Hush Money

I feel as though I should be typing this in an old black and white movie, lights dim. Corner office with sultry sax music playing in the background. Fedora tipped oh so lightly over my eyes as I work at a typewriter in the shadows.

Something like.... this. 

Why do I feel so mafia-esque today? Feel free to pull up a chair with a glass of something special and listen closely. Away from the window.... this is meant to be on the down-low. I guess you could call this my second confession. 

I get hush money. So does my husband. 

According to Merriam-Webster's learner's dictionary, the term 'Hush Money' (noun) means: money paid so that someone will keep information secret : money that you pay someone to hush something up 

 as in.....He's accused of paying her hush money to keep their affair secret.

As someone with monetarily cushy NILs, money is a simple solution to family issues. Savory tidbits of information are covered up, buried under time, effort from the N's and a lot of special fun prizes for those willing to kiss butt long enough to be on their good side. (if they have a good side!) 

I found it ironic that in the months following the abuse, we went no contact with them after our wedding, the last time I saw them face to face and probably also the last time I ever will. It was in those months that my birthday came and went (they found out later because no one ever took the time to find out when their DIL's birthday is....) and DH's birthday a few months later. In those months of silence I changed my phone number but they still had our home address (this was before we moved this past year). So... surprise surprise... leave it to the mobsters to send hush money in the mail for Valentine's day and our birthdays, DH getting more than  me of course since value is placed on a person's head via guilt. 

Fast forward to now- DH did not read the email sent to him by his parents when they found we were expecting but he saw enough in the preview to know they wanted our new address to send us gifts for the baby. Do you see the pattern here? I certainly do. He deleted it and blocked their email account, his extended family have our PO box number so I'm betting they can get it if they try hard enough. It's only a matter of time before we receive more 'hush money' from them in an attempt to regain contact with us. 

I have no idea what I'm going to do with anything we receive from them. According to the 21 rules of no contact that we follow, you aren't supposed to say thank you or even acknowledge you received a gift because that's what the N's want. To know you are obliged to say something to them because you were raised to say thank you for gifts. (I'll be posting this list in a later post!) 

My material side is like a little devil on my shoulder saying "You need it! Take it! It'll help!" My better half is telling me to burn it, give it away or give it to charity. I just don't feel right keeping the money or using it in any way but the fact is, it would help us out a ton. I can't help but feel the N's know this and are using it to try to get us 'back'. Well, DH 'back' they never cared about me. 

I suppose I'll have to decide what to do with hush gifts with hubby when the time comes, IF it comes. I have a feeling this will only continue and in the future we'll be lucky if it is just a check or something we can spend or give away when we do receive it. 

The N's have a habit of gifting things with ties to hold their adult children to them. Time shares. Bank funds, trusts. Things that are 'gifts' but probably won't amount to much and have DH legally bound to them until their death when he can actually touch whatever pennies are leftover. It's a game they like to play with us and I've seen it time and time again, only recently have I been able to point out to my husband that they do this on purpose. 

Earlier this year it was his car registration and information that took NMIL WAY TOO LONG to 'find', dragging out any and all contact so that DH was without a current tags for weeks and we were down to one car as it was the only legal one he could drive. Then there was the time share we couldn't use. Then they caused DH to have to redo four years of taxes due to a trust fund they had set up. Which led to a terrible mess in which DH was legally held accountable as it was HIS tax return. We only recently got that worked out. They have DH tied down for the remainder of their lives to a K1, which is essentially money he can't touch in NFIL's company until the old man bites the dust. And the list goes on and on. 

About a year ago, I asked for a few of DH's baby pictures since we had none. Something NMIL did for NBSIL but overlooked for me. I finally don't care anymore. I guess we'll get any of DH's things when they both die. It does sadden me that I have no pictures of DH before college whatsoever. I'm tired and I'm giving up. 

This mentality is so very different from my own family. We've never had much but my parents have helped DH and I out many, many times. Giving us meals, offering to do laundry, run errands, giving us a place to stay while we moved. All with no strings attached. Because that's what family does. My dad oftentimes will fill up my gas tank because he can. He'll slip a $20 bill into my bag when I'm not looking. He'll give us the free gift cards he gets from work to help with groceries. We often can't eat over at my parents without them loading us up with leftovers and insisting we take them home (my mom's a fantastic cook... random side note). I can't ask for more generous parents, sometimes I feel guilty but they make it clear they don't want us to pay them back, they'd rather us focus on the coming baby and saving for that if we can. Sometimes I have no idea where my family gets the money but they get by and they help us do the same since we've started out.

Gifts from the N's are full of strings and commitments. That's all one can see until one day you realize...they're not strings, they're sticky, sickly strands of a spider's web and the NIL's are sitting in the middle pulling on them and watching their adult children dance before they suck them dry. Fattening up the others for the future and feeding on the scapegoat that is DH all the while he is trying to cut himself out. Someday I only hope we'll be free of that. In the meantime I have no idea what to do with any hush money we receive. Anyone know a good charity??