Rage
It's time I wrote something about what's been eating me inside lately. Rage. Associated to quite a few things but I believe all of them are situational. I'm not a basket case but I do have more than my fair share of drama and baggage.
Things I feel rage towards- things that have happened that bring about this response deep inside me of disgust and hatred.....
- I was never allowed to be fully 'me'. In my home it was either my parent's way or the highway and even into my mid twenties I still feel twinges of guilt and fear associated with discovering who I am- someone different than my parents and what they want me to be. I mean, when you're told all your life you're going to hell if you don't believe in your faith- it kinda rubs off on you. The fear of being wrong is eternal damnation and family abandonment, something no 5-6-7 year old should ever have to fear or be told to fear. How sick I feel when I think about what I was told.
- Not being listened to. I still struggle with this but for years I would not be listened to and I felt as if I could never go to my parents for guidance without judgement. For anything. Being made fun of for my hopes and dreams, for being afraid of certain things. Basically belittling who I was and was trying to be, see point one above!
-The injustice that should have been prevented. The anger I feel at the university for allowing my in laws to work their way to me when they should not have been given my personal information. I feel as though I have hit the end of the line so to speak with this investigation. They have protected their asses and will most likely wrong another student with perhaps more grave consequences than I experienced.
-The PTSD I have from my wedding. I'm not even kidding you, because of my own family and my in laws I feel sweaty and shaky and sometimes I have nightmares and flashbacks to my wedding day. I felt abandoned, vulnerable and targeted as the cruel comments did NOT end on this day but in fact, increased in intensity. I still burn with anger as I process the day or am reminded of the day by looking at what should have been happy photos. I knew I was pretending. That smile was not real, it was holding back the tears after my family abandoned me and my in laws verbally belittled me once again.
-The resentment I feel when I remember people like the N's exist. They are not figments of my imagination. They are not dead. They are alive and walking and talking and lying out their asses to everyone they meet to this day. Grooming victims, hurting others. Gaining worldly goods by cheating other men and women. The un-Christian part of me hopes some great harm befalls them and the Christian part of me hopes and prays God will smite them for all their wicked ways.
As my son's birthday approaches, I honestly can't fathom any of it anymore. I am a mother, a mom, a mommy to my dear little boy. To be honest, he could dress in drag and have multiple sex changes and I would still treat him the same. There is nothing on earth he could ever do that would make me treat him the way I was treated and still AM treated.
The N's want in his life- this I know- but they want it with no strings attached. When a buyer thinks something is 100% free and then reads the fine print- they usually end up walking out of the shop. It's the same way here. They will never have access to my son, they have to go through me first and the only way that's going to happen is over my dead body. They don't want to be in his life- they want him. Who he is. To shape and mold and change. They want complete access while still treating me worse than the lowest scum on earth. Less than human. Because I'm different.
As a mom but also as a decent human being, I really can't understand their mindset. I do know that I need to keep writing, keep talking about my anger before this all blows up in my face. I can't keep the pain and bitterness down forever.
It really seems like there will be no resolution for me in this life. I hate that. I am a resolution kinda girl. I like things to be done and final. And they will be someday. But it seems like I'll only breathe freely when they die and go to hell. I know it sounds harsh but hey- it's honest and honest is something I do well.
Things I feel rage towards- things that have happened that bring about this response deep inside me of disgust and hatred.....
- I was never allowed to be fully 'me'. In my home it was either my parent's way or the highway and even into my mid twenties I still feel twinges of guilt and fear associated with discovering who I am- someone different than my parents and what they want me to be. I mean, when you're told all your life you're going to hell if you don't believe in your faith- it kinda rubs off on you. The fear of being wrong is eternal damnation and family abandonment, something no 5-6-7 year old should ever have to fear or be told to fear. How sick I feel when I think about what I was told.
- Not being listened to. I still struggle with this but for years I would not be listened to and I felt as if I could never go to my parents for guidance without judgement. For anything. Being made fun of for my hopes and dreams, for being afraid of certain things. Basically belittling who I was and was trying to be, see point one above!
