Confessions from the Fog

Sorry I've been missing in action for so long! I promise to get to more posts/emails as soon as I can. Lately I've been mostly on bed rest and the past few days I've had symptoms that are similar to preeclampsia. :/ Had to go to the dr's today and waiting for my regular ob for my next appointment on Tuesday. Nothing much I can do but rest and try to keep active when/if I can. Nights are painful, so are days lately. Easter Sunday I'll be officially into the third trimester. Let's hope baby boy is able to hang in there and grow until at least 35 weeks! Until then I apologize if I'm absent. Still thinking of all of you and wishing you the best. Hoping you and your families (adopted or otherwise) have a wonderful Easter weekend! <3

Shoot at will cause those suckers seem to be everywhere. I guess the major positive thing about dealing with N's for a while is that you learn to be one step ahead of them. I feel the N's have reached the last stage in their pity party- I really don't know how many more monkeys they'll send before they get tired of BS-ing us and make an attempt to 'right' the 'wrongs' against them in person. Remember last year's tax fiasco followed by DH's car title fiasco? Yeah. Well- at least the tax lovely attachment follows us every year with a lovely sticky K-1 to keep DH permanently tied down to the family until their imminent death. This year at least he got the documentation on time. Not from a family member, not immediate family, oh no- from an uncle. Someone I've never met but works with NFIL- someone DH has said had his own fight with NFIL, moved to another state and is now back in the family fold of the company. This monkey was sent along to pas...

I may have touched on this in the past but since my posts focused on my husband's family rather than my own, I failed to put out an accurate picture of this time in my life spanning about a year. How the families interacted was one thing, how one thing fueled another has yet to be mentioned. Forgive me if this is a repeat. As I was reminded and have been thinking a lot lately, the past often dictates the future. Behavior does indeed repeat itself. In order to make informed decisions and boundaries I need to rehash the facts in a new light. My husband's family is out of the picture, my own is not. Going over the past with them doesn't really matter because our decision not to see them again is already solidified in our hearts and minds. Regarding my own family I find myself treading on new ground. Unsure where to step. That's where the past comes in. I've said before if not for my parent's urging I possibly would not have married my husband. I feel the need to ...

The topic of this post really opens up another world of concealed crap in my life. So forgive me if it gets off topic sometimes- I promise to reign in the rabbit trails and try to stick to the topic at hand- passive aggressiveness from my family. I'm no rookie at experiencing this from my mother. She seems to be the person who does this the most in my family. And in no uncertain terms. Here are the facts and what happened yesterday to get my dander up.  Brief story time to set the tone. Hubby's been working late. He has two jobs and has had them for a few months now taking him away on the weekends and sometimes into the evenings if he is called in (he's an academic tutor for specific tests and subjects). Yesterday someone cancelled and he was called in around lunch time to stay into the evening to cover this person's shift. Always looking to get more hours, hence more money for us with all the baby purchases, he took the shift and let me know he was coming home ...

It's nearly two weeks since my relationship with my family has been the same as it always has been for- well, all my life. Today I decided to check in on my feelings and see if anything has changed. Still confused. Still hurt. Still have no idea what the rest of my life will look like in relation to them. My mom mentioned coming over mid week as they are doing some errands in my neighborhood and sometimes pop by (her and my little sister, that is). I still don't want them over. I gave a 'maybe' as to how I'll be feeling that day as morning sickness is still my main excuse (true but not bad enough most days to not have them over). I've been alone for much of the past few weeks. DH works two jobs and has been getting more hours lately at his second job. So it's me- my projects for the baby- my pets- my house- and pure, hellish silence causing me to face my fears and feelings- occasionally drowning them out with the blare of the radio or television in the bac...

I'm sure I'm not the only one who has heard this before. I always thought it was a cop-out to actually admitting some situations can indeed be downright socially uncomfortable without 'making' it so. Walking out of the ladies room with toilet paper stuck to your dress- that's awkward. Barging in on a couple during a dispute where obvious truths you were not meant to hear were exposed- that's awkward. Some situations are just plain uncomfortable- no doubt about it. I feel the people most familiar with these feelings of discomfort are often from very dysfunctional families themselves. Growing up in such circles there were always question you'd never ask- people you never talked to- people you always talked to but didn't know why you HAD to- etc. etc. Growing up I stumbled upon a lot of things I didn't want to know. Someone from my dad's family was messed up enough to keep the actual rope my great grandpa hung himself with- people at reunions were...

Sorry for the lack of creative post title. Lately I've sunk into a deep depression that doesn't seem to be lifting anytime soon. Blame the hormones, blame the pregnancy for making it more difficult as I already have an anxiety disorder to deal with- however I do think much of this depression comes from the changing/lack of real relationship with my family as I explore the depths of my memory and realize it's not all pretty. I'm coming to terms with it. Slowly, but surely. My husband is encouraging me to have at least my parents know when we have our baby so they can meet us at the hospital. I remain apathetic towards that idea, hoping my feelings will change but each and every day I just don't care. I don't care enough to make excuses, to keep smiling, to pretend everything is ok when it's not and I already told them it's not. My family would be mortified that I am even a regular blogger about my experience with my husband's family and abuse I re...

It's been a week and a half since I actually talked much with my family. A week since my sister had her surgery. Hubby and I stopped by to do laundry at their place the other night- I'm really glad he was with me and we didn't stay long. It's so awkward pretending to be fine when I'm not and already told them and there's nothing more to do about it but change boundaries. I'm still pretty pissed at them. I've learned a LOT about boundaries and who not to trust right now. Or even in the future. Trust is earned- not given. Something my old counselor taught me. A good way I've always found to determine whom to trust is this: how much do these people talk about others when they're with you? A warning sign should go up if you are friends or even acquaintances with those who use prayer requests as a means of spreading gossip. I'm in the old fashioned category and feel that if the person themselves hasn't made the request public knowledge, ...