Confessions from the Fog

“Emotional abuse is like brainwashing. It systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in his or her perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under guise of “guidance” or teaching, the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient loses all sense of self and all remnants of personal value. The primary effects of emotional abuse are depression, lack of motivation, confusion, difficulty concentrating or making decisions, low self-esteem, feelings of failure or worthlessness, feelings of hopelessness, self-blame, and self-destructiveness.” The Emotionally Abusive Relationship by Beverly Engle Reading this, it's NO WONDER so many of us need years and years to go through the emotional junk and find ourselves underneath it all! Just an encouragement for today: don't be frustrated if you're not 100% totally and completely healed from abuse that happened years ago. I really need...

I admit, I almost entitled this post douchy douchy douche bags. :P Instead I decided to go with my best friend's response to what happened yesterday. DH and I checked our PO box for the first time since pre-holidays. This is the only post his family has in our name as well as friends. To anyone without a PO box- I highly recommend it! It's nice to have a different address to give to people when you don't want them knowing where you live. Peace of mind is priceless. Anyway I think DH and I were both expecting something from his fam- even extended fam for the holidays/our first anniversary. Nope. Nada. Nothing. I know DH is relieved but last night I admit it angered me. It was just what I expected but I *hoped* I was wrong about them. I'm right though- they don't give two flying f*cks about their son. None of them. That did surprise me. Even those he makes excuses for and says they are ultimately good at heart. Well, their black little souls showed this year f...

Lately, I find it very telling how certain people deal with not only criticism but also questionable actions. A narcissist won't take criticism the same way someone else might. No one likes being criticized- or even feeling criticized. It seems N's have little radars attached to their (hidden) horns that light up whenever they feel targeted for anything but the highest praise. Criticism is part of being human. It's part of living in the world with others. Ever notice how some people (N's or those with N-tendencies) can get so incredibly defensive over the tiniest things? How people will rephrase any comment said or made to them to mean something else- something bad about them? How there is a cycle of anger-denial-abuse from the N against any perceived threat to their holy little halo they lovingly polish every day? Excuses after excuses. It's never their fault. N's are notorious for not owning up to their mistakes. I have never in my life received an ...

In the past week or so I've been doing some digging on the NIL's in general terms. I read in another article something about most N's having criminal records of some kind in their past. So- I used to be an investigative reporter and made use of some old connections out of curiosity to run some checks. The N's are not clean- not surprising as I'd already been aware of several things told to me by NBSIL in the past. I wanted to post my findings but also want to be as vague as possible. I was disturbed to find records of several incidents that were taken to court over the past ten years against the company headed by NFIL, indeed three cases were against NFIL himself for fraud and verbal attacks on others. Two of the cases were closed, however another one remained open to this day.  One of DH's family members (extended) is listed on the official sex offender registry for illegal possession of child pornography. (gross) The NBIL's are not without criminal reco...

... is generally what I'd refer to myself as being. I hate having loose ends over my head and things left unfinished around my house. I'd rather NOT start something at all than have to wait weeks or months to be able to finish what I started. I'm a do-er, not a waiter. I lack patience, this I know for-well, everybody- tells me so! I'd like to share a story here that has raised up questions in my mind regarding the church and how abuse is treated in many church-circles. Here is a story of my own experience of second-hand abuse of power from spiritual and literal authority figures. It all started my freshman year of university, I attended a Christian college which was like any college really- full of assholes but I was fortunate enough to meet a few really good people who became close friends despite the many jerks out there. One of my friends suffered with a strange roommate. Someone I can only look back on and classify as having major psychological issues. Someone w...

Don't ya just love how N's phrase things? It's amazing how sweet and nice and considerate they sound. Even to themselves I suppose. Candy-coated poison. I was reminiscing about all the ways they tried to lure me in or lure me back or lure hubby back even when we had contact, albeit limited contact. NMIL told DH over the phone she wanted to make things better with me and apologize. Sounded sweet as can be. He agreed it'd be a good idea. Didn't tell me anything about this conversation. Lo and behold when WEEKS later I get an unexpected email in my inbox that must have taken less than a minute to type with her talons and send out officially. No apology whatsoever but 'I am sorry our relationship is not such that you would want us there to celebrate with you' on your bla-de-bla. Mind you, this wasn't even my birthday- they don't remember when THAT is- God forbid. I debated all of five minutes before deleting it and taking steps to delete HER account ...

