Psychopaths anyone?
Courtesy of Sister Renee Pittelli
Other Related Qualities of the sociopath:
Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them
Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them
Authoritarian
Secretive
Paranoid
Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired
Conventional appearance
Goal of enslavement of their victim(s)
Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life
Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love)
Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim
Incapable of real human attachment to another
Unable to feel remorse or guilt
Extreme narcissism and grandiose
May state readily that their goal is to rule the world
(The above traits are based on the psychopathy checklists of H. Cleckley and R. Hare.)
Most of these traits I can check with a big fat 'X' for the N's in my life (out of my life-rather!). It's clear these people need HELP- not those willing to feed into their drama. Sometimes I wonder how many hours it would take for the N's to be completely psychoanalyzed individually. Then I realize it'd probably take years- not hours. There are so many layers to their twisted worldviews!
Love your blog! Found this post about psychopaths mentioned on the side-bar under "blogs I read" at the "andmylifeitis" blog. You may also have seen my long-winded replies to postings on that blog as well. Have been experiencing my own MIL mess for 10 years now.
ReplyDeleteIt is a VERY GOOD thing you wised up and did No Contact BEFORE children are born. Have noticed that well-intentioned (and nice) people who have not been on the receiving end of the 'wrath of the narcissist' will usually empathize with the N's position and provide advice along the lines of establishing contact once children are born. I will stress that the people who recommend these things are usually not ill-intentioned; they are usually just ill-informed. Many people in this world are genuinely kind and so they are under the assumption that the narcissist can be worked with. They assume that since they themselves are kind and can be worked with, Ns can also be worked with if given enough chances. I will admit that I too believed this for many years, but after much heartache realized that it was never to be.
You are smart to set your limits up front and to take care of yourself and your unborn child first. Many studies have shown that undue stress on the mother can have a negative impact on the health of the baby that is still gestating. You absolutely have to put the baby (and thus yourself) first. This is not selfish-- it is smart self-preservation. It is brave and it is mature.
By the way, if you want a good laugh and want to see how willing a narcissist MIL is willing to go, I am pasting in a video link to a news story that I came across one day.
http://www.bvblackspin.com/2010/05/05/sunda-croonquist-lawsuit/
This is about a very beautiful, smart, and sassy African-American professional comedienne and performer who married into a Jewish family. Daughter-in-law got so sick of how she was being treated by NMIL and NSIL that she started doing comedy routines about these two. Well, what do you think NMIL did? She actually SUED her daughter-in-law!!! I am not kidding!! Well, fortunately, a judge was wise enough to throw this case out of court. You can see Croonquist's routine in that link and she really is very funny. I bet the thing that burned NMIL's butt the most was that Croonquist's routine has a whole lot of trut to it. Narcissists hate to look foolish!!
Best wishes,
Leah
PS-
ReplyDeleteForgot to mention the most outrageous part of that story that I had discussed in the first post.
The NMIL hired the law firm where her own son was a partner to represent NMIL in that case. So not only was NMIL suing her son's wife, NMIL was actually using the law firm that her son worked at to file the case against son's wife!!
Seriously-- the warped thinking of the narcissist never fails to amaze me.
Fortunately, looks like Croonquist wised up and does not allow her children to have contact with NMIL.
Hahah oh gosh, saw the video and made me laugh. Thanks for sharing! :) Seriously-messed up shit right there. ;)
ReplyDeleteThanks a bunch!
-Gracie
Hey Gracie,
ReplyDeleteWanted to share an observation about ethnicity and the occasional phenomenon of micro-ethnicity.
But first, a question: you had mentioned a couple of times in your blog that you were the only non-white person in your DH's family of origin. Was wondering what specifically that meant in your case.
Here's what it means in my case. Though my physical appearance looks southern Mediterranean paired with horridly pale skin, my family of origin's genetic pool contains a diversity of races, some that are non-white. My great-grandparent's on my dad's side were "passers" and were able to live successful lives out West. They never returned to the South because they were recognized as non-white. My in-laws actually do not know this about me since they would have all kinds of negative things to say about that. They assume I am just Caucasian.
But here is the kicker in terms of racism from my husband's parents towards me. Okay, my mother's side of the family if ethnically Jewish. Because of this, Jews would consider me to be an ethnic Jew since it travels through the mother's line. My mom's side of the family comes from the same "ethnic" Jewish heritage as my husband's family. Within the Jewish community there is a divide between Eastern European Jews and Middle Eastern Jews. DH and I are Eastern Europan Jews. DH's parents told him his while life he needed to marry an Eastern European Jew.