-The injustice that should have been prevented. The anger I feel at the university for allowing my in laws to work their way to me when they should not have been given my personal information. I feel as though I have hit the end of the line so to speak with this investigation. They have protected their asses and will most likely wrong another student with perhaps more grave consequences than I experienced.
-The PTSD I have from my wedding. I'm not even kidding you, because of my own family and my in laws I feel sweaty and shaky and sometimes I have nightmares and flashbacks to my wedding day. I felt abandoned, vulnerable and targeted as the cruel comments did NOT end on this day but in fact, increased in intensity. I still burn with anger as I process the day or am reminded of the day by looking at what should have been happy photos. I knew I was pretending. That smile was not real, it was holding back the tears after my family abandoned me and my in laws verbally belittled me once again.
-The resentment I feel when I remember people like the N's exist. They are not figments of my imagination. They are not dead. They are alive and walking and talking and lying out their asses to everyone they meet to this day. Grooming victims, hurting others. Gaining worldly goods by cheating other men and women. The un-Christian part of me hopes some great harm befalls them and the Christian part of me hopes and prays God will smite them for all their wicked ways.
As my son's birthday approaches, I honestly can't fathom any of it anymore. I am a mother, a mom, a mommy to my dear little boy. To be honest, he could dress in drag and have multiple sex changes and I would still treat him the same. There is nothing on earth he could ever do that would make me treat him the way I was treated and still AM treated.
The N's want in his life- this I know- but they want it with no strings attached. When a buyer thinks something is 100% free and then reads the fine print- they usually end up walking out of the shop. It's the same way here. They will never have access to my son, they have to go through me first and the only way that's going to happen is over my dead body. They don't want to be in his life- they want him. Who he is. To shape and mold and change. They want complete access while still treating me worse than the lowest scum on earth. Less than human. Because I'm different.
As a mom but also as a decent human being, I really can't understand their mindset. I do know that I need to keep writing, keep talking about my anger before this all blows up in my face. I can't keep the pain and bitterness down forever.
It really seems like there will be no resolution for me in this life. I hate that. I am a resolution kinda girl. I like things to be done and final. And they will be someday. But it seems like I'll only breathe freely when they die and go to hell. I know it sounds harsh but hey- it's honest and honest is something I do well.
Yep. This sounds and feels familiar. And I felt guilty as hell for feeling like this which of course just added more to the pile of "You're a terrible person" blaa-blaa-blaa. No, I wasn't. I was human and ergo, I felt all kinds of stuff when I was finally "allowed" to-whether I wanted to or not.
ReplyDeleteBefore any of that could even happen though, apparently I needed to feel safe enough to feel. Which (not surprisingly) meant I needed to get away from all the CBs for more than a few months to calm down enough for the rest of the stuff to rear it's (ugly) head. I was one.pissed-off.lady. The last time I was that pissed off, I destroyed my living room. Not a good thing. This time, I just let it play-and I went for a walk. Or put on some kick-ass music and danced around my living room. Drove screaming in my car with the windows shut on a back road. Cried. It took awhile, but eventually, I wasn't furious any more. Just disgusted. And sad. What a waste of my life. "Resolution." I don't know what that means anymore. Grief-or vestiges of it-never ends. It just leaves an ache.
I just wish someone had told me at the time it was OK, this was normal and this intensity? It'll pass. So I'm telling you, 'K?
TW
Thanks so much! Your words really do mean a lot to me, it's nice to know it will pass! Nearly 3 years later and it's still so fresh. I may or may not have destroyed my bedroom at some point or other :x
DeleteThis post really spoke to me. I'm struggling right now with the owner of my company, and what it comes down to is not being listened to, being belittled. Points 1 - 3 really resonate with me because this is exactly what happened to me growing up. Your final point about your son and the narcs wanting access to him without strings is what I am struggling with as well. My DS is older than yours and my narcs lost access by bashing me to him in the most horrible of ways. Stay strong in denying access; Ns don't change their stripes.
ReplyDeleteStay strong as well and thank you for your kind comment :) Amen amen to that! After posting this I saw a news story where a narc family 'reconciled' with their adult child.... and then went ahead to kill the grandchildren to take it out on the adults. The horror that went through my mind when I read it was incredible. They really don't change, you are an excellent parent for knowing that :)
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