Headache after headache

A lot of you can probably identify in this post. It seems as an ACoN that there is just one long crap shoot after another to deal with :/ I know I've had my fill this year and it isn't even April yet!

My job (the one I'm sort of MIA from as I'm a work at home mom right now) is in the public eye (hah! right?). I love my job, what I do- acting and modeling here and there. I hate the baggage that comes with it. I often switch from my married name to my maiden name to avoid being traced by the N's as much as I can. Recently a photograph of mine on my personal acting site was stolen and used without my permission or consent by another casting website. Annoying, unnerving and upsetting- I'm tracking down a way to file for my claim to right of publicity since this has hurt my career. Publicity is everything and yet- it's hard to maintain that without the N's in my business all the time.

Sometimes I lie awake and wonder if this is it- our happy contact-free time when the three of us can enjoy being a family. Will we be looking back at this in years to come thinking how naive we were? Will we have this peace in our home again in the future?

Only ACoNs know how scary it is to be always on the run. From your past, from your present- even from your future if there are N's in it. We're the ones who are scared silly to make new friends or acquaintances- the ones who avoid social functions for years because we really don't want to meet a new N. Often shunned and hated for no reason (well- WE know the reason, N's are intimidated by us because we KNOW who they are). We feel alone.

And I'm tired. I know what it's like to feel this way and to hope that you can finally rest and have a g-damn drink. It's tiring to fight off the urges to escape, to look for a way out or to drink until you no longer feel the fear that they may be at your door.

In the animal world we are the mice that become the lions. They are no longer our predators. We are no longer helpless. Even in the fog from coming out of abuse, we know this. But the fear can be very real and it's still there. Ever-present. You're not alone.

Comments

  1. My NFOO pop up occasionally because I have what they want: my kids. Oh, they don't love the kids or anything--in fact, I went NC because they were continuing the same abuse they did with me. They simply refuse to be told "no", and so keep trying to push the boundaries. Stay strong and over time the NFOO run-bys will stop. --LuLoo

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