At the root
Happy Friday, all! Thought of the day I hoped to share with you:
At the root of dysfunction in all dysfunctional families is parental 'rights' and entitlement.
Every family is dysfunctional, each in their own way. But add an overwhelming sense of self to the mix and you have a narcissist-run dysfunction that is beyond simply being a 'difficult' person to deal with.
The parent feels entitled to things they should not feel entitled to.
Knowledge of their children's every move- even to adulthood. Control over their child's life in any way possible. For a narcissistic parent this is not done out of love for the child, but out of a sense of duty the parent feels is owed to them. A sense of self-importance and respect due to them by their adult child. The relationship is one of elder and follower, of respect and subservience. Not true respect for the child as another person, nor love for this child being their own person. But an attempt to control this person to be what the parent want them to be.
In narcissistic parenting, often parental 'rights' (I use quotations here because as we see these are not true rights at all)- absolute authority is expected to be given to them in the relationship at every level. Which is often why adult children find arguments and anger and wrath so abundant when they are making life-changes like moving away or getting married- or even having children when the narcissist doesn't approve of the timing! In a healthy relationship, parents should parent their children- should stand up for them and seek their best in every situation. As seen in narcissistic parenting, this is not the case. Nor does this stop once the child reaches adulthood. From the narcissists perspective you OWE them for raising you with your undying gratitude and service. You must be who they want you to be because they 'love you'.
There are no boundaries too great- no abuse they won't stoop to in order to get their way. This is why it's so dangerous to deal with these people! They are not limited by the boundaries of what is 'normal' in our society, in any society- really. They lack empathy. They lack fear of results because they cannot fathom any action on their part to be 'wrong' in any way. They are above the law. They are above YOU.
One thing that has helped me in dealing with the N's and my step to no contact with them is the knowledge of what I am gaining by doing so. I am gaining peace of mind, heart and home by reclaiming the peace that should have been there in the first place if these people were NOT toxic narcissists. I didn't reach this point until I stopped being a victim and started actively working for my own mental and emotional health. It's a lie and cop-out to claim anyone is responsible for this for you, personally. Nope. YOU are responsible for your own mental and emotional health. It's up to you to stand up and take responsibility for your own life. No one else's. I know this may seem like a grand statement to make, but if you say others are responsible for your own well being as an adult- you may as well be just like them. After all that's how narcissists deal, right? Deflecting the truth and running from anyone who holds up a mirror and shows them their real selves?
You are able to shatter the mirror- to change your circumstances- reclaiming your life is entirely up to you. No one else can take the blame for years spent doing nothing about it. I realize this is really hard for some- and I know that. Not everyone is at a place where they can pick themselves up from rock bottom- but to those who wish to- there will always be help. Counselors, therapists- friends who support you- blogs that give you hope and courage- there are LOTS of tools at your disposal if you are willing to make a change.
At the root of dysfunction in all dysfunctional families is parental 'rights' and entitlement.
Every family is dysfunctional, each in their own way. But add an overwhelming sense of self to the mix and you have a narcissist-run dysfunction that is beyond simply being a 'difficult' person to deal with.
The parent feels entitled to things they should not feel entitled to.
Knowledge of their children's every move- even to adulthood. Control over their child's life in any way possible. For a narcissistic parent this is not done out of love for the child, but out of a sense of duty the parent feels is owed to them. A sense of self-importance and respect due to them by their adult child. The relationship is one of elder and follower, of respect and subservience. Not true respect for the child as another person, nor love for this child being their own person. But an attempt to control this person to be what the parent want them to be.
In narcissistic parenting, often parental 'rights' (I use quotations here because as we see these are not true rights at all)- absolute authority is expected to be given to them in the relationship at every level. Which is often why adult children find arguments and anger and wrath so abundant when they are making life-changes like moving away or getting married- or even having children when the narcissist doesn't approve of the timing! In a healthy relationship, parents should parent their children- should stand up for them and seek their best in every situation. As seen in narcissistic parenting, this is not the case. Nor does this stop once the child reaches adulthood. From the narcissists perspective you OWE them for raising you with your undying gratitude and service. You must be who they want you to be because they 'love you'.
There are no boundaries too great- no abuse they won't stoop to in order to get their way. This is why it's so dangerous to deal with these people! They are not limited by the boundaries of what is 'normal' in our society, in any society- really. They lack empathy. They lack fear of results because they cannot fathom any action on their part to be 'wrong' in any way. They are above the law. They are above YOU.
One thing that has helped me in dealing with the N's and my step to no contact with them is the knowledge of what I am gaining by doing so. I am gaining peace of mind, heart and home by reclaiming the peace that should have been there in the first place if these people were NOT toxic narcissists. I didn't reach this point until I stopped being a victim and started actively working for my own mental and emotional health. It's a lie and cop-out to claim anyone is responsible for this for you, personally. Nope. YOU are responsible for your own mental and emotional health. It's up to you to stand up and take responsibility for your own life. No one else's. I know this may seem like a grand statement to make, but if you say others are responsible for your own well being as an adult- you may as well be just like them. After all that's how narcissists deal, right? Deflecting the truth and running from anyone who holds up a mirror and shows them their real selves?
You are able to shatter the mirror- to change your circumstances- reclaiming your life is entirely up to you. No one else can take the blame for years spent doing nothing about it. I realize this is really hard for some- and I know that. Not everyone is at a place where they can pick themselves up from rock bottom- but to those who wish to- there will always be help. Counselors, therapists- friends who support you- blogs that give you hope and courage- there are LOTS of tools at your disposal if you are willing to make a change.
Amen to this!
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