Who's who

I want to tear down just a few myths today. This is something I struggled with for months on end after going no contact with the N's over a year ago.

Who's who- by that, I mean who is IN the circle of toxicity and who is out. Who to trust-who not to trust- etc.

I feel like so many people, my husband included, make excuses for the N's in their lives. Saying these people have 'good qualities' as well as the bad, etc. As if the good could ever out-weight the bad. What are we? Some kind of Egyptian god of the underworld- yeah- I don't know about you but my job description doesn't contain a method of 'weighing' the innate evil within a person with whatever 'good' they have come out of them. I don't give a crap.

Mainly because of this gem of knowledge I've been clinging to:
It IS possible for people to have NO good qualities whatsoever. There ARE people (granted, messed up psychos) who have NO empathy or sympathy for other human beings.

Regardless of what 'good' an N can say or do in their lifetime- it doesn't negate the fact that they lack the very fiber of human-ness in my opinion. The ability to have empathy for others. To genuinely care about another person, other than themselves.

Narcissists take on the clothing of good people, they shape-shift when it pleases them. They know HOW to behave like a nice person, how to talk like a nice person, how to put on an act to show the world they ARE this nice person. But they are NOT this innately. It is a learned behavior- a way they lure people into their cycles of toxicity. It's a show. It's fake.

This is incredibly different from innately 'good' people I know in my own life. The feelings I feel towards those I love and have grown up knowing. If I love someone, I will give them gifts, send them cards- wish them well when they are down without expecting even an acknowledgement or thank you. I LIKE to do things for others I love with nothing in return. It makes me happy. I love knowing I can love them in that way. So many of us non-N's are born with good qualities. My little sister has always been one of the most generous people I've ever known. She would give her life's savings away for someone in need- because she wants to. She often does things and gets people gifts because she wants to. Not because my parents had to tell her it's appropriate to in certain situations. Her generosity is part of who she is. She's always been that way.

Narcissists give or 'love' for a reason. It is a learned behavior they have learned is socially appropriate and  yet they can never fully understand what it means to give without thought in return. The act only goes skin-deep. They can act like the nicest people in the world and yet that is only show. They are incapable of innately BEING something good. Something kind. Something generous to others. To them, such actions are the first step in what someone else can do for THEM. It is the start of what good can come of it for them- it is not meant for the other person's good all on its own. The beginning and end of an act of kindness meant to enrich another.

In my relationship with the N's, in the years I've seen how they interact with hubby- I have never once seen this come genuinely from another person. I can say that this is the first time in my life I've ever dealt with people who can do NO good on their own. Who are incapable of BEING good to others because they want to. In wading through whom to trust and whom not to trust- I've found this helpful. I have to say DH's entire immediate family fall into the narcissist category. No exceptions. They are ALL this way regardless of who is better or worse than others. They ALL have the same philosophy on life that is so dangerous to others and prevalent in the narcissistic lifestyle.

Then there's extended family. I trust them as far as I can throw them. They may not be narcissists but they do not stand up for those bullied by them. They are enablers and continue the cycle of abuse by ignoring it. By 'praying' it away. As long as they all live together in the same area, I don't know if I can trust any of them. Period.

But I DO know I'm tired of hearing excuses for the N's. Tired of hearing their good qualities when they are skin-deep. When they are a facade. I think it's telling to be able to know someone for years and not to see a single 'fruit of the spirit' in their life towards others. No kindness. No generosity. No genuine goodness that is not forced or does NOT come from the parent's desire to fit in and be accepted by society. That is not in return for something anyone can do for them.

I don't want to be buddy-buddy with these people. I don't WANT to open a new email address to be pen pals with NSIL. She's had her chance. She's known me for over two years, or known OF me- to put it bluntly. I've been married to her brother for more than half of that. With N's there does come a time when it's too little too late. When trivial pleasantries are overshadowed by the crap of the past. When it cannot be simply swept under the rug in attempt for familial 'bliss' in their eyes. After the years I can say that I have no desire to open my heart or home to them. I have done my bit. They have been welcome and they rejected the welcome. Like a puppy just wanting to be played with- I did so many things to be a part of their world. I was shut out. For me it is a done deal. As long as they live with the N-rents I remain skeptical that they will ever break free from the cycle of abuse and abuser. That they will ever have anything in common with my husband because none of them have made an effort to get to know him or his new life with me. After the years I've realized he's a different person than he was. I am, too. He's changed. They have not.

I do hope genuinely that someday someone will break out of the family, like DH has done. I don't think this will ever happen though. N's can't live outside the N-nest. Without other N's to partner with and laugh with and live the good life with. Without the toxic support they would languish and die. At the very heart- N's are spineless bullies. People so miserable they put on other's outward good qualities to be accepted in life. To be loved and appreciated for something they are not. They really are a 'horse of a different color'.

I feel sorry for them. Never to know the peace from living who you are to the outside world every day. To being uniquely YOU and having your own good qualities to add to someone else's life. How exhausting it must be to live that way. But they are them and I am I- and in our circles- ne'er the twain shall meet. Like oil and water there is just no way to involve them in a genuine lifestyle. In a lifestyle I'm attempting at creating that banishes fakes and liars. You can't wake someone up who is pretending to be asleep. You can't cure someone who is feigning illness. You can't show someone the world when they refuse to open their eyes.