Hurt

It's been over a year for me since I have had contact with any of DH's family. Extended for a while until I deleted them off my facebook as well to avoid further drama and constantly having to explain why we wouldn't be visiting. My lack of contact with them this past year has only bandaged the hurt. Eased the pain. It's still there, though.

I've been encouraging my husband to write something for this blog. His thoughts on his family or even a letter of emotional vomit he'd like them all to read but feels unsure about sending. He keeps so much from me to avoid hurting me further. It only works a little bit as he's a bad secret-keeper.

I'm still hurting.

I read a post today he's going to edit and I shall post here later if I'm able. It really does pain me to see into how bad it's been and how much he's put up with still having contact when I've gone to no contact entirely cold turkey. I hope this year is different, either with total no contact for him or a final last letter to his family telling them exactly why he won't be speaking with them again. I feel the latter could induce more drama but only if there's any contact at all, right? It may help. Bring a note of finality to the end of a relationship. Bring an end to the abuse and leave everyone in no doubt of where we stand. Where he stands. I don't matter.

I always correct myself on that. Mentally. It's unusual, I suppose, to have to refer to oneself as an object. An animal. Something less-than human. But that's what I am to them. A pawn in a deadly game. An object that no one cares if it is broken in the mess of things. In-human enough to not attribute human-qualities of emotion and fear and hurt and love to. They don't care. That has never been more clear. In his post,my husband addressed the dreaded KKK pop up saying his sister was horrified it upset me. And is trying to mend her ways. To me, that was a slap in the face. I have to add that it doesn't matter what was discussed, what she told him. Any sadness she expressed. She never apologized or even brought it up to me. She was able to. At the time I had only cut contact with DH's parents before my big facebook and email purge of the N's. But that's how it is. Much the same with NMIL saying she wanted to send me an apology in one rushed conversation with DH over the car matter he was tied up with last year. All I got was the note that took all of one minute to guilt trip me into inviting them to my graduation. I never replied. A non apology.

It breaks my heart anyone should be treated in this way. It breaks my heart. Even now I cry over the feeling of incredible hurt and inhumanity of the way they still treat me. I always thought, rather-hoped, that somewhere deep down every human being shared a respect for another person simply on the grounds that that person is another human being, too. A certain amount of reverence I assumed came with the grounds of being at all human in this world. A dignity one is entitled to because they are alive. Because they are worth it no matter what price society places on their old or young head. Because they are people, too. Not objects. Not animals.

Perhaps that's what hurts the most. To know that, to them, I am not worth more than an animal. An object. They have no respect for me or my feelings. No thought to my hurt that they have caused and have been made aware of. The broken pieces of me are acknowledged and swept under the rug to hide from view as more important visitors make their way into the N's perception.

It's hard for me to accept this truth. To them- I don't matter at all. That there are people in this world who genuinely don't care for the well-being of anyone other than themselves. I guess because I'm in my early twenties I should know that by now. I should. But I still hoped.

My heart aches to bring up my baby in this environment of wrongs being left as they are. Of ties being shattered instead of cut clean. I still hope to shelter them from this, to make them aware as they grow that not everyone cares. Not everyone loves other people like they should. My husband speaks of these as their flaws. I see them as incomplete human beings. Waifs, ghosts of being molded into what they are today. Years in the making. People who can talk the talk but refuse to follow through. Who will probably go all their lives placing values on people's heads as to how much they fancy them. Who makes them laugh. Who laughs with them at others. Who feeds their precious egos. Who feeds into their bubbles of life where everything is ok. Where everyone is funny and amusing and life is a cheery bowl of ice cream and daisies. Where constipation of the brain and diarrhea of the mouth is a rampant illness. Where people are overlooked and things valued over others is a daily occurrence.

As for me, I will not talk to any of them as long as I live. I have no interest to pretend at their make believe of a happy family life. I refuse to pat their guilty little heads to make them feel better. I will continue to search for peace and happiness. I will hope to bring a little of the love and respect I have for others to the world. I hope to impart that on my child as well. To love when people are nasty. To have a safe haven for a home that has nothing to do with the N's in it. Whether or not my husband talks to them is his concern. For me and the baby my mind is made up. I will never allow their toxicity to touch me or them again. I will steel my broken heart against any and all accusations. I will move forward. I will be happy again.