Ok. Check.
Here is where it gets convoluted. The last visit with my IL's-- the one that contained so many horrible events that it prompted No Contact-- ILs got into a debate with me about how I was not of "their people" and therefore inferior. My retort was that according to even Orthodox Rabbis, I am considered ethnically Jewish. (That is from a Rabbbi's perspective, but not necessarily how I see myself). They retorted with the fact that both of my parents are not ethnically Jewish. True. And then added that even if they were, they did not come from the exact same village in *** in the old world and so I am not "their people". I asked what the point was of them bringing this up. They simply shrugged and said I would never be part of "their people" and therefore never fully acceptable.
They did not dare to say this in DH's presence because he wouldn't have tolerated it.
So, that is the specific shade of racism of my own ILs. What about yours?
Hmm, interesting points! It's always good to hear new perspectives. In this case, just another way to 'justify' their abuse towards you I guess, right? Being jealous, being different- admitting these differences I feel only adds to their own self-worth when they tell themselves they are better than YOU. An N will pull at any difference at all to crucify you because to them, it's justified. Ignorance really. I'm sorry you had to go through that. It sucks! What a load of bull.
ReplyDeleteI've purposefully left a lot of the details of my own ethnicity in the dark but can share those with you since you asked. I just try to be vague to limit the amount of connections someone can track back to me personally if my cover is blown. I don't mind saying, though. I am hispanic. My family is mixed. I have an African American sister. For me, personally, I have always experienced racism throughout my life. I certainly don't look 'passable white' and for years I hated that about me. My features are different, my skin is darker and overall I take after the indian and dark hispanic in me as my great grandmother was full blooded american indian as well. What a mix, huh? lol the only ethnicity I can't boast about is Asian. ;) My mother was mistaken for a black woman recently- I laugh about this. The ignorance here is crazy. (she's not!)
I've been targeted and told I could never be in certain productions because I wasn't white enough. Because my features were thick, etc. So yeah- something I've lived with for as long as I've lived. ;) Gotta love ignorant people who hate so easily.
ReplyDeleteThe NIL's have always been iffy in my opinion. Their house boasts of African origins. Not because they are. But because they run a mission there to help the poor black folks, I guess. All about using wealth and keeping up appearances. DH told me while we were dating his father looked down on other cultures that were not European, specifically Christian European. Hymns, hard wooden pews, organs piping in, the lot. Suit and tie respectability in religion. Never crack a smile respectability. And so the ultimate paradox was that their house boasted of loving other cultures but in fact was only a shell of a fake interior that did not accept other cultures as equal to their view of righteous white america.
The ghetto was looked down on, not understood. No one ever visited. They have ethnic 'friends' but these 'friends' were never family. With many biased people I guess this was their way to justify 'we're not racist' while remaining completely separate from other cultures. Intermarriage had never happened. I swear I was the only latina in their northern city when I visited. Seriously have never been to a whiter area in my life. So white that the blue-eyed, blonde-haired image of beauty Hitler propagated was widely accepted as the norm. Difference was not beautiful, it was to be shunned and feared. Even in the 2010's.
And so- enter a whole slew of racial slurs and jokes. It makes me sick to think about even now.
I think if a person has to ask 'why would you say I'm racist?' they're asking the wrong question. It should be 'oh I'm sorry you think that- why do you think that- how can we change that?' Being defensive about it is just a cover-up for true feelings. No one gets angry who isn't uncomfortable by a truth presented to them.
Like in your family, differences aren't accepted and celebrated. They are used as an excuse not to get to know other people- not to be put-out of one's own comfort zone to attempt to make someone else comfortable, even in their own home.
It saddens me much of America is still this way. I'm so glad we both have no contact with these people! I pray my baby has the rainbow in them lol a smattering of wonderful differences that come together to make a whole new person awesome in their own way.
I could never move to a part of America so riddled by these archaic biases. I pray I never have to visit again for any reason!
Hope that helps. :) I would go into still more detail but I can only say so much without putting together a profile that shouts 'NIL's' to the world.
Much love,
Gracie
Targeted because your features weren't white enough? Isn't that ridiculous?
DeletePersonally, many of the Hispanic women that I have met who have more of the Native American features are astoundingly gorgeous. I am not just saying that.
It is interesting how each culture attempts to "train" the aesthetic of everyone in the culture. There are many conflicting ideals of beauty when we compare the aesthetic of different cultures. In the American 'WASP' community it is blond hair/very thin/blue eyes. Yet if we listen to how African Americans conceptualize beauty, we will quickly find that "very thin" is UNattractive. I say do away with the so-called beauty standard.
