Going on week two
It's nearly two weeks since my relationship with my family has been the same as it always has been for- well, all my life. Today I decided to check in on my feelings and see if anything has changed. Still confused. Still hurt. Still have no idea what the rest of my life will look like in relation to them.
My mom mentioned coming over mid week as they are doing some errands in my neighborhood and sometimes pop by (her and my little sister, that is). I still don't want them over. I gave a 'maybe' as to how I'll be feeling that day as morning sickness is still my main excuse (true but not bad enough most days to not have them over). I've been alone for much of the past few weeks. DH works two jobs and has been getting more hours lately at his second job. So it's me- my projects for the baby- my pets- my house- and pure, hellish silence causing me to face my fears and feelings- occasionally drowning them out with the blare of the radio or television in the background. Too much time to think is scary so I often avoid it altogether by working on something that takes no brain effort to complete.
I've been forced to face the fact that we're not a 'normal' family. Even the three of us after our baby is born. They will never know my husband's family and I'm not sure they will ever meet any of them. There is only excitement from my parents on the new baby- and that is overshadowed by the fact they do not respect my boundaries or wishes in relation to my personal life. My privacy. I used to let them invade our home whenever at the drop of a hat- now I don't. So that's changed, too. My older sister is recovering from her surgery, her birthday coming up. I have no idea what to get her because I don't know her at all. Her only thoughts about me and my changing life are - it makes me (HER) feel old. My little sister inappropriately tries to butt into everything as usual and I really don't want her or my mom in my house until projects are done and the baby is here and they can do or say nothing upsetting about my progress- my cleaning or home in any way. When they come over I hardly sit down. I need to do that more and need more silence and privacy because I NEED to take care of myself lately. I've been having slight contractions and need to rest and keep my feet up. I feel awkward to do this around my family, especially my mom. I hate resting while they're over and feel I have to 'perform' every time they do so as not to be hurt again, not to be criticized. Don't look in my fridge. I know we need to go shopping. I know we need to do this or that or get maintenance to take a look at something but I do. not. have. time. and the time I DO have I spend feeling ill and having to put my feet up and deal with the emotions of feeling useless because I can't accomplish everything on my own. And boy am I on my own.
I'm saddened by a growing number of realizations since last month. Hubby urging me to not cut them out of my life entirely- urging me to have my parents visit us at the hospital. Of course I want this. Of course I do. But my heart is hardening towards them as much as it does towards anyone who has hurt me and wants back in my life. It makes me feel sick to think about. I'm turning the option of a shower down simply because I don't want to go over my parent's house- I don't want to perform for them or their friends. I don't want to see their friends who know so much about me and my baby without my consent that this information is even given out to these people. They don't know me. I'm not going to perform for a party where it will be a repeat of my bridal shower. The day I had to perform and clean up on my hands and knees after everyone had left. The day I had to shove down my feelings and sob about it later because it was awkward, miserable and disappointing. To be surrounded by people who only want the latest gossip. Who want to support my mother and her grandson. Not me. Not really me in any way. Leave me alone. Don't give my address out to these people- they already have it from guess-who! If they show up to see me or the baby unannounced I'll pretend I'm deaf and will not answer the door. This actor is out. I don't do shows on demand anymore.
I refuse to give into urges and requests just to appease someone. Whether that be my husband or my parents- his family or the busybodies. I want to move away but I can't even mention it lest my mother say she's moving with us. Or saying she can't move because she needs to be close to her grandbaby.
I have a hard time really reconciling those feelings within me towards my family. They act excited- they act like they love me. But they don't understand. They're not willing to see how much it hurts. I told them it hurts. I left it at that. They said they're sorry and now they want back in my life- as if everything can go back to normal? It makes me sick.
I'm tired of explaining or even admitting we won't be having a shower of any kind. That we have no one there for us right now. That my best friend is states away and can't be there for me- but she is still a better aunt and support than anyone in my family right now.
They've ruined so much for me. So much excitement that was mine alone. So much happiness. I don't want to see any of them and that's not changing anytime soon. I wish my husband would understand. I don't need or want pressure to see any of them right now. I don't care if they're related or not- I don't want them in or around me after the baby is born. They have not been there for me this entire time. Why should I put on a show for them?
My mom mentioned coming over mid week as they are doing some errands in my neighborhood and sometimes pop by (her and my little sister, that is). I still don't want them over. I gave a 'maybe' as to how I'll be feeling that day as morning sickness is still my main excuse (true but not bad enough most days to not have them over). I've been alone for much of the past few weeks. DH works two jobs and has been getting more hours lately at his second job. So it's me- my projects for the baby- my pets- my house- and pure, hellish silence causing me to face my fears and feelings- occasionally drowning them out with the blare of the radio or television in the background. Too much time to think is scary so I often avoid it altogether by working on something that takes no brain effort to complete.
