Boundaries with non-family
It's been a week and a half since I actually talked much with my family. A week since my sister had her surgery. Hubby and I stopped by to do laundry at their place the other night- I'm really glad he was with me and we didn't stay long. It's so awkward pretending to be fine when I'm not and already told them and there's nothing more to do about it but change boundaries.
I'm still pretty pissed at them.
I've learned a LOT about boundaries and who not to trust right now. Or even in the future. Trust is earned- not given. Something my old counselor taught me.
A good way I've always found to determine whom to trust is this: how much do these people talk about others when they're with you? A warning sign should go up if you are friends or even acquaintances with those who use prayer requests as a means of spreading gossip. I'm in the old fashioned category and feel that if the person themselves hasn't made the request public knowledge, it probably shouldn't be shared by another. Also- if the person talks about others to your face, they do the same about you behind your back.
I'm titling this post non-family because lately I've seen a lot of drama revolving people outside familial borders. Family is one thing but those friends of family- the ones certain members trust? How do you handle them?
I have several people in my life right now- well, not IN my life- but they certainly THINK they are in my life! The people who don't take hints, who don't realize after saying 'no' to get togethers for years you are simply not interested in considering them a close friend. For me, these are family friends who knew me years ago and I haven't really spoken to in years. And yet- they feel they are welcome to any and all information given to them by my mother and to share that information with those I do not know at all. Talk about awkward.
My mom's best friend's daughter posted something today on her Facebook which cemented my fears about her and her family. She revealed her friend's boyfriend had died during the night- posting it in a way to make it seem like a prayer request. Now I know, I know- this may be totally fine IF his family were close to her or IF she had cleared it with them that it was okay to post. In reality- she doesn't know his family at all and this girl isn't even her best friend. Maybe I'm judging, maybe I'm missing some crucial information- but I was completely mortified that someone- anyone not close to the family would post this a mere hours after this 20-something's untimely death. I've seen this with my older sister too. (go figure- she commented on the status as well). I found out my grandpa had died this past year via her facebook post. I was away on business and my family knew not to tell me because I wouldn't be able to attend the funeral and it would have upset me at a time when I couldn't be there/do anything about it. We had all agreed on this before I left as he wasn't in the best health but there was nothing to be done but go on living per usual. Again- I found out a mere hour after he died via my sister posting publicly for all to see. She knew I didn't know. And yet- nothing is scared anymore it seems. This is one of the major things that bugs me with the mentality of some in social media today. Anyone's news is someone's personal benefit or gain. Think I'm kidding?
This is another red flag in whom to keep at arm's distance from you if you value privacy. Those who post or share intimate details about other's lives. My sister and her friends have been doing this for a few years now. I've seen them post engagement statuses and birth announcements before the parents/engaged couple even get to tell their families. Pictures of someone's newborn before they are even given consent from the parents. Pictures of someone's child doing something in the nude when they are babysitting and posting the picture for all to see. In a world of overshare some people simply do not think that the people the picture revolves around may care if it's public domain for life on the internet. Once uploaded- it's there for good!
It's okay not to keep these people close to you! You never owe anyone an explanation to why you say no to meeting up with them, or having them over. I feel this is one of the main fallacies in adult friendship/relationships. You never owe someone an invitation or a phone call or a text message back. It's simply okay to say 'I got the message but didn't get to reply' and change the subject. It's okay not to agree to have people over when they invite themselves to your home! It's ok to say no to watching someone's kids if they have previously trashed your house or ruined something of yours on a previous visit. It's okay to ask someone NOT to hug you or invade your personal space if they are ill. It's okay!
