I recently found this little gif on Pinterest and could not stop laughing. Maybe it's because my old shirts now fit like Pooh-Bear's due to the baby. Hoping it inspires laughter in someone else today!
Lately, I've found a wonderful thing to be happening to me. I do not give a shit.
I used to care so much about so many things, making others happy, being appropriate, etc. Much to my amusement my inner censor decided to go on a vacation with the rest of my brain now that I'm pregnant. Something really magical happens to a lot of pregnant women or so I hear. You simply forget what's coming out of your mouth and what's meant to be kept in your head. So often I'll hear myself saying random thoughts (GOD, even SINGING my grocery list out in the store) when I think I am doing this inside my head. Nope. Word vomit. Song vomit. I'll be watching television with my hubby and make random comments that only make sense to me at the time. Kind of like Sophia Petrillo from The Golden Girls. I swear I will end up just like her someday, hubby guarantees it.
Nothing would make my in laws angrier than to know I genuinely do not give a flying crap about them or their feelings. It's actually really refreshing to feel this way. My husband is someone who cares a great deal- I do hope someday some of me will rub off on him in that respect. There is something so liberating in learning to genuinely not care what people think (especially what the N's think!). I think for me, finding the freedom in the lies from them, acknowledging the lies from them and finally- dealing with it for so long- have all added up to this new discovery. Same-old. Same-old. Some of the things they say or behaviors they exhibit genuinely have me belly laughing now at times. I guess if I didn't laugh, I'd cry at how awful the stories can be. But I laugh. And feel terrible for the person telling them. It's really awful of me. I do take it seriously but I find it just so funny these days.
Last night I was reading book reviews on a clearly narcissistic mother's revenge on her daughter-in-law. http://www.amazon.com/Son-Is-Till-Gets-Wife/product-reviews/0982633750
Here is the link if you're interested. One of the reviews I especially loved was from Sister Renee from Luke 17:3 ministries, a ministry I love that is dedicated to bringing hope and freedom to ACoNs. I haven't read this book but am interested in getting it out from the library to laugh at the absurdities. Thankfully the only readers who seem to take this book seriously are other narcissists. The book is written by a woman who apparently chose NOT to go to her son's wedding and then was angry that they went ahead without HER present and did not reach out to HER to get her to come. Good grief. Also, she spent the day in a sort of sick ceremony burning a picture of the couple I believe as a way to handle the day. And she writes about it like it's healthy??? Referring to her son's lack of relationship as a divorce as if they were married. Never once thinking he genuinely loves his wife and is spending holidays and birthdays HAPPY with her parents instead of his own crazy ones. This book seems really ridiculous. I laugh because I know some of the accusations were made against me as well. It can't be farther from the truth.
If I have a boy, which my mother's intuition is telling me right now (who knows if it's right)- I can't imagine raising him in this way. To be my 'best friend'. Any parent who claims their son or daughter is their best friend from an early age- even babyhood- is on a pathway to danger. (don't believe me? Check out http://www.stfuparentsblog.com/ for actual facebook posts where parents will claim this about their newborns-toddlers!) In fact, putting ANY pressure on a family member to be there for you always, to be your only friend, is asking for letdown. No one's perfect and your kids should not fill the void left in you my the man who left you, by the lack of friends your age, etc. I know I will hold my precious baby in another 6 months and think, I can't wait to see the person they are going to become. The person they will marry (if they do!). I can't wait to be a part of their lives and be there for them. I feel if I've done my job right there will be happiness at the parting. At the knowledge my husband and I have raised a mature, caring individual who has so much to bring to the world (not to ME!). I can't wait to hold them when they're little and be a part of the letting-go as they grow up. Maybe that's strange. But I find it even stranger to assume a primary position in your child's life into adulthood. (Now I'm off-track here lol)
It's my hope that if you're going through pain and hurt from the N's right now, that you may find peace someday soon in the 'oh bother' mentality.
Another mental exercise which has helped me greatly in getting to this place is - whenever I am angry, whenever I am upset or remember what the N's said or did or are STILL saying or doing- I pack up those feelings and thoughts in a box in my head and throw it out of my mind like the trash it is. How dare they infringe on my time of joy during this pregnancy. How dare they encroach on my happiness in spending the day as I wish with DH. They have no place there anymore! There's no room in my mind for sad thoughts or lies from the N's. Nope. I'm moving all the sorries out of my brain to make room to think about wonderful things. About the baby. About redecorating. About projects I'm excited about. About well-anything- except them.
If the N's are getting you down, I encourage you to spend some time and find a mental exercise that works for you. It could be things like counting- naming all the things you want to do this weekend, your favorite books or movies. Simply getting out and going for a walk or to see a movie. Anything to get the N's out of your head. For me, the mental image works well. Putting up a 'wall' in my mind that they are not allowed to cross. That they can't cross. Over time that's gotten stronger and I'm able to do it more easily. I'm able to catch the thoughts and sad feelings before they encroach on my day more than they have to. Countering the lies with the truth and putting that box of lies far, far away because I want nothing more to do with it.
You DO have the power to free yourself from their grip, even mentally if that's all you're able to do at the moment. I hope that every day is a battle you will WIN against the sorries and worries the N's have put there. And when all else fails, think of the pooh picture. Take heart in knowing that nothing angers a narcissist more than the knowledge you do NOT think about them or indulge them in their guilt trips and pity parties. Look at all the bothers I give. :) Not one. Not a single one.