I've been forced to face the fact that we're not a 'normal' family. Even the three of us after our baby is born. They will never know my husband's family and I'm not sure they will ever meet any of them. There is only excitement from my parents on the new baby- and that is overshadowed by the fact they do not respect my boundaries or wishes in relation to my personal life. My privacy. I used to let them invade our home whenever at the drop of a hat- now I don't. So that's changed, too. My older sister is recovering from her surgery, her birthday coming up. I have no idea what to get her because I don't know her at all. Her only thoughts about me and my changing life are - it makes me (HER) feel old. My little sister inappropriately tries to butt into everything as usual and I really don't want her or my mom in my house until projects are done and the baby is here and they can do or say nothing upsetting about my progress- my cleaning or home in any way. When they come over I hardly sit down. I need to do that more and need more silence and privacy because I NEED to take care of myself lately. I've been having slight contractions and need to rest and keep my feet up. I feel awkward to do this around my family, especially my mom. I hate resting while they're over and feel I have to 'perform' every time they do so as not to be hurt again, not to be criticized. Don't look in my fridge. I know we need to go shopping. I know we need to do this or that or get maintenance to take a look at something but I do. not. have. time. and the time I DO have I spend feeling ill and having to put my feet up and deal with the emotions of feeling useless because I can't accomplish everything on my own. And boy am I on my own.
I'm saddened by a growing number of realizations since last month. Hubby urging me to not cut them out of my life entirely- urging me to have my parents visit us at the hospital. Of course I want this. Of course I do. But my heart is hardening towards them as much as it does towards anyone who has hurt me and wants back in my life. It makes me feel sick to think about. I'm turning the option of a shower down simply because I don't want to go over my parent's house- I don't want to perform for them or their friends. I don't want to see their friends who know so much about me and my baby without my consent that this information is even given out to these people. They don't know me. I'm not going to perform for a party where it will be a repeat of my bridal shower. The day I had to perform and clean up on my hands and knees after everyone had left. The day I had to shove down my feelings and sob about it later because it was awkward, miserable and disappointing. To be surrounded by people who only want the latest gossip. Who want to support my mother and her grandson. Not me. Not really me in any way. Leave me alone. Don't give my address out to these people- they already have it from guess-who! If they show up to see me or the baby unannounced I'll pretend I'm deaf and will not answer the door. This actor is out. I don't do shows on demand anymore.
I refuse to give into urges and requests just to appease someone. Whether that be my husband or my parents- his family or the busybodies. I want to move away but I can't even mention it lest my mother say she's moving with us. Or saying she can't move because she needs to be close to her grandbaby.
I have a hard time really reconciling those feelings within me towards my family. They act excited- they act like they love me. But they don't understand. They're not willing to see how much it hurts. I told them it hurts. I left it at that. They said they're sorry and now they want back in my life- as if everything can go back to normal? It makes me sick.
I'm tired of explaining or even admitting we won't be having a shower of any kind. That we have no one there for us right now. That my best friend is states away and can't be there for me- but she is still a better aunt and support than anyone in my family right now.
They've ruined so much for me. So much excitement that was mine alone. So much happiness. I don't want to see any of them and that's not changing anytime soon. I wish my husband would understand. I don't need or want pressure to see any of them right now. I don't care if they're related or not- I don't want them in or around me after the baby is born. They have not been there for me this entire time. Why should I put on a show for them?
Looking for support from DH IMO would be somewhat futile considering his background: He hasn't yet got his feet under him regarding his own stuff-although I'm sure he does mean well.
ReplyDelete"They've ruined so much for me" and Ms. G, that's all you need to know and honor. These are your "truths." These are your realities. These are what will inform your thinking and your choices and lead you in the direction that is genuine for you AND your family. You've tried repeatedly to "explain" to your FOO with no results: The dynamics work for them and they're not about to change fundamentally who and what they're about.
Ambivalence/Confusion/Hurt are normal responses when you start this journey. Clarity will come in time as you watch your FOO continue to engage in their typical antics with your new-found knowledge and awareness. I can assure you, they absolutely will validate your reality. Your MN "Mother" already sees your baby as a source of Supply, a possession/object she can use for her own edification. Considering how she treated you, I wouldn't allow her anywhere near a child: If she and the rest of your FOO are "unfit for human consumption" for adults, your child doesn't stand any more of a chance than you did.
TW
It's definitely been an eye-opener as of yesterday. I'll write a new post about what happened yesterday but I realized- wow- ok- gotta keep hubby in mind, too through all this. He has a tendency to be too nice and run right back to helping out people at his own cost. Without a relationship with his family, he's shifting that people-pleaser attitude over to my family. Something to be aware of. I called him out on it yesterday and will probably be doing so in the future as well. He doesn't know he's doing it until I make him take a step back and really look at a situation.
ReplyDelete