Anger- at what???
In my husband's previous post, I read something I will never- ever understand. That is, his family's anger towards him/me at his lack of contact. My first thought is," Oh God, why????? "
For a toxic narcissist, anger is often the first reaction to any and all problems facing them. To any and all people willing to oppose them even on trivial matters. In my research of people with NPD, this anger is often swift, severe and totally illogical. It is in that truth one can begin to unravel feelings of guilt and duty to someone who is angry at them (someone who is an N).
I've thought about what their mental process may be regarding DH and have come up with this hypothesis of how the thinking goes.
Oh no. Now he's not talking to me/us. I am just so angry. Why would they do this to me?? I NEED them to talk to me. I can't believe they are angry at me. I didn't do anything. What a bitch/bastard.
Here the thought process most likely rambles into the evils of said person. Notice the complete lack of 'what have I done to make them mad at me?' in this thought process. Then, like every MATURE adult should- if the hurt party brings up what was said or done to them in a way that says 'hey, that's not cool. That really hurt my feelings and I am letting you know because I care." Their response? Well.... How DARE they! I didn't do ANYTHING! I have nothing to apologize for. They are simply overreacting/imagining.
And again, here the thought process probably goes on to read into the hurt party's actions and past words. The N will most likely go into the storage room of their mind with everything they have ever known about this person and bring out the 'dirt' files of things they have read into that offend THEM about this person. Usually lies they make themselves believe. The pride in this astounds me, but it really shouldn't!
Oh. My. Word.
Isn't it ridiculous?! I may not be spot on with my thoughts on THEIR thoughts, but then if I thought like them I would BE like them and I am so so glad I am not. I find it ironic that an N's reaction to genuine hurt at their hands is to dive for cover and then return with blackmail on the person they offended to make themselves the victims. It couldn't be more ridiculous than if they ran themselves over with the aid of enabler family members with YOUR car and then blamed you when you were miles and miles away at the time of the incident!!! Then they wait in the hospital all propped up on pillows expecting a memorial-esque wall of flowers and well wishes as they swap stories of how awful YOU were to run them over with your car. How YOU should never have a driving license, etc. haha. Oh they are experts at playing the victim.
It makes me chuckle to think that anyone in DH's FOO believes he owes THEM an apology. Do they miss him? Probably not. As he said in his previous post- the ones who DO are the ones genuinely wishing us well during this time of starting our lives together. NOT the ones demanding he remain in their lives!
Can I just say that they have made NO effort to be a part of DH's life since they needed him, for the other wedding or otherwise?! And they still expect him to act like he's their best friend??? Sorry N's, that ship has sailed- sank- and is gone gone gone. They have NEVER showed initiative to genuinely caring for DH since he's been in a relationship with me, of getting to know me and respecting his decision in a life partner by doing so. Of treating me with kindness and thoughtfulness simply because HE cares about me. Nevermind the money he's spent on them, the time he's taken away from me to do things for them and be there for them. Regarding the past few years, even at our wedding- they didn't so much as give him a card in return. A note even! They were the only people who moved about the reception in a small herd of cattle. The only group NOT to sign a well wishing card that would have taken 30 seconds and that everyone else did. Really the only interactive thing at our wedding since it was so simple and small. There were 50 guests or so, so it was REALLY obvious. My point being- there is absolutely nothing they have done in the past few years to actively be there for my husband in any way. What assholes.
N's expect the world from you. In return YOU get the benefit of THEIR good nature towards you. Of THEIR money or words or attention. Like it's a prize! Poor darlings. I hate to say it but I'd rather spend an afternoon in the company of a farmyard full of pigs. Not that I have any particular fancy for the creatures uncooked and on a plate- but because somehow- just somehow- they look more human to me than my in laws.
Now I'm off to go burn in hell I suppose. But there it is.
For a toxic narcissist, anger is often the first reaction to any and all problems facing them. To any and all people willing to oppose them even on trivial matters. In my research of people with NPD, this anger is often swift, severe and totally illogical. It is in that truth one can begin to unravel feelings of guilt and duty to someone who is angry at them (someone who is an N).
I've thought about what their mental process may be regarding DH and have come up with this hypothesis of how the thinking goes.
Oh no. Now he's not talking to me/us. I am just so angry. Why would they do this to me?? I NEED them to talk to me. I can't believe they are angry at me. I didn't do anything. What a bitch/bastard.
Here the thought process most likely rambles into the evils of said person. Notice the complete lack of 'what have I done to make them mad at me?' in this thought process. Then, like every MATURE adult should- if the hurt party brings up what was said or done to them in a way that says 'hey, that's not cool. That really hurt my feelings and I am letting you know because I care." Their response? Well.... How DARE they! I didn't do ANYTHING! I have nothing to apologize for. They are simply overreacting/imagining.