Courtesy of Sister Renee Pittelli Other Related Qualities of the sociopath: Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them Authoritarian Secretive Paranoid Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired Conventional appearance Goal of enslavement of their victim(s) Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love) Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim Incapable of real human attachment to another Unable to feel remorse or guilt Extreme narcissism and grandiose May state readily that their goal is to rule the world (The above traits are based on the psychopathy checklists of H. Cleckley and R. Hare.) Most of these traits I can check with a big fat 'X' for t...

-Make a bully-free space for yourself and your family- Amen! Here's an encouraging video of the day, link courtesy of the wonderful Jonsi! I can't agree more. If only I could move 'across the pond' and BE thousands of miles away. It's a dream of mine...

I've probably said this before. But I need to say it again today. Sorry this is the only thought/feeling I have to share. I'm not sure how constructive this will be. I need to openly admit to myself that I hate the N's. I hate them more than I've ever hated anything or anyone in my life. I wish they would die. I wish all the bad I can possibly think of on them. Some days I feel sorry for them. I'm over that. Abusers choose to abuse. Abusers choose to ignore the wrongs. They also have chosen to do nothing to make anything right again. I cannot pardon this. Their words or actions or lack thereof. They are evil. They are everything that is not good. Their actions have been unforgivable. They are less-than human in my eyes. I need to allow myself to be okay with my feelings on this. To hate and be ok with hating. I cannot love them. It just is not in me to do so. I hope they die. I hope everything they stands for falls to ruin around their heads. I hope their worl...

I want to tear down just a few myths today. This is something I struggled with for months on end after going no contact with the N's over a year ago. Who's who- by that, I mean who is IN the circle of toxicity and who is out. Who to trust-who not to trust- etc. I feel like so many people, my husband included, make excuses for the N's in their lives. Saying these people have 'good qualities' as well as the bad, etc. As if the good could ever out-weight the bad. What are we? Some kind of Egyptian god of the underworld- yeah- I don't know about you but my job description doesn't contain a method of 'weighing' the innate evil within a person with whatever 'good' they have come out of them. I don't give a crap. Mainly because of this gem of knowledge I've been clinging to: It IS possible for people to have NO good qualities whatsoever. There ARE people (granted, messed up psychos) who have NO empathy or sympathy for other human bein...

Happy Friday, all! Thought of the day I hoped to share with you: At the root of dysfunction in all dysfunctional families is parental 'rights' and entitlement. Every family is dysfunctional, each in their own way. But add an overwhelming sense of self to the mix and you have a narcissist-run dysfunction that is beyond simply being a 'difficult' person to deal with. The parent feels entitled to things they should not feel entitled to. Knowledge of their children's every move- even to adulthood. Control over their child's life in any way possible. For a narcissistic parent this is not done out of love for the child, but out of a sense of duty the parent feels is owed to them. A sense of self-importance and respect due to them by their adult child. The relationship is one of elder and follower, of respect and subservience. Not true respect for the child as another person, nor love for this child being their own person. But an attempt to control this person ...

I'm not sure if I've addressed this enough. I'm starting to feel as I go on writing that I'm repeating myself in more ways than one. Regardless, the topic of crazy-making needs a post dedicated to itself alone. I'm no expert. I don't claim to be so. But I have gotten the crazies out of my life and can share pointers on what I've learned in the process. Why N's are crazy makers- what they hope to accomplish by doing so- and what you can do to break out of their cycle of madness! There's a good chance you are dealing with a narcissist if: You feel utterly insane. You start questioning what you know to be true. You are told you are 'imagining it' or 'making it all up'. With adults, this technique of crazy-making can be devastating, but with children who are already grappling with what's true and what's a lie- it can be world-shattering. Changing reality, twisting the truth, is what narcissists do best and what they will...

