It starts young
In arguing with my husband, I've noticed a pattern. If he feels he is right, he can't let it go- he HAS to explain why and 'get me to see' why, which in turn- infuriates me because he can't just admit his logic was faulty. Over the littlest things. Not that our fights always get out of hand- but this is the mentality that usually escalates it. We both hate being wrong, but he cannot be wrong because then he feels threatened. (from my perspective anyway) Then I get upset because I shouldn't have to prove I have a right to my own opinion that happens to be different from his. Blah-de-blah and on we go until someone ends up crying- usually me.
That's what you get when you get two ACoN's living together under one roof- fear of being wrong, of being hurt because they're seen as 'wrong'. Two people afraid to have differing opinions because they might hurt the other, ugh. You see what I'm getting at? DH and I had a ridiculous argument about going to his company party because- get this- I didn't want to go but I wanted to go if it made him happy. He wanted to go but didn't want me to go if I wasn't going to be happy. So we ended up fighting over who was going to feel slightly selfish and have our way because neither really had a firm opinion (we ended up going). Life in our home is crazy, messed-up and often pretty amusing.
There are several Narc-isms that I can clearly see now in both of us, looking back at our upbringing(s). One that sticks out to both of us is religion- at least in my household growing up it was beat into me that I should have a fear of God. I was kept home from school - i.e. home schooled- so I wouldn't be worldly. Hah. Look at me now, little miss non-church-goer. I had Bible lessons five days a week, Bible was incorporated into every subject- all on top of Sunday school on the weekend and maybe church again Wednesday nights. I was churched-out before I even reached middle school!
Is it any wonder I'm sick of religion as a whole? My skin crawls. Often, I find many other ACoN's were raised either super conservatively or super religiously. Made to wear nothing showing the ankle, made to go to church and partake in other activities in the church where they were also exposed to emotional and mental abuse from elders misusing their positions of power to tell lies and essentially brainwash younger children. I've known people who were told they'd never get to heaven because someone told them they were going to hell because they were naughty once or twice. My own parents told me I would be a hooker because I wasn't all about Jesus and the Bible and didn't want to get baptized as a young teen.
There is a quote that goes, there is no bad man like a righteous bad man. I have to agree. It pains me to see so many children being told others are less-worthy of something because of their race, education, class or orientation. That they need to shun playing with children who are different than they are, whether they are Muslim or atheist. It starts young.
In having my own child, in seeing even a snippet of raw human nature in him- I have to say I've been leaning more and more towards the nurture vs. nature argument- favoring the nurture side. True- everyone is born to learn from mistakes and go against parental guidance. Sometimes kids are bad simply because they want to be. Narcs never grow out of that. Training a narc can start as early as training up an ACoN who will eventually leave the family fold. Some people who were terrible as children grow up to be fantastic people as adults- not saying that can't and doesn't happen- but for ACoN's who will become narcs and take the narc's place as they grow older- well..... these people soak up evil and badness that is instilled in them from knowing narcs personally. By words or example, they are the people who grow to love abusing others because they can, because they are raised in a culture where there is a hierarchy. Maybe that's why there are so many narcs in churches. Not only is it easy cover to look religious on the outside, but it provides the perfect victims who have been told what to think all their lives.
I'm making generalizations here, no- not all churches are like that. Not ALL Christians are bad, in fact some are pretty awesome. However, when you give a narc the reigns on something powerful like indoctrinating the young with certain beliefs, it is so much easier for narcs to hide among the righteous.
Just as I'm responsible for keeping predators away from my child, I feel also responsible for beating off the narcs with a big stick! In a way, part of me is glad for my upbringing because now I know what to look out for on the emotional manipulation and abuse-front.
All the best- pardon my ramblings!
That's what you get when you get two ACoN's living together under one roof- fear of being wrong, of being hurt because they're seen as 'wrong'. Two people afraid to have differing opinions because they might hurt the other, ugh. You see what I'm getting at? DH and I had a ridiculous argument about going to his company party because- get this- I didn't want to go but I wanted to go if it made him happy. He wanted to go but didn't want me to go if I wasn't going to be happy. So we ended up fighting over who was going to feel slightly selfish and have our way because neither really had a firm opinion (we ended up going). Life in our home is crazy, messed-up and often pretty amusing.
There are several Narc-isms that I can clearly see now in both of us, looking back at our upbringing(s). One that sticks out to both of us is religion- at least in my household growing up it was beat into me that I should have a fear of God. I was kept home from school - i.e. home schooled- so I wouldn't be worldly. Hah. Look at me now, little miss non-church-goer. I had Bible lessons five days a week, Bible was incorporated into every subject- all on top of Sunday school on the weekend and maybe church again Wednesday nights. I was churched-out before I even reached middle school!
Is it any wonder I'm sick of religion as a whole? My skin crawls. Often, I find many other ACoN's were raised either super conservatively or super religiously. Made to wear nothing showing the ankle, made to go to church and partake in other activities in the church where they were also exposed to emotional and mental abuse from elders misusing their positions of power to tell lies and essentially brainwash younger children. I've known people who were told they'd never get to heaven because someone told them they were going to hell because they were naughty once or twice. My own parents told me I would be a hooker because I wasn't all about Jesus and the Bible and didn't want to get baptized as a young teen.
There is a quote that goes, there is no bad man like a righteous bad man. I have to agree. It pains me to see so many children being told others are less-worthy of something because of their race, education, class or orientation. That they need to shun playing with children who are different than they are, whether they are Muslim or atheist. It starts young.
In having my own child, in seeing even a snippet of raw human nature in him- I have to say I've been leaning more and more towards the nurture vs. nature argument- favoring the nurture side. True- everyone is born to learn from mistakes and go against parental guidance. Sometimes kids are bad simply because they want to be. Narcs never grow out of that. Training a narc can start as early as training up an ACoN who will eventually leave the family fold. Some people who were terrible as children grow up to be fantastic people as adults- not saying that can't and doesn't happen- but for ACoN's who will become narcs and take the narc's place as they grow older- well..... these people soak up evil and badness that is instilled in them from knowing narcs personally. By words or example, they are the people who grow to love abusing others because they can, because they are raised in a culture where there is a hierarchy. Maybe that's why there are so many narcs in churches. Not only is it easy cover to look religious on the outside, but it provides the perfect victims who have been told what to think all their lives.
I'm making generalizations here, no- not all churches are like that. Not ALL Christians are bad, in fact some are pretty awesome. However, when you give a narc the reigns on something powerful like indoctrinating the young with certain beliefs, it is so much easier for narcs to hide among the righteous.
Just as I'm responsible for keeping predators away from my child, I feel also responsible for beating off the narcs with a big stick! In a way, part of me is glad for my upbringing because now I know what to look out for on the emotional manipulation and abuse-front.
All the best- pardon my ramblings!
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