A woman loosed

Ever since I've been pregnant I have had weird, vivid, often very long detailed dreams about something rooted in reality. This also extends to my family and in laws. This is something I'd write here or talk to my therapist about but never- ever- mention it in casual conversation. My dream self is disturbed. Like a woman loosed my id explores every option as super-woman. Every failed conversation, ever terrible situation. Oftentimes the dreams will put me into a world that is possibly worst-case scenario and my dream self will act out all the urges I keep bottled up inside me- mainly to keep myself from being jailed if I had acted on those impulses.

Last night's dream involved me and hubby going back to his family's home. His siblings were all rallying around him telling him, oh my god, I missed you- to which they ignored me as usual and I muttered to hubby that they had years in which to contact him but didn't so not to trust their sugary sweetness. This past year we got a new car, selling hubby's old one and the one that caused so much headache last year with the title being tied up at his parent's home and us being so far away. I had a dream NMIL was so pissed we got a new car behind her back that she waited until DH wasn't looking and went out to the driveway and took off her high heeled shoes and started screaming and whacking the hell out of the hood of the new car. I pointed this out to DH from a window so he could see what his mom was really like when he wasn't around.

In this dream the in laws walked on egg shells around me, not looking or talking to me. But I didn't let that go. I got all up in their faces. I called them all horrible names and screamed at them. A rude hand gesture from me satisfied any handshake we may have exchanged after years of being parted. I laughed in their faces as they phrased things in such a way to DH to sound like little saints. I laughed and called the girls all whores for being so two-faced. The dreams usually end with me murdering them or burning their house down or destroying something tangibly related to their well-being. It feels good to wake up after these dreams. It feels good to have no boundaries at least when I'm asleep. To finally take matters into my own hands and destroy what I can to bring the N-empire crumbling down. I've noticed the more time I am away from it all the more bold my dream self is when it comes to dealing with them. I am no longer afraid- I am the one they fear. I'm no longer a wallflower- I'm the one in charge.

No contact really is like death in a way. They are dead to me. They aren't a part of this world. At least not MY world. I would be happy if they died- but I no longer wait for the peace that would come with their death. Because in my mind, I have already killed them. Maybe my violent dreams are simply me trying to get closure that will never be until physical death for them in this world. Maybe it's a substitution for peace or resolution I am denied as long as they live. In my mind they are dead. I have killed them. Maybe forgiveness (of myself at least) and peace will come easier since I've reached this point. I feel so messed up for admitting this. But the truth is I've never been happier than with a good f-you and mentally killing that part of my life which holds me back from the future.