It's beginning to feel a lot like.....

*expletive* this.

Seriously. Who has the holiday spirit when you have N's??

Those unwelcome chimps just pop out of the woodwork and say howdy-do like suddenly you're besties.

I'm thinking of you all this holiday season, no matter where you're at in your relationship to the narcissists in your life- know you're not alone. There can be peace and joy in the small moments and glimmers of hope behind the pain of going through Christmas family-free.

I've really struggled with being gracious lately, to those well-meaning individuals who know my whole history with the N's and somehow- *still* ask if we've seen/heard from them and how they're doing. Um. Okay.

There will always be people who don't 'get it'.

To be honest, cutting off a toxic family member is never an easy choice. No matter the abuse or situation, it's always a choice that no one can judge unless they've walked in your shoes.

The N's may feel it's easy for us to forget them, it's not. It's a daily work in progress.

When a person, family or otherwise, leaves behind lasting pain- it is going to take that individual a long while to truly forget the stinging hurt they're left with in their life. Words, actions and a lifestyle of abuse are hard to push past with constant reminders the abuser is still alive, well and abusing others.

This is why we cut ourselves off.

You can't begin to heal if you're constantly being hurt. And yes, even on the holidays, we must work hard not to have a relapse and open communication to insults or personal digs at us once more.

I, personally, have asked people to not mention my abusers. To keep references to their lives out of conversation with me if they know them or know OF them. It's triggering, it causes panic attacks and relapses of bad episodes of PTSD where I can barely function socially. Still.

I realize in January, it will be two years since I started this blog.

The raw, emotional word-vomit has helped. But only a little.

The true, day-to-day healing begins when I breathe out the bad shit and breathe in the good.

When I (instead of remembering the bad things) choose to push away those memories and instead, think on the good things that have happened to me.

I can't erase the past, but I can chose to not let it define my future.

For me, that simply means never thinking of or contacting my abusers. After all, they won't change. But my reaction to them will lessen until (hopefully) one day someone will mention their true names and I will have forgotten them. Even for a moment.

Blessings and good feelings to you and yours this holiday season! <3 I truly hope you are all able to find some glimmers of true joy in the midst of whatever you're going through.


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