Be careful whom you trust!

This post is more of a PSA to help out anyone new to the world of being an ACoN- maybe your eyes were just opened or maybe something really traumatic has just happened to you to cause you to question your life up to this point. We've all been there.

The pain can be staggering. In our hurt we find ourselves opening up to people, people we think we can trust- only to find out we cannot trust them and to be screwed over doubly when this person is a. uncaring or b. disloyal, sharing our pain and suffering as a way of getting attention for themselves or worse- tooting out the tune of your awful event to willing ears and wider mouths in the guise of a prayer chain, probably a prayer chain for you to forgive the person. Hah.

Ok- I'm gonna go there just briefly. I really, honestly believe some things are too great for mere mortals to forgive. Period. What the N's did to me is unforgivable. I don't plan on opening my heart to them enough to do the f-word. And yes, I am at peace and have found I can live a pretty decent life without offering up myself on a platter to these dogs. End rant.

I remember the days, weeks and months I wanted people to listen. Anyone to listen! When you're that hurt and hardly anyone knows it, because 'they're family' it's easy to open yourself up to less-than-loyal ears. Please, please be careful whom you trust. Dear broken reader, I cannot begin to describe the amount of pain blindly trusting people to listen to my heartache without judging did to me in those times.

I encourage you to first find helpful groups or circles in which to comment and talk to others who have gone through similar things- I know there are many websites and thankfully, Facebook pages, where you can go to connect with similar victims and share stories in safety. Emerging from broken, Luke 17:3 ministries- these are just a couple resources I have found that are safety nets for those new ACoNs emerging from the fog and darkness of lives lived in fear of the N's.

As a side note- this PSA is brought to you by my eye-rolling as I once again clear out my friend's list and remember WHY I don't talk to some people anymore. :P I have found a 'pray for you to forgive them' person, a 'I don't see what they did as wrong' person and then some. Click. Delete. Block.

Comments

  1. Tundra WomanFebruary 27, 2014 at 9:42 AM

    Luke Ministries, Anna V's "Narcissists Suck," Kathy K's "What Make Narcissists Tick" are oldies bit goodies and I found a lot of excellent info at those sites, especially when I first started this on-line journey. (We didn't have internet in this remote area for several years.)
    "Click. Delete. Block." Yep. Of course, then you'll be accused of being "close minded" etc. Here's a Bit-o-Reality: ACoNS come fully equipped with a lack of Boundaries-we were not "allowed" to have any and this was inculcated from our earliest memories/experiences. ACoNS have turned themselves inside out trying to figure out and then implement Boundaries with their CB Family members, only to find Boundaries are anathema to CBs. (Mine viewed them as "Targets of Opportunity.") A determined CB will destroy your most carefully constructed Boundaries-if for no other reason than they don't "do" Boundaries. The AC ends up feeling like they somehow "failed" with this Boundary thing because if they did them "right," their Boundaries will "work." (According to the books and unfortunately, many of the Pro's.) So, they try harder-over and over again. They become more frustrated yet, feel like even *more* of a failure etc.
    Which brings me to the whole concept of Open vs. Closed Minds: ACs, especially when they first stumble upon various sites, Blogs etc. are wide open to information, tactics/techniques for dealing with their CB Family Members. They really, really want to make these relationships work-somehow. They jump through all kinds of Boundary hoops, Communication techniques etc., they hope, pray, read, contemplate, struggle until...the only option left is NC. And grieve, Mon Dieu, they're grieving a most unnatural type of grief; the metaphorical death of someone(s) who is still walking this earth and very likely engaging in a Slime and Malign Campaign, Recruitment Campaigns, "I Don't Have Any Idea WHY!!" assertions etc.
    sigh. This will likely be a very lonely road initially.
    The ability to "Click. Delete. Block" IMO is a demonstration of Boundaries-In-Action. They're a statement of, "I matter. My (years) of experiences have informed my decisions. I'm very clear about where you end and I begin: This is my No-Fly Zone."
    The best possible outcome in disagreements among adults is a willingness to agree to disagree.
    We are *only* one half of any relationship-although I'm less than certain we're even that much in a CB relationship. That's the half *we* are responsible for, the effort, not the outcome. Again, in my experience, the ability to agree to disagree is never a consideration when dealing with CBs: In the oft-repeated (hissed or screamed) words of my CB "mother," "You're either WITH me or AGAINST me!" So much for compromise, eh?! ;)
    Thanks for your "PSA Announcement," Ms.G-and CONGRATULATIONS in standing firm in your resolve to live your life free from on-going harassment, finger-wagging and just.plain.disrespect-and a form of covert abuse.
    TW

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

TWENTY-ONE RULES OF NO CONTACT

*the below is an excerpt from, I  believe, Sister Renee Pittelli's works from Luke 17:3 ministries. As far as I can tell she is the origin of these rules specifically although I have seen many variations of them on different ACoN blogs and books. These rules I have found personally most helpful since the narcs in my life are my in laws and we do not live in the same town as them, making the P.O box an easy solution to our 'new address'* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 1. No talking to them no matter what happens and no matter what you hear. 2. No letting them talk to you, No listening to anything they say, No "hearing them out." 3. No letting them into your house and No going to their house. If it is possible to move, then move, get a P.O. box, and don't let them know when or where you're going. 4. No phone calls and No returning voicemail messages. Change your numbe
Read more

Just say 'no'

Really? Who knew standing up for myself would be so hard. After the last post I feel the need to write an update today. My older sister is out of surgery and all went well. After a guilt-ridden dream I had she passed away during the operation. I've been feeling hugely anxious/nervous and guilty all since I told my mom I wasn't sure I could watch my little sister overnight or have her as a house guest so both my parents could take off work to be there for my older sister this morning. I've been sleeping terribly with pregnancy-related issues and knew having my sister over would only add more stress to me, stress I couldn't handle due to the way I've been feeling lately. I knew I made the right choice in even bringing up this concern to my mom but can't help but feel extremely guilty this week as I went through with it. I feel they're mad at me. Maybe that's just me, maybe not. I haven't heard anything from my family except 'we'll manage'
Read more

How to deal with flying monkeys

Image
As I mentioned in my last post, N's are really schoolyard bullies with carefully crafted armies of henchmen... I prefer to call them what many ACoN's do... flying monkeys. The image really is universal as very few people have never in their life watched The Wizard of Oz. Most of us can identify the mental image of a lime green witch sending out her troops when Dorothy and her friends are on their quest. Much the same can be said for N's. As an ex-ACoN or ex-victim, you probably are in search of simple things- sanity, peace of mind, physical and mental safety. Many of us are on a quest to find such things for ourselves after the abuse from the N's. But, like Dorothy and her pals, there will be obstacles along the path the N's set to trip us up and make us fall right back into their grasp.  N's hardly ever work alone. Take a look at many N family dynamics and you will often find there is at least one enabler (if not a silent majority) that seeks to be the
Read more