world can anyone live with so many paradoxes? Isn't it exhausting?
    Interesting rules from your NMIL! I love how 'different' N's see themselves oftentimes. I guess they have to, otherwise they'd have to admit they're wrong about everything. :/ I guess they think that's pitiable but right now I couldn't care less. ;)

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  4. Greater minds than mine have pondered this debate, so I'll leave the Debate to the debator-ists and stick with what I know as an ACoN:
    -YES, THEY KNOW.....what they did/said. Now hear this and try to absorb this lil' concept: THEY MENT IT too.
    -NPs Do NOT have "Children;" They Have Hostages: And you're not one of "them." Consequently, they don't want their AC BUT! They don't want YOU to "have them" either. Once the AC calls them on their shit and starts acting on that awareness the hapless "partner" will be blamed. Bet on it.
    -They Are Equal Opportunity Destroyers: If YOU, as an adult are not safe around these people, what would ever lead you to believe your KIDS are gonna be? Your kids are nothing but objects to be used in "The Grandparent Olympics" and yes, they WILL be "Collateral Damage." You've been warned: Proceed with any illusions and your kids will NOT be thanking you.
    -"NO!" The Word That Launched A Zillion NC's: The surest, easiest, most inexpensive litmus test I know for sussing out a Narc is to use that word ONE time to anything from the most innocuous to ridiculous N "Request" and stand back: Observe the explosion. From Passive Aggressive to All Out War on their "Beloved" AC and Family.
    -There Are NO "Requests;" Simply Thinly Veiled DEMANDS: Which will be never ending, never enough, never the "right" thing blaa-blaa-blaa. You can not fill what's "missing" here. Lower the life boats and get the hell away from that Mother-Ship before it sinks and drags you under.

    I've many, many more from the ugly side of living through a NP "Regime" but Comments are limited. So are my typing abilities. Suffice it to say the above should point you in the right direction which is OUT. They do NOT get better with age-they get worse. I'm old enough to be your gmas and I've seen what happens to these people as they age: It's NOT "nice." But then again, they were nasty kids who became nasty young adults, who became nasty middle-agers and are now just plain ugly, nasty, bitter antiquities and there's no place for 'em in my museum. Or the rest of us Old People who knew them long, long, long before you did. ;)
    TW

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for your comment. It's incredibly valuable for me (starting out) to hear the opinions of those living in this for the long-haul. And gives me all the more reason to fight for a happy life for my child before they're born. In some ways it's comforting to know these people don't change. My children will not be missing out on anything.
      I can't agree more with the points you made, TW! Especially the 'no' word that triggers them. Every time I hear someone planning on meeting to 'discuss' change of plans or 'no' answers to the N's demands, I shudder. I feel it's just as dangerous to enter a tiger's pen at the zoo around feeding time! AC and others are not people in the N's eyes- just pawns to use and destroy in a game of will and demands. I've yet to see anyone reason with an N. It just doesn't happen!

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  5. Little One, You might as well chuck your child over the enclosure of the "Large Cat Exhibit" at your local zoo if you're considering exposing your child or children to NP's. Kids are tender, "tasty" and easily manipulated meals.
    The NPs are gonna stomp their childish feet and threaten "Grandparent's RIGHTS." They have NONE. That's bluster and BS. If the outside world had any clue what happened to us, we'd have been yanked outta there years ago and "Monitored Visitation" would have been iffy at best and non-existant if the other "adults" around us would have acted like such.
    TW

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  6. Oh gosh, yeah- grandparent rights really frightens me. A main reason I never want them to meet our baby. Legally I've looked into it and feel they'd be hard pressed to file anything since there won't be a prior relationship with the kid. :/ Really worries me as a mom though.

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