Confessions from the Fog

The other day my husband and I had a brutally honest conversation about where we are since ancient history- or whatever happened 2 years ago that sent us on this fiasco. But first- kudos to us! 2 years of no contact. It's been real. ;) Anyway, back to the main topic. I have a hard time trusting my man, we had a fantastic relationship up until his brother's wedding disaster. He made bad decisions and hurtful ones and really backslid into losing his dignity, respect and self-awareness he had up to that point. I know it will take us years ahead to work through all the crap we've gone through- but it can be done. With no contact. That's why I'm not keen on beginning any sort of relationship with anyone who even reminds me of the N's.               It's been two years. Two long, hard, terrible years, but things are starting to look up at long last. And I realize marriages aren't made in years or decades, but in daily choices to start afresh and to hel...

<< That's always a phrase my best friend uses when she has to do something that she really doesn't want to do. Doctor's appointments, house cleaning, and other such items. Not going to lie, really depressed today and this holiday in general. Post partum depression (7 months in!) is not helping in the least. Neither is having no family to speak of to celebrate with. I'm grateful it's just the three of us but I feel the need to make this Christmas extra special since it's my son's first- although he won't remember it. Honestly, I would normally be happy to have a small Christmas. But this year is different. With depression looming over me it's hard to find joy in the things I usually love about Christmas. I don't want to watch my favorite seasonal movie or make the cookies I make every year. I don't want to listen to carols cut out paper snowflakes and decorate the house. And so- mandatory fun, my friends, mandatory fun. Maybe forci...

It's the most loneliest time of the year. With the kids jingle-belling and everyone telling you BE OF GOOD CHEER. Pardon the terrible rendition. The holidays really are the worst time of the year for those with psychopaths in the family. On one hand you yourself are fighting past decisions to stay away from harmful people- while others may tell you to 'let bygones be bygones' - aka- essentially telling you to put injustices in the past so we can all get along and have a merry effing Christmas for God's sake. I've seen some of the WORST advice this week to others in similar situations to where I've been in the past, although not direct family like my stories from the crypt. It simply is NOT the place of adults to mediate between feuding family members, or even non-family members. If you're in the middle- get out. Plain and simple. It's a lie that families HAVE to be together over the holidays. Not everyone has a Norman Rockwell family. Besides, it...

Lately I've been doing more than hoping the N's will just stay silent and go away all on their own (as if). I'm not a praying kind, not after all I've been through at the hands of "Christians". But maybe I'm just too far removed from their grasp to think differently. Lately, I confess I've been praying and hoping and wishing they would die or some harm would befall them. That justice would be served by death if possible, one of the only ways we can truly not have to worry anymore about being tied financially to something DH can't touch until their passing. As I said before, I'm not much of a Christian- but I do believe in just desserts. Retribution in the next life if not this one. But for me, this one will do just fine ;)  I unashamedly admit I wish they were no longer on this earth. I admit it would make me happy to hear their evil ways couldn't touch another in the years to come.  Wishful thinking, huh?

nearly 11,000 hits! wow. I never, ever dreamt this blog would be popular. I literally just started it to 'word vomit' my emotions into cyberspace anonymously!

It's no secret that I'm a private person. I recently made any and all pictures of my son visible to only me and my husband on Facebook. Since having a baby I've gone off the deep end with a lot of my OCD tendencies, most of which revolve around the safety of little dude. My sister posted a picture of him to one of her albums without asking and I had a mini freak-out. I know the people who can view my facebook, but hers? Not so much. So a PSA for you all. Please don't post or tag pictures of other people's children on social media without their parent's express permission to do so. You just might be the link some creeper needs to find their child or family. You might not know why people are private- but you need to respect that. Something that's been eating me up is that DH sent his grandmother and his little sister a CD of pictures of Dominic. I'm ok with his grandmother having them, honestly she isn't computer savvy and lives the winter far away...

I've noticed lately a LOT of people new to dealing with N's are struck by guilt- the thought that THEY are in fact to blame. That they WANT to blame themselves because of course, no one can be that insane as the N's can be. Friends, we live in a culture that is very much into victim blaming. So much so that victims often don't come forward lest they are dismissed. Abusers are good at what they do and no one wants to stop them apparently. So to keep the peace, they blame the victims. You shouldn't have been there. You shouldn't have worn that. You shouldn't have said that. Because- you asked for it, right??? Then there are the little hints of blame that cut to the core.... Are you SURE you didn't ___ ????? I can't believe so-and-so could do something like that!! Was anyone else there??? (because obviously your word isn't good enough) Really?! Sorry but that just makes me extremely angry. In a world where we often heap guilt onto ...