Detox
Purging, cleaning, throwing out garbage. Forget spring cleaning- for me that's been happening as we hit the holidays. According to my favorite dictionary (frown away)- wikipedia...
Detox may refer to:
Detoxification, the process, real or perceived, of removing toxins from the body.
Drug detoxification, processes to reduce or relieve withdrawal symptoms in drug addicted individuals.
Detoxification (alternative medicine), is the unsupported belief that a change in consumption habits can remove toxins from the body.
Getting rid of things that make you sick- both literally and figuratively. There have been many times I've felt the need to emotional detox from certain situations, end of a bad relationship, end of a crappy week, etc. As we approach our anniversary and Christmas this year, I feel the need to detox once more. In some ways I'm glad it's been a year since the continued abuse. In other ways... well, it's been a year and anniversaries are never pleasant when it comes to bad memories. I feel a bit of dread resurfacing as I realize these are memories that should be happy- but aren't. I guess if I could sum my feelings up in a list, it would look like this.
- I'm happy it's been a year of little to no contact, ending in absolutely no contact with actual rules to follow to keep me safe.
-I'm happy we're in a different place now than when we first married.
-I'm happy this Christmas won't be overshadowed by an impending visit from the N's in any way.
-I'm happy they don't know where we live, nor can they contact me in any way.
-I'm happy we're still married and there is more joy in my life now than when most people assumed (wedding day)
-I mourn the loss of my grandfather this summer and the fact it's his birthday near Christmas as well as my grandparent's would-be anniversary.
-I mourn the loss of months and months spent in pain and a mentally unstable mind after the abuse last year.
-I mourn the loss of DH's family and that they have died to him this year, it saddens my heart he has no people to call parents as the ones he remembers do not exist in real life.
And as the future approaches I am excited for:
-The baby coming this spring and being a fantastic mommy!
-The fact my life will be N-free this year!
Through introspection, I've seen how much this year has changed me- but more importantly- how much I've been through and can say is over once and for all! Removing the bad memories from my life has been a huge step in healing for me. Daily I'm now reminded how wrong the N's were and still are. As there are a LOT of last-time things for pity and remembering the abuse, I realize now my life will be filled with more and more positive things to drown that out. Time certainly doesn't heal all wounds but it sure makes them less painful! The more time passes the less I feel dirty about being called by DH's last name. I did not change my name for this reason but feel as time goes on, the connection it has to the N's lessens. I am NOT a part of them, neither is my husband anymore. Our baby won't be a part of that family and together we can move on with no connection to them at all. I'm looking forward for us to have our own POSITIVE Carroll family unit this year. Full of love, hope and kindness that is far, far different from anything the N's ever had.
Detox may refer to:
Detoxification, the process, real or perceived, of removing toxins from the body.
Drug detoxification, processes to reduce or relieve withdrawal symptoms in drug addicted individuals.
Detoxification (alternative medicine), is the unsupported belief that a change in consumption habits can remove toxins from the body.
Getting rid of things that make you sick- both literally and figuratively. There have been many times I've felt the need to emotional detox from certain situations, end of a bad relationship, end of a crappy week, etc. As we approach our anniversary and Christmas this year, I feel the need to detox once more. In some ways I'm glad it's been a year since the continued abuse. In other ways... well, it's been a year and anniversaries are never pleasant when it comes to bad memories. I feel a bit of dread resurfacing as I realize these are memories that should be happy- but aren't. I guess if I could sum my feelings up in a list, it would look like this.
- I'm happy it's been a year of little to no contact, ending in absolutely no contact with actual rules to follow to keep me safe.
-I'm happy we're in a different place now than when we first married.
-I'm happy this Christmas won't be overshadowed by an impending visit from the N's in any way.
-I'm happy they don't know where we live, nor can they contact me in any way.
-I'm happy we're still married and there is more joy in my life now than when most people assumed (wedding day)
-I mourn the loss of my grandfather this summer and the fact it's his birthday near Christmas as well as my grandparent's would-be anniversary.
-I mourn the loss of months and months spent in pain and a mentally unstable mind after the abuse last year.
-I mourn the loss of DH's family and that they have died to him this year, it saddens my heart he has no people to call parents as the ones he remembers do not exist in real life.
And as the future approaches I am excited for:
-The baby coming this spring and being a fantastic mommy!
-The fact my life will be N-free this year!
Through introspection, I've seen how much this year has changed me- but more importantly- how much I've been through and can say is over once and for all! Removing the bad memories from my life has been a huge step in healing for me. Daily I'm now reminded how wrong the N's were and still are. As there are a LOT of last-time things for pity and remembering the abuse, I realize now my life will be filled with more and more positive things to drown that out. Time certainly doesn't heal all wounds but it sure makes them less painful! The more time passes the less I feel dirty about being called by DH's last name. I did not change my name for this reason but feel as time goes on, the connection it has to the N's lessens. I am NOT a part of them, neither is my husband anymore. Our baby won't be a part of that family and together we can move on with no connection to them at all. I'm looking forward for us to have our own POSITIVE Carroll family unit this year. Full of love, hope and kindness that is far, far different from anything the N's ever had.
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