Crazy-making
I'm not sure if I've addressed this enough. I'm starting to feel as I go on writing that I'm repeating myself in more ways than one. Regardless, the topic of crazy-making needs a post dedicated to itself alone.
I'm no expert. I don't claim to be so. But I have gotten the crazies out of my life and can share pointers on what I've learned in the process. Why N's are crazy makers- what they hope to accomplish by doing so- and what you can do to break out of their cycle of madness!
There's a good chance you are dealing with a narcissist if:
You feel utterly insane.
You start questioning what you know to be true.
You are told you are 'imagining it' or 'making it all up'.
With adults, this technique of crazy-making can be devastating, but with children who are already grappling with what's true and what's a lie- it can be world-shattering. Changing reality, twisting the truth, is what narcissists do best and what they will do until their dying breath on this earth. If a narcissist is breathing, they're lying.
Why do N's crazy-make? Why do they change the truth and the laws of nature to follow what they want?
I think it's a tactic. A tactic of abuse. Of using one's own power and persuasion to alter another's perception of the truth in a situation. No one is truly above believing a lie. It's part of who we are as humans. Somewhere, deep down, a child grows up believing their parents. Trusting them. Their guardians, those in constant communication with them. It's how they determine how they see the world and who is safe and who is not. To children with narcissistic parents, it's no wonder many of them grow up to have a false sense of reality for years, maybe even their whole lives. If they truly acknowledged the harm their parents have done to them, they would have to build up their lives again from rock bottom. Everything they were ever taught is false. Everything must be questioned. For many people, that thought is too scary to consider.
For others outside the family circle (by marriage- talking about those marring into such families here)- it is important that the N use this method to break them down. To negate everything ever said, to make the outsider the crazy one. To manipulate their adult child, partner, children into viewing the person through the lies that they spin about them.
At the very heart of narcissism is the will to deceive. The choice to lie - to oneself, to others- is made early on in their lives. And they continue to live that lie they establish for themselves. They do not feel sympathy or empathy- they are psychopaths who mimic true emotion to attain other's high opinion of who they are (the lie they project to the world). The narcissist lives the lie. They have to. They don't know how else to live. Maybe that's why so many women face persecution when marrying into a family like this. They are the outsiders. In the N's eyes, they must be tamed and stifled- or turned into their little henchmen. Cronies useful to the N for the work of tearing down others in the future. A narcissist only cares about loyalty in this way. If you are loyal to them and their regime-or not. If you are not, you must be destroyed and crazy-making is one of the ways they can do this.
And so they make YOU out to be the crazy one. They lie about what you've said, who you are and how you behave. They negate anything negative and true you could ever claim about their behavior towards you. They're living a lie and you are the one to threaten that image to others. You must be destroyed.
Your belief system must be shattered. If you are a Christian, they are a 'better' Christian and MORE Christian than you because they will preach the gospel til their face is blue- but like Lucifer they are liars. Even Satan knew the Bible. Even he quoted it to Jesus in the desert.They will use what you know about the world, how other people behave to pull the wool over your eyes and catch you off guard. They will bully and demean in any way possible. They will constantly look for ways to offend and hurt you. They do this on PURPOSE. They know what they are doing. And they do it well. Just like the worst type of schoolyard bullies, they are the teacher's pet- the ones who kiss ass enough to be loved and appreciated by those in authority. The ones who do 'so much good' for others all the while destroying lives and families behind closed doors.
Narcissists crazy-make to lessen your influence and voice of truth in a situation. They use crazy-making to their advantage of making you to be the enemy when you are only the outsider. They use lies to make you doubt yourself when you see the truth and how you are worth more than what they dictate your worth to be. Even thinking about this really makes me feel sick. The thought that some people will actually TRY to cause emotional trauma and mental health issues by tearing people apart from the inside out. That they enjoy it. They mean to do it. It's certainly messed up.
