Confessions from the Fog

I would usually write about something like this on my other blog (link to the right of my main one here) Almost one full year since I had my son. Almost 3 since it all went down (history with the N's) Oh my goodness. All the shit. haha. It's an understatement. But you guys get me. Shit on the fan, shit on the floor, all over everybody. (French! sorry/notsorry) I can say without a doubt I've been pushed to the brink. Of insanity (hell- I'm crazy) of my physical bounds, of my emotional and general well being. I've been suicidal. Depressed. Anxious. Panic-attacks every day there for a while. It's gotten so that I'm not even sure where the crap is coming from anymore. Post partum depression? (11 months and counting, yippee) Drama? Maybe just emotional crap overload in general. When your whole world comes crashing in and someone hands you a pill to see reality a different way, your life is changed forever. It's a crazy ride. But you're not alo...

It's time I wrote something about what's been eating me inside lately. Rage. Associated to quite a few things but I believe all of them are situational. I'm not a basket case but I do have more than my fair share of drama and baggage. Things I feel rage towards- things that have happened that bring about this response deep inside me of disgust and hatred..... - I was never allowed to be fully 'me'. In my home it was either my parent's way or the highway and even into my mid twenties I still feel twinges of guilt and fear associated with discovering who I am- someone different than my parents and what they want me to be. I mean, when you're told all your life you're going to hell if you don't believe in your faith- it kinda rubs off on you. The fear of being wrong is eternal damnation and family abandonment, something no 5-6-7 year old should ever have to fear or be told to fear. How sick I feel when I think about what I was told. - Not being li...

Maybe the term 'rewind' is archaic at this point, but I have used it nonetheless ;) Ever notice how N's tend to dwell in the past? I had heard of this but didn't start noticing it until more recently. It's another great way to tell the non-N's from the N's and flying monkeys. The latter group tend to lump happy memories together but always in the past. They talk about what has happened, what happened to someone else, decades or years ago. I think I've already mentioned this in a previous post but it bears repeating. I think we all have a tendency to dwell on the past, but the difference for us non-N's is that we can look back, smile and then look ahead and move on with our lives. Happy memories are simply that, happy memories. We do not necessarily seek to re-tell these memories to anyone listening, to depict the obviously happy moment, the one where everyone thought you were so funny or smart or kind or beautiful. It's not necessary for us t...