That which is attractive cannot be found in only one expression. Telling women they must fit into one narrow standard of beauty would be like telling florists that the only flowers that are beautiful are roses and then those roses must be in one specific shade of red to be 'perfect'. It would be even more absurd to then tell the florist that they need to buy props and red paint to make all the other flowers look like roses. That would be laughable, yet we women are kind of in a similar situation and we are encouraged to buy into the multi-billion dollar beauty industry. We are encouraged to buy our own props and paint so that we can better adhere to a very narrow and unrealistic beauty standard.
There was a book I read in college called "The Beauty Myth". My dad actually bought it for me because he has always seen through the BS of the narrow beauty standard presented in the media. To this day, if you ask my dad who the most beautiful woman is-- or ask him to name the most beautiful type of woman-- he will always say the same thing. My dad will say, "The most beautiful woman is ALL women. Women don't need to do anything to be beautiful because the fact that they are female makes each and every one of them HOT." Yes, that is what my good old dad says, but the best part is, he absolutely believes it. :-)
It's ridiculous, I agree but a stigma I've lived with my entire life. America isn't equal- yet- that's for sure. Something I hope changes when my kid is my age.
DeleteAlso frustrating that I work in the entertainment industry where hispanic women are usually asked to fit a certain role- if you're not super sexy you must be maid-material. :P Glad that's changing too!
I really like what you said about beauty being different- it's so true! The books sounds fascinating as well.
I have a favorite quote on beauty from Audrey Hepburn I believe, 'I believe the prettiest girls are the happiest ones'.
:)
Go Audrey!!! Love her, love her, love her!!
DeleteHere is a poem by her:
For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed: never throw out anyone.
Remember if you ever need a helping hand you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself and the other for helping others.
Yk, Gracie, I'm a true Mutt/mixed breed ethnic typical Melting Pot. I grew up in a Metro area where it was common to be exposed to many different people from all over the world. When I moved to The Tundra (my late DH was from this area) I was struck immediately by the Lilly-whiteness outside the Universities and Colleges who also own huge tracts of tax-free properties and could also exploit the impoverished "work force." Interestingly, it was not my ethnicity that attracted attention but the reality I was not "From Here." An "out-sider." I didn't dress like the locals (ex: my preference for large earrings etc.) and didn't look like the years of inbreeding that arose from the geographical remoteness of the area. I was (and still am to some extent) regarded with suspicion-30+ yrs. later! If they don't know your family, your "peeps" going back bibty generations they can't figure out how to pigeon-hole you/where you "fit in"-or don't. When ever I see some poor college student trying to hoof it back to their "residence" from the grocery store in the (9 mo. of) Winter, I always offer them a ride. Not only are they grateful, they also fill me in on how self-conscious they feel being out in the community. That whole "Not-A-Local" mindset has been far more enduring despite my "Bona-Fides" courtesy of my late DH! And-gasp, I did NOT take his last name when we married for very practical reasons.
ReplyDeleteWe come in a variety of "Wrappings" IMO but we all bleed the same color, we want OUR kids to succeed, we have the same hopes, dreams, aspirations. We're all human beings-regardless of where we're from be it by circumstances of our births or a reflection of a highly mobile society. However, I absolutely agree: the N's will always find SOMETHING "lacking" in a potential partner regardless unless the potential partner immediately surrenders their autonomy, self-respect and very humanity. That's unacceptable under ANY circumstances. And yes, we will protect our children from Predators-that's what parents DO.
TW
Ooh forgot to add: Kudos for not changing your name to fit the norm. I did not, either! For practical reasons as well as it makes me absolutely CRINGE to be called the same name as my NMIL or the same last name as the N-family attached to mine. For some reason I can't reconcile being attached to DH in this way and being attached to his family by the same name. I can't bring myself to do it legally although I will go by the N-name socially so as not to have to correct everyone I meet. :P I've been accused of not being normal, of not being attached to my husband enough to do this 'for him', etc. I just can't bring myself to attach their name to my own. To me, it's not a name I'd be proud of.
DeleteAh the outsiders. Gotta love being one of them. I have always been. Laughing at the inbreeding comment you made. It's so true, though! It's always been a pain in the butt that my skin color has been a separating factor though. :/ We all do bleed the same- except for N's. I think they don't bleed at all. ;)
ReplyDeleteYou are right, narcissists don't bleed because narcissists only bleed other people!
ReplyDelete