More on NPD

I'm a firm believer that you can tell the health of a family's interrelationships by the amount of love said family units generate towards those inside and out. I remember fondly going over friend's houses at a young age, being able to tell which families were genuinely at peace and full of joy and those that were not. It's in the atmosphere. It's as clear to outsiders as the temperature in the room. In healthy, joyful families you can feel at  ease. You can feel acceptance and love upon even a short visit to the home.

With N's, it's my personal experience that visiting their homes are different. Like visiting a fake store display near Christmas, you can see happy faces and smiles and even careless joy thrown around like confetti- but none of that is real. The cardboard and well-dressed mannequins simply show the public what the store wants you to think. What succeeds in marketing. This family is happy. This family wants for nothing. This family is the kind of family you wish you had. But the truth is, for N's this is just a facade as well.

I remember reading the term 'scripted' on another ACoN blog in describing the words and actions of an N family. I still feel this is such a good representation of how it is. There are rarely families with only one, separate N working alone. In fact, I don't think N's CAN work alone. Think back to school days where the class meanie or bully would be surrounded by 'friends'. Cronies. People they don't trust but feed into their taunts and abuse towards others. N's are little more than overgrown school bullies still hoping to steal other's candy and get away with it.

A little more on the research front- NPD(narcissistic personality disorders)

The DSM-IV-TR defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as “an all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration or adulation, and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts,” such as family life and work. Dr. Sam Vaknin in his book “Malignant Self-Love” provides the following list of nine (9) narcissistic traits of which an individual needs to possess at least five (5) before being diagnosed with NPD.
1. Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);
2. Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion;
3. Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions);
4. Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious;
5. Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her unreasonable expectations for special and favorable priority treatment;
6. Is interpersonally exploitative and uses others to achieve his or her own ends;
7. Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others;
8. Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration. Suffers from persecutory (paranoid) delusions, as he or she believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly;
9. Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, omnipotent, omniscient, invincible, immune, “above the law”, and omnipresent (magical thinking). Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or she considers inferior to him or her and unworthy.
Although NPD is predominantly associated with more men, anyone of any economic background, race, or sex can be affected by NPD. Mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, co-workers, and bosses. No one is immune to this disorder. Although many researchers and victims of individuals with NPD do not believe individuals with NPD can be treated or cured, NPD is a disease of the mind outside of the normal pathology of society, and serious education is necessary.
“Some of the most disturbing realities are not that pathology exists but that so little public pathology education for the general public exists,” notes Sandra L. Brown of The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Psychopathy Education.
Unfortunately, in addition to the lack of public education about NPD and other pathological disorders, there is an abundance of misinformation and trivialization of NPD in the media.
Most recently, the Dr. Phil show aired an episode titled, “Confronting Narcissistic Personalities” leaving many well-educated viewers disappointed and reeling and demanding a re-do of the show. Many viewers felt the episode marginalized the negative impact individuals with NPD inflict and seemed to simplify narcissistic disorders as a behavior that is more annoying than dangerous.
In an open letter to Dr. Phil and his producers published to her site One Mom’s Battle, Tina Swithin writes:
“There is an army of us who work tirelessly to educate the public, the media, and the courtroom about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and [Dr. Phil] just set us back tremendously.  I encourage [Dr. Phil] to speak to the women and men in my group who have been devastated by this personality disorder.  I encourage [Dr. Phil] to do a show that takes a look at the reality of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and what it is like to divorce a narcissist.”
The website for The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Psychopathy Education concisely sums up why education is so vital when it comes to disorders like NPD:
“The truth is, nothing impacts non-pathological people as much as being in a relationship with someone who is pathological. Without the education of ‘what‘ the disorder is, ‘how‘ it came to be, ‘whom‘ it affects, and ‘why‘ it harms others, partners, family and children will continue living in the shadows of unspoken confusion and pain."

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Hopefully this excerpt helps to shed a little light on the subject matter. To a person with NPD, reputation is everything. It is what they work for, what they hope to achieve. Just like a childhood bully, these people never really grow up or change. They are liars through and through and spend most of their lives covering up 'oopsies' and abuse so that the world will look at them and say 'Oh what a good person, you are!'.

These people thrive on control, manipulation, lies, cover-ups, enablers, silent partners and family members and most of all YOU. The best advice I can offer anyone in an abusive relationship with an N is to run for the hills! Chances are they won't even miss you. They'll miss the control they had on you and move on to others they've spent years grooming for the pickings. In such circumstances, the best and most loving thing you can do for yourself is to get out of the situation. Remove yourself as an object of criticism, control and abuse. Only you have the power to put an end to the treatment by standing up for yourself. Enough is enough.


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