And again, here the thought process probably goes on to read into the hurt party's actions and past words. The N will most likely go into the storage room of their mind with everything they have ever known about this person and bring out the 'dirt' files of things they have read into that offend THEM about this person. Usually lies they make themselves believe. The pride in this astounds me, but it really shouldn't!
Oh. My. Word.
Isn't it ridiculous?! I may not be spot on with my thoughts on THEIR thoughts, but then if I thought like them I would BE like them and I am so so glad I am not. I find it ironic that an N's reaction to genuine hurt at their hands is to dive for cover and then return with blackmail on the person they offended to make themselves the victims. It couldn't be more ridiculous than if they ran themselves over with the aid of enabler family members with YOUR car and then blamed you when you were miles and miles away at the time of the incident!!! Then they wait in the hospital all propped up on pillows expecting a memorial-esque wall of flowers and well wishes as they swap stories of how awful YOU were to run them over with your car. How YOU should never have a driving license, etc. haha. Oh they are experts at playing the victim.
It makes me chuckle to think that anyone in DH's FOO believes he owes THEM an apology. Do they miss him? Probably not. As he said in his previous post- the ones who DO are the ones genuinely wishing us well during this time of starting our lives together. NOT the ones demanding he remain in their lives!
Can I just say that they have made NO effort to be a part of DH's life since they needed him, for the other wedding or otherwise?! And they still expect him to act like he's their best friend??? Sorry N's, that ship has sailed- sank- and is gone gone gone. They have NEVER showed initiative to genuinely caring for DH since he's been in a relationship with me, of getting to know me and respecting his decision in a life partner by doing so. Of treating me with kindness and thoughtfulness simply because HE cares about me. Nevermind the money he's spent on them, the time he's taken away from me to do things for them and be there for them. Regarding the past few years, even at our wedding- they didn't so much as give him a card in return. A note even! They were the only people who moved about the reception in a small herd of cattle. The only group NOT to sign a well wishing card that would have taken 30 seconds and that everyone else did. Really the only interactive thing at our wedding since it was so simple and small. There were 50 guests or so, so it was REALLY obvious. My point being- there is absolutely nothing they have done in the past few years to actively be there for my husband in any way. What assholes.
N's expect the world from you. In return YOU get the benefit of THEIR good nature towards you. Of THEIR money or words or attention. Like it's a prize! Poor darlings. I hate to say it but I'd rather spend an afternoon in the company of a farmyard full of pigs. Not that I have any particular fancy for the creatures uncooked and on a plate- but because somehow- just somehow- they look more human to me than my in laws.
Now I'm off to go burn in hell I suppose. But there it is.
"I find it ironic that an N's reaction to genuine hurt at their hands is to dive for cover and then return with blackmail on the person they offended to make themselves the victims."
ReplyDeleteIt's pretty amazing, how good narcs are at turning things around, isn't it?
When I finally decided to stand up and say something, I wrote my parents a 5+ page letter. I did nothing more than to outline everything I was struggling with and why I felt so hurt. Deep down, I was hoping to get a response along the lines of "We're sorry - we never knew you felt that way... Let's get together and work this out"
Instead they turned it all around on me. I'm the bad guy, (because obviously everything I put in my letter never happened and I'm making everything up - yes, that's it!). One of their last emails/letters ended with something along the lines of "You will always be welcome here. Our door is always open." (And we'll be waiting for you to come crawling back). Oh hell no.
Hi Gracie, I like the example with the car. I would say they don't actually run themselves over with your car, they will never harm themselves. They lie it happened and then tell everyone it really happened, the enablers are the witnesses that have seen it happen. And then they expect you to be sorry for what you have done to them. All the while you have done nothing but they have invented this play in which you are starring and play the role of the vilain. It is sad that this people have made no effort to get to know you. That they have discarded their son who obviously loves them because they are his parents, regardless of what they have done. It is all about control, power play. I am happy you and your husband are emerging from the fog. That's a good thing. Wishing you all the best, J.
ReplyDeleteGrey,
ReplyDeleteHow disappointing! D: Although really, that's what we learn to expect from them. More excuses and being the holy, righteous person among the sinners (YOU mainly). I agree. Oh hell no!
J,
Agree here 100% in finding an analogy I forgot one major thing- N's will never hurt their precious skins. :P Lie about it, put on makeup bruises and blood for cover and cringe. ;) For the N's it would probably be WAY more elaborate than just running themself over.... it would include enablers, a dummy and a video camera to get the false evidence. Nothing is every UNcomplicated for them. ;) Especially cover-ups!