I recently found this little gif on Pinterest and could not stop laughing. Maybe it's because my old shirts now fit like Pooh-Bear's due to the baby. Hoping it inspires laughter in someone else today!  Lately, I've found a wonderful thing to be happening to me. I do not give a shit.  I used to care so much about so many things, making others happy, being appropriate, etc. Much to my amusement my inner censor decided to go on a vacation with the rest of my brain now that I'm pregnant. Something really magical happens to a lot of pregnant women or so I hear. You simply forget what's coming out of your mouth and what's meant to be kept in your head. So often I'll hear myself saying random thoughts (GOD, even SINGING my grocery list out in the store) when I think I am doing this inside my head. Nope. Word vomit. Song vomit. I'll be watching television with my hubby and make random comments that only make sense to me at the time. Kind of like Sop...

In my husband's previous post, I read something I will never- ever understand. That is, his family's anger towards him/me at his lack of contact. My first thought is," Oh God, why????? " For a toxic narcissist, anger is often the first reaction to any and all problems facing them. To any and all people willing to oppose them even on trivial matters. In my research of people with NPD, this anger is often swift, severe and totally illogical. It is in that truth one can begin to unravel feelings of guilt and duty to someone who is angry at them (someone who is an N). I've thought about what their mental process may be regarding DH and have come up with this hypothesis of how the thinking goes. Oh no. Now he's not talking to me/us. I am just so angry. Why would  they do this to me?? I NEED them to talk to me. I can't believe they are angry at me. I didn't do anything. What a bitch/bastard.  Here the thought process most likely rambles into the evil...

Here's a post from my husband that he had edited earlier today for the blog. I decided to post it unchanged from how he wrote it. 'Flaws' and all. How I hate the use of that word regarding N's. It’s me, DH. If you are reading this, you have likely read all the previous posts about our/ my wife’s struggles with my parents, FOO I believe it’s called. Let me start off by saying that it’s all true and not exaggerated. I am often saddened reading through the previous posts and seeing how stupid I’ve been. I know I can pull out all sorts of excuses (I grew up with it so it was normal to me, I was trying to work things out, blah blah blah…) but that doesn’t wipe away the fact that my priorities were messed up. Family is very important to me. Loyalty and service to family is, in my mind, the best way to show respect and love to another. All my life I put my FOO ahead of myself purely for admirable reasons. I sacrificed my own comfort and convenience as a show of love an...

It's been over a year for me since I have had contact with any of DH's family. Extended for a while until I deleted them off my facebook as well to avoid further drama and constantly having to explain why we wouldn't be visiting. My lack of contact with them this past year has only bandaged the hurt. Eased the pain. It's still there, though. I've been encouraging my husband to write something for this blog. His thoughts on his family or even a letter of emotional vomit he'd like them all to read but feels unsure about sending. He keeps so much from me to avoid hurting me further. It only works a little bit as he's a bad secret-keeper. I'm still hurting. I read a post today he's going to edit and I shall post here later if I'm able. It really does pain me to see into how bad it's been and how much he's put up with still having contact when I've gone to no contact entirely cold turkey. I hope this year is different, either with to...

Welcome to 2013! If your 2012 was anything like mine- chances are this new day and year is something to celebrate!!! 2012 was one of the worst years of my life, shortly behind 2011 which was utter hell. But 2013 marks a new year with absolutely no N's in it. In thinking over the best advice I could possibly share with those dealing with N in laws, the worst advice I've ever received has resurfaced as well. I realized in sharing the WORST tips for dealing with N in laws ever- I could possibly be more helpful than sharing what has worked for me. So here are a few tips that I shake my head at now, sigh and realize I will NEVER ever go back there to when I actually thought they might work in dealing with the N's in my own life. Some of them are no-brainers, so bear with me. Others are a little harder to see the purpose of but I will explain those as I go. - Meet with them to let them know you 'understand' where they are coming from. HAH! Ok so this little gem co...