Lately I've been struck by how prevalent this view of selflessness-turned-stupidity is found in Christian culture. I remember an old veggie tale's song ( I hate veggie tales for the record!) that went something along the lines of telling children to 'stop and go with mercy' to 'give them a second chance' using examples of other children breaking toys or being selfish or being completely rude. The answer in the song was always to give them a second chance because Jesus did for all of us. Well, that's fine- except this mentality often encourages a mindset that is not altogether healthy for anyone. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person and let things go- BUT regarding your personal life I believe you should have ultimate say and control with how others treat you. Giving someone a second chance does NOT mean putting yourself in a situation to be used and walked all over. That's stupidity. I read a quote once saying that stupidity is essentially trying the same steps time and time again and expecting a different outcome. If I say yes to everything and everyone- if I say that's 'ok' and I 'forgive you' and put my feelings aside- I am NOT showing that person God's grace- nor am I helping them out in any way possible. There were times when, during his ministry, Jesus himself left the crowds to be alone for a while. And yet- this practice is almost never capitalized in regular Bible-quoting that tells us to leave our sanity at the door to help others. We are taught to reject modern psychological studies that show this behavior to be detrimental to our personal health. We are taught to reject the fact that some people simply reap what they sow and should be allowed to fail- to flounder- to think about how their own life choices have ended them up where they are-miserable and alone with no one to care for them. I feel this kind of tough love needs to be shown more as a healthy response to other's failures.
In thinking about non-family issues like this, I've realized only one thing. It's okay to say no. In fact, it's more than okay, it's smart. In light of this, I've decided not to go along with any shower/baby plans my parents have in store with these 'friends'. The end result is not worth the trouble it will cost us. Not worth feigning a relationship. It wouldn't be a one time thing, either. I feel it would only give them permission to pop over unannounced to see my newborn when I really don't want them in my house to begin with! I'm giving myself permission to say no and to hide if need be during this pregnancy. I'm not meeting or seeing anyone I don't want to from now until after the baby is born and I have time to re-evaluate how this lack of contact has gone and if it's really made a healthy difference in my life.
I never thought I'd feel this way about anyone. I really do have some kind of spiritual gift to cut people out of my life with little thought to anything except how it cuts down my stress level. I couldn't care less how they felt right now.
EDIT: I just thought of this *facepalm* obviously another reason not to trust these 'frenemies' would be that they know the N's in your life, exhibit N-like behavior OR- completely disregard your boundaries with the N's whether they know these people or not! Those who disregard or disrespect your boundaries with abusive family should never, never be allowed a close, personal view into your life. Ever.... I can just see that kind of relationship developing into a headache waiting to happen! Temporary mind slip but this point can't be stressed enough in my opinion. Those who don't know the whole story or are inclined to say 'forgive and forget' when they DO know the whole story- keep those freakies away from personal information! They are not to be trusted not to spread that around as yet another way to make them look like they have the inside scoop on you or your personal life!
I'm still pretty pissed at them.
I've learned a LOT about boundaries and who not to trust right now. Or even in the future. Trust is earned- not given. Something my old counselor taught me.
A good way I've always found to determine whom to trust is this: how much do these people talk about others when they're with you? A warning sign should go up if you are friends or even acquaintances with those who use prayer requests as a means of spreading gossip. I'm in the old fashioned category and feel that if the person themselves hasn't made the request public knowledge, it probably shouldn't be shared by another. Also- if the person talks about others to your face, they do the same about you behind your back.
I'm titling this post non-family because lately I've seen a lot of drama revolving people outside familial borders. Family is one thing but those friends of family- the ones certain members trust? How do you handle them?
I have several people in my life right now- well, not IN my life- but they certainly THINK they are in my life! The people who don't take hints, who don't realize after saying 'no' to get togethers for years you are simply not interested in considering them a close friend. For me, these are family friends who knew me years ago and I haven't really spoken to in years. And yet- they feel they are welcome to any and all information given to them by my mother and to share that information with those I do not know at all. Talk about awkward.
