Confessions from the Fog

.... came from my therapist. To those who don't know I've been seeing a new therapist for about a month now. My spirits were incredibly lifted when she told me during our last session that I was at the point where I was going to be able to put the past with the N's behind me and move on. I hadn't thought about being 'ready' for this big step before but thinking on it- I am ready. I have no idea how I've gotten to this place but it's a good place to be at. Maybe it's the constant retelling of the saga to so many people over the past year. The blogging I've done to rid my mind of the negativity. The counter-acting truths I try to keep in my mind when fears and doubts creep in. Nevertheless, it's been a long hard struggle and I'm finally at the brink of letting go. My hope with my therapist is to get my new life to be the new normal for me. To NOT focus on the land of never-will-be and on the land of what-really-is. To accept our family is g...

If you are familiar with the George Orwell classic, feel free to skip the plot summary I've included from  wikipedia animal farm . If not- here's a story summary that will probably ring all too true for many ACoNs. Plot summary Old Major, the old boar on the Manor Farm, calls the animals on the farm together for a meeting, during which he compares the humans to parasites and teaches the animals a revolutionary song, 'Beasts of England'. When Major dies, two young pigs, Snowball and Napoleon, assume command and consider it a duty to prepare for the Rebellion. The animals revolt and drive the drunken and irresponsible Mr Jones from the farm, renaming it "Animal Farm". They adopt Seven Commandments of Animalism, the most important of which is, "All animals are equal". Snowball attempts to teach the animals reading and writing; food is plentiful, and the farm runs smoothly. The pigs elevate themselves to positions of leadership and set asi...

I knew it wouldn't be long and I was right. (as usual- scary when it comes to N's- waiting and waiting and waiting for something to happen but not knowing what) Hey, at least now we know. Remember last year's tax fiasco? That went on for months? It's happening again. And now I think I know why- or at least have some guesses. Hubby is tied to the in laws with a K1- something he HAS to pay taxes on every year that is dependent on them getting their sh*t together. If they drop the ball on this he can potentially get prosecuted although our taxes together as a couple are done and managed with time to spare. The details for this year's taxes were supposed to be finalized in October so this mistake wouldn't repeat itself in April. I was just informed NMIL called my dad at work to tell him they have to send us an urgent tax form request- they never finished it like they said they would months ago. Cue the stress. Now they have to overnight something to us to over...

Ever since I've been pregnant I have had weird, vivid, often very long detailed dreams about something rooted in reality. This also extends to my family and in laws. This is something I'd write here or talk to my therapist about but never- ever- mention it in casual conversation. My dream self is disturbed. Like a woman loosed my id explores every option as super-woman. Every failed conversation, ever terrible situation. Oftentimes the dreams will put me into a world that is possibly worst-case scenario and my dream self will act out all the urges I keep bottled up inside me- mainly to keep myself from being jailed if I had acted on those impulses. Last night's dream involved me and hubby going back to his family's home. His siblings were all rallying around him telling him, oh my god, I missed you- to which they ignored me as usual and I muttered to hubby that they had years in which to contact him but didn't so not to trust their sugary sweetness. This past year...