From DH


Here's a post from my husband that he had edited earlier today for the blog. I decided to post it unchanged from how he wrote it. 'Flaws' and all. How I hate the use of that word regarding N's.



It’s me, DH.

If you are reading this, you have likely read all the previous posts about our/ my wife’s struggles with my parents, FOO I believe it’s called. Let me start off by saying that it’s all true and not exaggerated. I am often saddened reading through the previous posts and seeing how stupid I’ve been. I know I can pull out all sorts of excuses (I grew up with it so it was normal to me, I was trying to work things out, blah blah blah…) but that doesn’t wipe away the fact that my priorities were messed up.
Family is very important to me. Loyalty and service to family is, in my mind, the best way to show respect and love to another. All my life I put my FOO ahead of myself purely for admirable reasons. I sacrificed my own comfort and convenience as a show of love and worthiness for those that benefit (friends or family). Once I started my relationship with my wife (first serious relationship, FYI) I found that tension was building, but I had no idea what it was from. I, as usual, decided the problem was with me as I was convinced the ones I loved shared those same feelings for me and would do what they could to make me happy. I was wrong, but only partly.
I was at fault, not the only one, but I was a significant contributor. My responsibility was my family and I failed to see that my family was no longer my FOO, it was my gf/fiancĂ©/wife. You know the details of my realization so I won’t waste any time by going over it again. I want to take this time to describe the conflict in my heart as I reorganized my life.
I love my FOO still, that’s who I am. I don’t speak to them outside my younger siblings and extended family, but I so desperately wish things were different. My other family members [NMIL, NFIL, NABIL and his wife ( I forgot her acronym)] are the ones that have gotten mad at me about my lack of communication. Everyone knows I detest talking on the phone. I would for others, but I won’t talk to them now because I know I’ll just start yelling at them. I told them early on (a point in which I was still hoping for reconciliation) just to email me as that would be the best way to talk for the above reasons, but that’s no good for them. Phone, Skype, or it’s not a legitimate conversation. I’m still hurt from their complete lack of respect for me and apparent lack of love for me. My mother is the controlling one, my dad is the angry one, and said brother and his wife are assholes that assume everything has a meaning/ determination to it. The latter two aren’t trying to control, they are self-centered and can be quite mean (I always knew this, but overlooked it for years and held onto the few good things about them since my life included them regardless). I suppose I’m rambling… the point is that I can plainly see who cares (younger siblings, gma, and other extended) and those that feel I’m obliged to be at their beck and call. Those that care don’t get angry at me. They miss me, but they don’t demand being at the forefront of my life.
We all have flaws and we all grow up differently. What I learned is to determine what flaws I can allow myself to be in the presence of and what flaws to escape from. [I was about to share a bit about my sister as she is a big contrast from the others by not seeking control or making demands on our time or attention. But in sending the first draft of this post to my wife to read through it, I am reminded of the strong lack of interest and consideration for my wife (or anything else not right in front of her- a flaw I also share) especially during our wedding. As you can see, I’m still working on reducing my wishful thinking and selective memory problems…]
The others have the kind of flaw to escape from. They wouldn’t see it as their own flaw; it’s mine. That is the problem- the thought that they are fine and did nothing wrong at any time to my wife. The thought that I wronged them by no longer being as I always was to them even though I’m taking care of my family (wife and soon to be child). That selfishness and complete ignorance of the negative affect their actions have on people is the kind of flaw that needs to be addressed then escaped from.
That’s what I’m doing now-escaping.
I’m wishing (even while knowing that it will never be) that they will see their flaw. O… I should also mention I’m wishing to win the lottery…

Comments

  1. Man! I could have written this post. I feel so much like you do. Thank god you got out of your denial long and far enough to save your family and your marriage.
    I didn't and ended up divorced from my second wife. Don't ask me how they do it, but they can. Or should I say my mother can.
    Only after the upheaval that led to my divorce was I forced to face what I knew was the truth from the get go. The things my now ex-wive told me mother said about me and did to us were things I have heard her say and do about/to others, but I always thought I was exempt.
    Nope. It doesn't matter if you are the golden child or the scapegoat. If you are out of the room they are picking at the threads they pick at to insure you will unravel.
    It breaks my heart to think of my mother living alone and no family around to take care of her.
    But this is something she brought on herself.
    Good luck on the lottery.
    It's not as dark a horse as your family.

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