N's: The African Dogs of the human species
It's every parent's worst nightmare. Watching helplessly on the sidelines while your little one is killed. This happened a while back in the states and I remember reading the story and being utterly horrified.
In brief, a mother dangled her toddler over an exhibit railing. Losing her grip the child fell into an enclosure of African painted dogs and was quickly mauled to death. In a matter of minutes, this child's life was over.
I have little pity for the mother. One could argue she didn't mean to do it or any other such excuse, but for an accident like this to happen, there had to have been some fault by the mother in this situation. Putting a three year old to sit or stand on a rail feet above a safety net, over an exhibit of extremely dangerous animals is hard for me to excuse. What was this person thinking in overstepping the boundaries put there by the zoo to keep these people and dogs safe?! It angers and upsets me, but it's my own opinion that if the child hadn't been killed in this way- surely it may have been placed in other dangerous situations by the mother later on- perhaps leading to another deadly accident. One can only assume...
In the aftermath following this ordeal, I heard the city was split with people pitying the mother and those having little to no empathy following such an avoidable accident.
Forgive me for making this a point, I know the story is gruesome and it upsets me to think about it- but I want to draw a parallel here regarding children and toxic N's.
It always amuses me when I hear of people hoping for the best and setting breakable boundaries for any truly toxic or abusive family member. Much like the mother in this story, it seems many people will dangle their children in front of such predators with little to no thought that they are playing with killers. I once heard setting boundaries with N's described as setting visitation rules for a wild bear in your home. When you think about it, it makes sense.
- the bear must not come hungry or it won't be allowed to play with the children
-the bear will be allowed over in the winter months when they are more likely to be unguarded due to hibernation
-the bear can play with our children outside as long as it signs a waiver not to maul them
Ridiculous!
N's are the African painted dogs of the human race. Cleverly disguised as dogs among Labradors, terriers and toy poodles- one may assume they are in the same family. After all, isn't that what some people tell you? They're family. Lions are in the cat family and we wouldn't try to play with them with catnip. African painted dogs are in the dog family, but you won't see anyone walking one on a leash! Whenever someone assumes an N is 'safe' because they are family, I think of these analogies. N's are NOT safe. It's in their nature to overstep boundaries, to prey on those weaker than them. It's in their nature to be notorious liars and to leave casualties of the children because they are pawns in a game of war between them and their AC.
Another point I want to make here is the myth some people believe, that no contact can be done over a period of time and months of going back and forth with your boundaries. There's a reason I stuck to the 21 rules of no contact- for me it was effective, it was immediate and it sure didn't leave me living with the N's for years to come until my husband felt amiable enough to pull the plug. I refuse to take shit in my life anymore from anyone. The thought that no contact can be done little by little is like imagining pulling off a band aid attached to hair will hurt less the more you draw out the process. It's best done fast and as painless to you as humanly possible. The N's won't feel the pain, you will. Why draw it out?
This time of year I try to put all bad feelings and thoughts about the N's in a box. Leave it on someone else's doorstep and run away. I'm not that old but I certainly won't waste the rest of my life in dealing with crap from these people! Life's too short to feel threatened and bullied into serving someone else's ego. To me it makes absolutely NO sense to do no contact over a period of months and years. To set rules so the N's can visit your children and pray for the best. I'm not going to waste time trying to treat them like normal human beings, no way. To me, the N's are best left in their natural habitat and I am best loving others and myself by keeping far, far away. On an island of no contact where the animals can't get at me.
It's makes about as much sense as tapering off your exposure to radioactive sludge because you don't want to hurt the sludge's feelings.
ReplyDeleteHey Gracie. This was interesting to read and I enjoyed it (as much as one can, when Ns are the subject matter.)
ReplyDeleteThe one thing I will say, and forgive me from being presumptuous, but it is a bit easier to go flat NC when the Ns are your in-laws. For me, being both an ACoN and a spouse of one, I know that it would be tons easier for me to cut out my in-laws than my folks. I wouldn't stress about it a lot at all. I'm not NC with them because my husband isn't will to go.
With my own NFOO, it is so much harder (even though my FOO is probably actually worse than the in-laws). It's so hard to pull your last stake from the family tent. To move on and be an orphan. I'm still not NC with my NM because I know that NC is it. Final. The end. I can't go back on it. And I need to finish the work I need to do on me before I go there. I'm not being wishy-washy. I just don't feel prepared yet.
But that's just my two-cents.
I hear where you're coming from. I was referring to those dealing with in laws or extended fam when I said that about no contact. I've heard a lot lately from wives hoping to assuage their husband's fam by just buying into the boundaries idea with people who can't keep them. So frustrating! Mainly those in situations where they can say something to help their spouse and won't.
DeleteA lot may depend on the person as well, I think DH had such an easy time cutting ties because of how badly they treated us to our faces. :/ A lot of N's go around manipulating and gossiping so much that it's not quite as obvious to the person in the situation as it was for us. I guess I can say I'm thankful? lol Thankful their behavior was so outrageous it was much, much easier for us to go no contact up front than it would be for others dealing with trickster in laws for years before realizing what they were doing.
Thanks for sharing!
My NMIL is of the tricky and sneaky variety. She has conditioned her family for so long to take her nastiness as "jokes". Her teasing and mean comments are followed up by HUGE laughs. (Yet try to "tease" her and flames shoot out of her ears). Plus, she often used to corner me by myself. I used to hate how DH and FIL would wander off together and I'd be left with her. Because that's when she'd "work on" me. But, in front of him, she's just as nice as pie. She is really good about putting on an act and looking generous, kind, and caring but shooting little jabs behind peoples backs. So, yes, in some respects I think you're lucky your in-laws were just out-right asses. It's hard not to convince people you're not the crazy one and the narc is really out to get you when they look so "kind and caring".
DeleteGracie. Thankfully my mother falls into the latter category. Even then I let it go on longer than I would care to admit.
ReplyDeleteI can't say my mother was responsible for my second divorce, but she played as large a part in it as I did. Not that we were in league. I was a bad boy (didn't cheat) and while I was away my mother scorched the earth I left behind.
After I went NC with my mother we reconciled and are getting better every day.
As an aside, I thought I would never be that guy that gets back with an ex.
HAH!
Go figure.