My mom's best friend's daughter posted something today on her Facebook which cemented my fears about her and her family. She revealed her friend's boyfriend had died during the night- posting it in a way to make it seem like a prayer request. Now I know, I know- this may be totally fine IF his family were close to her or IF she had cleared it with them that it was okay to post. In reality- she doesn't know his family at all and this girl isn't even her best friend. Maybe I'm judging, maybe I'm missing some crucial information- but I was completely mortified that someone- anyone not close to the family would post this a mere hours after this 20-something's untimely death. I've seen this with my older sister too. (go figure- she commented on the status as well). I found out my grandpa had died this past year via her facebook post. I was away on business and my family knew not to tell me because I wouldn't be able to attend the funeral and it would have upset me at a time when I couldn't be there/do anything about it. We had all agreed on this before I left as he wasn't in the best health but there was nothing to be done but go on living per usual. Again- I found out a mere hour after he died via my sister posting publicly for all to see. She knew I didn't know. And yet- nothing is scared anymore it seems. This is one of the major things that bugs me with the mentality of some in social media today. Anyone's news is someone's personal benefit or gain. Think I'm kidding?
This is another red flag in whom to keep at arm's distance from you if you value privacy. Those who post or share intimate details about other's lives. My sister and her friends have been doing this for a few years now. I've seen them post engagement statuses and birth announcements before the parents/engaged couple even get to tell their families. Pictures of someone's newborn before they are even given consent from the parents. Pictures of someone's child doing something in the nude when they are babysitting and posting the picture for all to see. In a world of overshare some people simply do not think that the people the picture revolves around may care if it's public domain for life on the internet. Once uploaded- it's there for good!
It's okay not to keep these people close to you! You never owe anyone an explanation to why you say no to meeting up with them, or having them over. I feel this is one of the main fallacies in adult friendship/relationships. You never owe someone an invitation or a phone call or a text message back. It's simply okay to say 'I got the message but didn't get to reply' and change the subject. It's okay not to agree to have people over when they invite themselves to your home! It's ok to say no to watching someone's kids if they have previously trashed your house or ruined something of yours on a previous visit. It's okay to ask someone NOT to hug you or invade your personal space if they are ill. It's okay!
Lately I've been struck by how prevalent this view of selflessness-turned-stupidity is found in Christian culture. I remember an old veggie tale's song ( I hate veggie tales for the record!) that went something along the lines of telling children to 'stop and go with mercy' to 'give them a second chance' using examples of other children breaking toys or being selfish or being completely rude. The answer in the song was always to give them a second chance because Jesus did for all of us. Well, that's fine- except this mentality often encourages a mindset that is not altogether healthy for anyone. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person and let things go- BUT regarding your personal life I believe you should have ultimate say and control with how others treat you. Giving someone a second chance does NOT mean putting yourself in a situation to be used and walked all over. That's stupidity. I read a quote once saying that stupidity is essentially trying the same steps time and time again and expecting a different outcome. If I say yes to everything and everyone- if I say that's 'ok' and I 'forgive you' and put my feelings aside- I am NOT showing that person God's grace- nor am I helping them out in any way possible. There were times when, during his ministry, Jesus himself left the crowds to be alone for a while. And yet- this practice is almost never capitalized in regular Bible-quoting that tells us to leave our sanity at the door to help others. We are taught to reject modern psychological studies that show this behavior to be detrimental to our personal health. We are taught to reject the fact that some people simply reap what they sow and should be allowed to fail- to flounder- to think about how their own life choices have ended them up where they are-miserable and alone with no one to care for them. I feel this kind of tough love needs to be shown more as a healthy response to other's failures.
In thinking about non-family issues like this, I've realized only one thing. It's okay to say no. In fact, it's more than okay, it's smart. In light of this, I've decided not to go along with any shower/baby plans my parents have in store with these 'friends'. The end result is not worth the trouble it will cost us. Not worth feigning a relationship. It wouldn't be a one time thing, either. I feel it would only give them permission to pop over unannounced to see my newborn when I really don't want them in my house to begin with! I'm giving myself permission to say no and to hide if need be during this pregnancy. I'm not meeting or seeing anyone I don't want to from now until after the baby is born and I have time to re-evaluate how this lack of contact has gone and if it's really made a healthy difference in my life.
I never thought I'd feel this way about anyone. I really do have some kind of spiritual gift to cut people out of my life with little thought to anything except how it cuts down my stress level. I couldn't care less how they felt right now.