Comments

  1. Gracie, I know intellectually you understand their nastiness is not directed at YOU, personally-it would not matter WHO DH chose to marry, the NPs would have been just as nasty to anyone else. They're equal opportunity destroyers.
    But still, I understand this is not what you envisioned at all. And I'm so very sorry for both of you particularly at this time with the baby on the way. I am a bit concerned DH refers to "flaws" as in, "We all have our quirks." I could be reading this wrong, so please set me straight, OK? But a Personality Disorder/Cluster B is far, far more than a "flaw." It's an unyielding characterlogical disorder, a pervasive way of doing/being in this world that is global in terms of it's effects on family members...which is a whole lot more to wrap your mind around than a "flaw." How much knowledge does he have re: Cluster B's? I also am uncertain where your DH is in terms of his relationship with his parents: MC (Medium Chill aka LC/Limited Contact) or how engaged he is with them. Obviously, the most important issue IMO is you're both on the same page in terms of how each of you has chosen to deal with the situation. I absolutely agree with you FWIW about not having any contact with the ILs at all. It's a challenge for ACoNS to separate from an NFOO and typically, LC alone is enough to have them up the ante to keep their "child" enmeshed in the system. Getting "out" is not an easy process and remaining involved is taxing as well. Each ACoN is unique and how they negotiate the pitfalls of separating/differentiating is as unique as they are.
    Yes, it IS heartbreaking in every way, Little One. I didn't face the same challenges as you two as I terminated the relationship with Psychobitch (oops, well, that's what I call my "Mother") while my late DH and I were dating so she never met him. He didn't understand at first but when he saw what she pulled post NC I didn't have to say anything more: He got it--Mon Dieu! Did he ever!
    Perhaps it would be better to not be privy to any "accusations" as the source of such are not worth a hearing in any event. They can say what ever they want-you're still a Marital Unit and nothing, including their nastiness in what ever form is going to change this reality. You have plenty of daily stuff to deal with and the extra stress is not of your making in any event nor is it anything over which you have any control.
    Take care of Mom/Gracie!
    TW

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  2. TW,
    I'm so glad you understand. You're right in saying I know it's not at ME- but sometimes that's the best way to sum it all up- sort of encapsulate the pain all in one generalized statement. I do wonder if they would have tried destroying anyone DH married who was eager and willing to feed into the family dynamic. I also wonder at times if he would be happier with a wife who goes along with it and is catty and immature back to maintain the family peace for him. That's just not me, though and I could never change who I was in a way that would please them for reasons outside my control (my birth, my looks, my social and religious background, etc).
    As for no contact or low contact- my husband told me today he has no contact with them. And yet to keep myself sane I admit I don't know how true this is. I don't go snooping. I guess I have to trust his words on that matter. Then again, I thought he went no contact with them months ago and I come to find more nasties hidden in what he wrote. I have no idea what he has addressed and not addressed. All I know is that whatever was said in defense of me/us has never been brought to light. I have never heard from anyone in the family even when they had contact and ways of contacting me personally.
    YES! yes yes yes. I cannot agree with you more. The term 'flaw' in the N's is an understatement and it angers me. He speaks of their many good qualities. Something I have never seen or given reason to believe ever existed in the N's. I believe his WHOLE family is included in the N-unit. Those who do not abuse are the silent enablers and in my mind, just as bad. He doesn't see this. Or chooses not to. He counters the term 'flaw' with their 'many good qualities'. I've only ever witnessed spite, anger, resentment, gossip and slander and verbal abuse towards me. I do think his thinking is jaded. I know I haven't known them my whole life but a few years of absolutely NO good qualities arising was enough to get me out the door. I have never seen any redeemable quality genuinely expressed from anyone in the family. Wracking my mind now, I cannot think of one instance where it was so.
    The term 'flaw' makes me want to scream and sigh and get angry all over again. I cannot understand how he loves them still. I cannot love anyone who is evil, who wishes and tries to bring about evil on others. But then, it's not my family. I have cut ties with family before and had no second thoughts or regrets. For me it was as easy as removing a sore. Never missed. Never cared it was gone. That's who I am even in relation to family. I refuse to make excuses and wish to God he'd stop trying to.
    I think today my eyes were open to the never, ever, ever relationship with the N's. It's impossible for me to ever pursue one with the knowledge of things hidden that are far worse than what I've gone through in person. My business right now is to take care of ME and my child. I'm glad my husband has no contact but it still hurts me to hear him try to excuse them.
    Growing up in that family, he's an expert at it. Excusing. Seeing the best in people when it's all make believe. Believing the lies. It's still very much part of who he is and it takes every bit of strength for me to not rip into that somedays. To gently point it out and get nowhere. Maybe if he heard it from someone else.
    No contact together we are a unit. But apart is what we still are in relation to how we see the truth for what it is. I feel his loyalty can never fully be with me until he is able to admit to himself that they have more than flaws and things to work on. Until he is able to see the fullness of their toxicity and put an end to that in his own life. We are on different pages in that respect. I'm tired of excusing them all and refuse to look for the good in them after all I've seen is blatant hatred.
    -Gracie

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