The biggest fights

Honestly, I should have sold tickets.

It hasn't been easy for me, this no contact journey with the N's. I lived with a guy who wouldn't believe me for months and felt it may encourage someone if I wrote about it. I know many women live with their husbands who are in denial for years on end.

I lived the majority of a year in that hell. From the 2 week long visit to the N's in which I felt trapped to the entire drama which ensued and led up to our no contact with them. The months between both events were probably the worst in my entire relationship with DH. I'm surprised we made it through together.

We're not a fighting couple. We both dislike having bad feelings between us and (probably due to both of us being the middle kid) aren't selfish and would rather give in than upset the other person. We rarely fight. The N's changed that. Through this year and also our first bit of marriage they were the crux of many arguments and yelling matches.

When I would point out the over-contact, the over-clingy nature of what they wanted of him (living hours away) he would get angry at me and defensive. I grew sullen and more and more resentful towards him. The guy I loved so much was turning into the guy who was at their beck and call and defensive about this when it cut into our normal lives together.

The very weekend after this 2 week stay in N-prison, DH's grandma planned a family photo shoot and both she and NMIL asked him to be there. Me as well but for some reason no one pushed it when I didn't come. Go figure, right? Both ways it was a 12 hr car trip and DH has just been there with me the week before for two weeks. Unnecessary, right?? My mom had urged me to go to 'be a part of the family' but I refused. After my God-awful stay nothing would get me back up there. DH went by himself for the weekend. I thought he may think twice about the drive and travel and mileage involved, but he didn't. I was pissed but it was the first time he put them first in this way so I accepted it.

A few weeks later DH was called by the N-rents about 'birthday plans' for his OLDER brother. Yup. You got it. Mid-twenties adult living at home at the time (NABIL) and his parents were still making a big deal out of it. Adult birthdays aren't that important in my family, I mean... it's not like a child's birthday where it's a big deal to them and it's not granny's 90th... so here's a gift card and have yourself a friggen happy birthday. That's pretty much it. No planning weeks in advance and certainly no asking other adults in the family to drive long distances to be there. I made it known to my then-fiance how ridiculous this was. I was certainly not going to celebrate the asshole's yearly celebratory self-worship and he has JUST been up there twice in the past few months. I was sick of these visits being demanded by the N's and cutting into our life together as we were living together.

I stood my ground and was more and more pissed off as we were in the car for something and DH yelled at me, "It's one fucking weekend!!!!"

I saw red. It wasn't one weekend, it had been our lives for the past few months. I had hardly seen my family during that semester because I went with my guy on every break so far. I don't remember much else about the argument. I burst into tears, DH had called a friend from university who set him straight in that we were engaged and I should be important to him now, more so than his NFOO. He came to my room and cried and asked for forgiveness. I was surprised. I knew it took that third person pointing it out for him to see the truth in that situation. Any and everything I said didn't matter. I realized no matter how much I cried or got upset about him constantly leaving, it was all hitting a hard brick wall because he couldn't see the truth. Or didn't want to see it.

He didn't go this weekend but felt obligated to call each and every one of his family members to explain why he couldn't make it. Controlling much? Looking back I wonder why any adult would feel the need to explain why they were unable to make it..... normal people wouldn't care. But N's do.

I can remember two more big fights during our engagement. One was the night we sat down with the N's. I threw my engagement ring at him and slapped him in front of my parents. Who tried to make me see reason that THEIR hearts would be broken if I left a guy I cared about because he was tied to this family and unwilling to break those ties. At my parent's pleading I made up with my fiance. Every bone in my body told me not to, but I did. He made me sick at that point. I felt physically ill even thinking that I was connected to a guy who respected his parents more than me, who wouldn't stand up and fight for me when I was attacked. Who 'didn't know what to do'. I admit my mind went to my ex's. The relationships that ended well, the guys I knew wouldn't have stood for me being treated this way by the N's. I was saddened that my fiance wasn't one of these guys. I wonder what would have happened if I had simply stayed single. If I had really dumped him that night. Part of me feels I would be happier. The part of me that gave in was because I didn't want the N's to 'win', to kick me out of the family and keep their precious scapegoat. I'll never know what my life would have been like if I had gone through with it.

The other big fight came on the morning of our wedding. I was hit with the reality I was marrying into this family, my feelings (unchanged) from the fight where I broke up with my fiance were very much present that morning. No one forced me to marry him but I felt forced. I felt cornered like a caged bird. His friends were coming from out of town, my family wouldn't forgive me if I did a no show and I had no place to go if they kicked me out. I remember sobbing, telling my fiance I didn't want to marry him. I felt trapped and didn't want to go through with it. His family would be there. I didn't want to see them again or even be in the same room with them. My heart was broken, I couldn't see a happy future with this man. To please others more than myself, I poured myself a thermos of wine at 10 am that day and got buzzed to get through the rest of the day. I don't want to write anymore about my wedding. DH enjoyed it. To me, it was pure hell. The best show on earth, the one I put on to pretend I was happy. Even in my eyes though, in most of our pictures I see the broken heart I was hiding.  My spirit was crushed, I felt trapped and defeated as the N's drudged through the wedding and made it clear I couldn't get rid of them. I got through the first few days of being a newlywed on alcohol. We didn't have a honeymoon.

I write this as a testimony to what I've been through. To those living with husbands or wives in denial of their N families, I hear you loud and clear. It's not a pleasant place to be, in fact- it's hell. It took my husband months and months to see a relationship with them wasn't worth it. A conclusion he couldn't reach during our engagement and for a few months after our wedding. My heart was shattered. I kept fighting for myself. For some semblance of a normal life after all the hurt. In the months that followed I didn't settle for any contact being acceptable for them. In spite of how rocky it made our marriage, I refused to see them or be treated badly. For months, it was me vs. him vs. them.  But I kept fighting for the peace that's now ours. Finally, he saw the light. He changed. It took months though and we're still repairing our relationship from the hurts the N's inflicted upon it.