To those suffering from the crazy making, I encourage you to stand up for yourself. To put an end to the cycle. To break free of the insanity by removing yourself from toxic situations. No good can come of it. A narcissist will never see the truth. But you do. It's important to get out while you still can- while you have some sense of self-worth and value. While you are aware it's not right or true what they are saying. Or you could be like me and let it continue to the point you are on anti-anxiety medication and need therapy to get through day-to-day life. I know I'm not to blame for what happened- but I DO know I could have saved myself a lot of heartache by getting the hell out of that situation when I could.
I'm no expert. I don't claim to be so. But I have gotten the crazies out of my life and can share pointers on what I've learned in the process. Why N's are crazy makers- what they hope to accomplish by doing so- and what you can do to break out of their cycle of madness!
There's a good chance you are dealing with a narcissist if:
You feel utterly insane.
You start questioning what you know to be true.
You are told you are 'imagining it' or 'making it all up'.
With adults, this technique of crazy-making can be devastating, but with children who are already grappling with what's true and what's a lie- it can be world-shattering. Changing reality, twisting the truth, is what narcissists do best and what they will do until their dying breath on this earth. If a narcissist is breathing, they're lying.
Why do N's crazy-make? Why do they change the truth and the laws of nature to follow what they want?
I think it's a tactic. A tactic of abuse. Of using one's own power and persuasion to alter another's perception of the truth in a situation. No one is truly above believing a lie. It's part of who we are as humans. Somewhere, deep down, a child grows up believing their parents. Trusting them. Their guardians, those in constant communication with them. It's how they determine how they see the world and who is safe and who is not. To children with narcissistic parents, it's no wonder many of them grow up to have a false sense of reality for years, maybe even their whole lives. If they truly acknowledged the harm their parents have done to them, they would have to build up their lives again from rock bottom. Everything they were ever taught is false. Everything must be questioned. For many people, that thought is too scary to consider.
For others outside the family circle (by marriage- talking about those marring into such families here)- it is important that the N use this method to break them down. To negate everything ever said, to make the outsider the crazy one. To manipulate their adult child, partner, children into viewing the person through the lies that they spin about them.
At the very heart of narcissism is the will to deceive. The choice to lie - to oneself, to others- is made early on in their lives. And they continue to live that lie they establish for themselves. They do not feel sympathy or empathy- they are psychopaths who mimic true emotion to attain other's high opinion of who they are (the lie they project to the world). The narcissist lives the lie. They have to. They don't know how else to live. Maybe that's why so many women face persecution when marrying into a family like this. They are the outsiders. In the N's eyes, they must be tamed and stifled- or turned into their little henchmen. Cronies useful to the N for the work of tearing down others in the future. A narcissist only cares about loyalty in this way. If you are loyal to them and their regime-or not. If you are not, you must be destroyed and crazy-making is one of the ways they can do this.
And so they make YOU out to be the crazy one. They lie about what you've said, who you are and how you behave. They negate anything negative and true you could ever claim about their behavior towards you. They're living a lie and you are the one to threaten that image to others. You must be destroyed.
Your belief system must be shattered. If you are a Christian, they are a 'better' Christian and MORE Christian than you because they will preach the gospel til their face is blue- but like Lucifer they are liars. Even Satan knew the Bible. Even he quoted it to Jesus in the desert.They will use what you know about the world, how other people behave to pull the wool over your eyes and catch you off guard. They will bully and demean in any way possible. They will constantly look for ways to offend and hurt you. They do this on PURPOSE. They know what they are doing. And they do it well. Just like the worst type of schoolyard bullies, they are the teacher's pet- the ones who kiss ass enough to be loved and appreciated by those in authority. The ones who do 'so much good' for others all the while destroying lives and families behind closed doors.
Narcissists crazy-make to lessen your influence and voice of truth in a situation. They use crazy-making to their advantage of making you to be the enemy when you are only the outsider. They use lies to make you doubt yourself when you see the truth and how you are worth more than what they dictate your worth to be. Even thinking about this really makes me feel sick. The thought that some people will actually TRY to cause emotional trauma and mental health issues by tearing people apart from the inside out. That they enjoy it. They mean to do it. It's certainly messed up.