EDIT: I just thought of this *facepalm* obviously another reason not to trust these 'frenemies' would be that they know the N's in your life, exhibit N-like behavior OR- completely disregard your boundaries with the N's whether they know these people or not! Those who disregard or disrespect your boundaries with abusive family should never, never be allowed a close, personal view into your life. Ever.... I can just see that kind of relationship developing into a headache waiting to happen! Temporary mind slip but this point can't be stressed enough in my opinion. Those who don't know the whole story or are inclined to say 'forgive and forget' when they DO know the whole story- keep those freakies away from personal information! They are not to be trusted not to spread that around as yet another way to make them look like they have the inside scoop on you or your personal life!
Hello Gracie,
ReplyDeleteGOOD FOR YOU!
Love this post and must agree 100% with what you are saying.
On a tangent-- and here is what I have learned about Jesus in my
own study. Over the years have developed a completely different
view of Jesus than is what is taught in typical Christian churches.
1) While it is true that Jesus healed and said 'turn the other cheek'
Jesus also 'shook the dust from his feet' when others were not
interested in his message or receptive to being better people.
In other words-- when he realized this about a person-- he
MOVED ON and did not stay around to keep trying to change their
mind or their hearts.
2) Jesus got ANGRY as hell (no pun intended!) when people were
displaying unrighteous behavior. He got especially angry when
people did this in the name of God or religion. Case in point--
the money changers set up their tables and did their deals
in the synagogue. Jesus responded by turning over their tables
and throwing their stuff around in a fury. He made it loud and
clear that one never does humanly motivated things or things
done for personal gain within the context of God or a holy place
of God.
3) See #2 and realize that, YES, Jesus did get angry!!! We can therefore interpret that righteous anger is a good thing. In fact, Gracie,
I believe you made this excellent point in one of your previous
posts :-)
4) While Jesus loved unconditionally and had the grace, love, and
strength to go to the cross, that was one of the things he signed up
to do. We do not have to 'sign up' to be persecuted by others.
5) If you look closely at what Jesus actually said instead of
various interpretations, it is interesting how closely his message
follows many of the things found in Eastern religions. (Buddhism
for example).
The bottom line is, just like you, I see a lot of UNreasonable things
being done under the guise of christianity or prayer.
I do not believe it is anyone's right to spread the personal business
of another. Period. (Now, one caveat-- this past year I have had
so much pain involving my own mother-in-law that I have taken
stories about her and posted them online. Normally, I do not do
this kind of thing and especially NOT to friends or acquaintances.
But, I have gotten to the point where I am at my wit's end with that
situation and I sought the solace of other women (online) who are
going through similar things. And then I do not use real names
and I do not talk to people in everyday life about my mother-in-law
issues).
One more thing-- if people spread gossip via Facebook etc, it
is an absolutely maddening thing. This is one reason I do not have
a Facebook account. My husband doesn't have one either. But,
this whole thing with Facebook is an illustration of a larger
issue in society. We have come to live in a culture where
over-sharing is the norm. Unfortunately, it seems that many people
believe they are owed the most intimate details of everyone
around them. If you layer that on to the fact that most women bond
through a method called 'information brokering', this culture
of over-sharing becomes out of control and many people get
hurt emotionally when their business is spread around. The
way I deal with this is I do not talk about friends-- ever. I
do not talk about the business of friends or (most) family members.
And, I do not participate in social networking sites like Facebook.
I have also stopped uploading family pictures (for the most part).
Gracie, your post is right on. Everything you are feeling and observing
is absolutely correct. So happy that you are getting to this point since
you are going to feel less stressed. :-)
Hugs,
Leah
I wish I could delete my facebook, my husband doesn't have one neither does my best friend. I need it for networking though since I'm an actor by trade. :/ I'm all too familiar with information brokering! Especially if that's attached to a 'prayer request'- I'm always a little suspicious of those people who share other's requests.
ReplyDeleteAmen to keeping it all anonymous. Besides my best friend I don't think anyone but my family who was there know the details of what all went down with my in laws. This blog has kept me sane and kept me from sounding like a broken record to hubby!
Thanks for commenting!