I've been there. I know how hard it is. I wish I had had someone to vent to, someone who wouldn't tell me to just ignore the feelings inside me. I want all reading this to know you can email me stories and what's going on in your lives. I'll listen. I welcome any emails from readers. I promise I won't tell you to 'just deal with it'. Even if I can't help, I'd love to be there for you if I can and hear out your story. If you're in a sad place with no one to talk to- take advantage of that! I'd love to listen. Sometimes it just helps to get your story out there.

-Gracie

Comments

  1. I know you know, but Jonsi went through something so similar. Her story, and your story, tell another side to the whole NP thing.

    You guys had a huge hard battle, fighting from the outside in. You must have wanted to shake your DH, to get him to SEE. That's why Jonsi's blog is 'open your eyes and SEE' - I totally get that. We grow up in it so we get blind to it.

    Look at what a good thing you did for your DH - you pulled him out of hell. You're awesome. :)

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  2. Thanks, Gladys. :) that's really sweet. I've seen how hard it is to be an ACoN and really have a better understanding for all those times I wanted to shake my hubby into really seeing.

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  3. Thanks Gracie for writing and sharing this story! Reading this, I felt so sorry for you being there feeling all alone. Happy for you that it has changed for the better. I'm pretty sure this will be encouraging for many people, keep on writing :-)! J.

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  4. Oh Little One, This is so sad. My Wedding Day was the happiest day of my life and that's NOT "Euphoric Recall."
    I'm with Gladys: We lived with the Crazy for so long, we become blind to just how insane it really is. IMO, your DH is one lucky man you not only went through with the Wedding but have taken the time, energy, effort and UNCONDITIONAL LOVE to show him the way to Freedom from NP Tyranny. They're not a "Close Family"-they're enmeshed to the n-th in Perversion.
    Marrying into one of these NFOOs must be indescribably awful.
    TW

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  5. Many thanks to the both of you. I wish I had better memories of that time. It's still hard for me to think/hear about weddings at all and I'm not sure how or even if I'll be able to attend other's in the future, all but my best friend's. I guess like the holidays for many people, this time of year isn't the best to look back on. Here's to another year between us and the nasty and to a better future! I'm oh so glad we're in a better place now with our marriage.

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  6. Gracie, thank you so much for sharing your story and feelings with us all. Like you, I was married last year into a family of narcissists. I cannot describe the pain, but as you know and experienced, it really feels like the death of someone. I felt even more like the wool had been pulled over my eyes since my in-laws were so sweet to me (because I now realize they were using our "good" relationship to make my husband's sister-in-law look bad). They slandered my husband's sister-in-law for years (both before they were married and after). My niece was born 2 months before our wedding, and all of a sudden it was like a switch. All of a sudden, my husband and I were jealouse of his brother (we weren't), we weren't supportive enough, etc. We went to every event for my BIL for their wedding, and they snubbed us for all of our events (even before our big blow up). Then when we called them out on our bad treatment, WE'RE the selfish ones! Ugh, just makes me angry. We have been low to almost no contact since June (we were married in April), and while it was/is hard, we really are happier. No walking on eggshells, etc. Luckily we have extended family who have been burned by Satan and her flying monkeys, so they believe us. But my NMIL refuses to apologize or acknowledge us. Anyway, sorry for writing a lot more than I intended, but I wanted to say that your blog has helped me so much because of the parallel story. I'm sending happy thoughts your way and hope that your 2013 is yoru best year ever!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for commenting! It's always an encouragement to hear my writing is helping someone other than myself. I'm sorry you can relate to so much though! D: I really do understand. Ick. How terrible! I've never heard of a big event- wedding or otherwise in an N family that wasn't a nightmare to those involved. It's a shame both our in laws were so terrible to us. I just don't understand it. :( Kudos to us for getting through the crap and wishing you a better 2013 indeed! Feel free to contact me anytime. I'm always here if you need to vent or just want to talk :)

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  7. (Just re-reading your archives and enjoying them-one again, Ms. Gracie.)

    I was completely NC with Psychob (my biological "mother") by the time I married. My late DH did not understand my decision to terminate the relationship nor had he had ever met her. Preservation of our relationship was the motivating factor in ensuring they would never meet under any circumstances: How well I knew she would have destroyed any prospect for our relationship to flourish.
    Because he came from a normal family he would just shake his head and say very honestly, "A mother and a daughter? I just don't understand it..." I did not want to get into many details, a recitation of a lifetime of abuse and neglect, of sabotage and sheer nastiness. Finally, I told him, "George, you KNOW me. You have seen me at my worst and at my best. When I tell you I want nothing to do with that woman, please believe me there is good reason-many of them in fact." I knew Psychob would make my "case" for me. A huge stadium sized flood light in my decision to NC came about when I reflected on my entire life up to the day of NC and looking into the indefinite future, I knew I was looking at more of the same.<THAT brought me to my knees. I simply.could.no.longer.do.this.
    Just as I thought, she did not disappoint! Knowing her as well as I did and biding my time made my statements fact instead of opinion and personal experience. From that time forward, the issue was no longer, "A mother and a daughter? I just don't understand.." but instead, "HOW can ANY "MOTHER" DO THIS to their DAUGHTER???"
    My late DH was a realist and a quick study! ;) It took a lot to horrify him but she succeeded beyond what I ever could have "explained."
    TW
    TW

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