To those suffering from the crazy making, I encourage you to stand up for yourself. To put an end to the cycle. To break free of the insanity by removing yourself from toxic situations. No good can come of it. A narcissist will never see the truth. But you do. It's important to get out while you still can- while you have some sense of self-worth and value. While you are aware it's not right or true what they are saying. Or you could be like me and let it continue to the point you are on anti-anxiety medication and need therapy to get through day-to-day life. I know I'm not to blame for what happened- but I DO know I could have saved myself a lot of heartache by getting the hell out of that situation when I could.
There is only one flaw with this piece.
ReplyDeleteYou said you THINK it's a tactic.
You need to trust yourself and KNOW it's a well thought out and elaborate plan to keep you off your feet.
oh no! That's what I meant to say. D: Thanks for pointing that out. I guess it's second nature to doubt myself, something i'm working on. Correction: I KNOW it's a tactic. I have to stop saying I 'think' something is the truth when it is. :p work in progress, really glad you caught that.
ReplyDeleteGracie, Each time I read one of your Posts I'm just fascinated by how quickly you've nailed the NPs from their "presentation" to their tactics and beyond. It also reminds me of how NPs so adroitly hijack our feelings, perceptions, experiences etc. to suit their own agendas. As children we had no choice but to go along with the crazy even though we *knew* there was something really, really wrong with the NP and the entire NP System of "Planetary OBJECTS" (that'd be us, the hapless kids!) that must (imperative) revolve around the NP.
ReplyDeleteAnd you do this with such clear-eyed, laser accuracy. Your ability to cut through the crap that envelopes us from our earliest memories steeped in FOG, tap-dancing our way through a lifetime of eggshells/Familial IEDs is stunning, IMO.
You were treated horribly by your IL's and your DH appears to be on the receiving end of one of the most common tactics (generally unstated) utilized by NPs: "You're either with me or against me." (I actually had that said to me repeatedly, BTW.) In their binary world, you're either "In" or "Out:" You either bow and scrape at their alter of massively over-inflated egos, disrespect and mind-fuckery or they'll declare all out War on the most healthy person in the whole mess-you!
As horrible as it is growing up with an NP or a Walking Cluster B parent, my heart really goes out to all of you who married into these messes. And I do know it wouldn't have mattered who the AC chose as a partner, the NPs would NEVER accept them, no way, no how. You're too much of a threat when you make it clear you will NOT participate, you will NOT bow before their throne and you WILL be treated with dignity and respect as a human being or you will walk away. IMO, it's likely this is the first time these NPs have been confronted by the natural consequences of their behavior. Adults throwing tantrums worthy of a 2/3 yr. old, engage in manipulation, denigrate the spouse etc. seal the deal, confirm your decision and reinforce to the AC, "Yep. They really ARE THIS NASTY!"
I do wish your DH would read other Blogs for ACs. He's surely not alone. How I wish this technology had been available years ago when I was bumbling alone in the dark, trying to find my way out without even "Self-Help" types of books. I had no one to even talk to about this stuff and often couldn't even describe or find the right words to convey the crazy, the enduring pattern of abuse/maltreatment that informed my life. For awhile, much like your DH I had a foot in both worlds, so to speak. After picking up one too many splinters in that tender area while riding the fence I got off-forever.
I regret only the time, energy, tears and years it took for me to do so. Thank you and the other DILs/SILs Bloggers for your efforts; they are not in vain. Your DH is fortunate to have a partner such as you, IMO. Since he's been fed a steady diet of scraps (and crap) it's gonna take him awhile to fully understand and accept when your NPs and their Minions disrespect/hurt your partner, they are de-facto doing the same to you. INTENTIONALLY.
That is *not* "OK." Or "acceptable." Ever.
TW
Aw thanks for posting. It really means a lot to me! I agree and am SO thankful that we live in an age of internet community where you CAN find others just like you and work through things together. It was by sheer grace I came across ACoN blogs a year ago and started to read up to my heart's content. Saved my marriage. No doubt about it!
ReplyDelete