How to let yourself off the hook for pretending(?)
This is the question of the day. Maybe older, more experienced ACoN's will know what I mean when I say that.
It's a secret to my personal life that I pretend a lot of feelings I don't have. Not so much anymore but USED to. When I was dealing with all the crap from the N's. Pretending things were okay was my defense mechanism to deal with utter chaos in my life. The out-of-control-ness that comes with being emotionally and mentally manipulated into believing you MUST live out someone else's version of your own life. Or else.
After some introspection I really think this is what lies between me and recovery from the manipulation. Total honesty. Forgiving myself, letting myself off the hook for going along with their game. Shoot- I didn't know better. I didn't know I COULD. But now that I do, it's hard. It's hard to look back on what should have been happy, momentous occasions in my life that I spent sobbing behind closed doors. To come to terms with the lost years.
I can't forgive them- but I can let myself off the hook, right? Any thoughts that have helped you with this are welcomed! How do you make peace with your former N-controlled self?
It's a secret to my personal life that I pretend a lot of feelings I don't have. Not so much anymore but USED to. When I was dealing with all the crap from the N's. Pretending things were okay was my defense mechanism to deal with utter chaos in my life. The out-of-control-ness that comes with being emotionally and mentally manipulated into believing you MUST live out someone else's version of your own life. Or else.
After some introspection I really think this is what lies between me and recovery from the manipulation. Total honesty. Forgiving myself, letting myself off the hook for going along with their game. Shoot- I didn't know better. I didn't know I COULD. But now that I do, it's hard. It's hard to look back on what should have been happy, momentous occasions in my life that I spent sobbing behind closed doors. To come to terms with the lost years.
I can't forgive them- but I can let myself off the hook, right? Any thoughts that have helped you with this are welcomed! How do you make peace with your former N-controlled self?
Ms. Gracie, IMO, you've nailed it. As children we are programmed to go along to get along in the Cult of Crazy of our ACON Family. The "wiring" that was installed growing up in The Cult of CB Crazy does require IMO we take it out and examine closely even.last.nanometer: ALL of our underlying assumptions about ourselves and our personal experiences and the resulting implications for creating and maintaining a Family of our own.
ReplyDeleteWhat a huge endeavor IMO! The courage it requires to do this can not be understated nor undervalued over the LONG TERM. Further, there are massive Grief/Loss Challenges within these experiences-how could there not be? *MUCH HAS BEEN LOST.* Grief includes all of those 5 Stages of Kubler-Ross' paradigm but *not necessarily in that order* nor does it mean we will never go back and re-examine/re-experiece those losses ever again-far from it: As we grow through each Stage of Life our lens "widens" even more, so in that respect Grief is never "done." There will IMO always remain vestiges of our experiences/feelings as we confront other losses (physical and metaphorical) through out our lives. Will it feel as intense, as overwhelming as our initial confrontation? In my experience, NO.
Total honesty with yourself and the intense introspection required to come to terms with "what happened" or may still be happening is the key-FWIW, I whole-heartedly agree. "Coming to Terms With My CBFOO" means Acceptance, which is how it works out for ME. No, I have *not* "Forgiven" Psychob. However, that apparently means I'm "bitter" (?!) and don't comprehend we "Forgive for ourselves, not them" which sounds like a buncha PC/Feel Good/"Self-Help" blather, but hey, this is just my take and experience. Somehow this whole "Forgiveness" stuff for Adults who were the recipients of ABUSE as Kids/Adults towards their Perpetrators creates so much uncertainty, so much *more* pain and confusion than necessary or even desirable. IMO this smacks of Blaming the Victim for "not doing it the RIGHT way" which I guess is the Facebook/Chicken Soup of (faux) Feel Good etc. and not so subtly exposes the self-sanctified moral/ethical high ground of the Pontificator. ;)
I'm off the hook for being a kid. I'm off the hook for being ignorant-in the dictionary sense of the word. I'm off the hook for feeling as I do and did subsequent to my NFOO. When I refer to Psychob, my "mother" as "Evil," when I refer to the "a" word," Abuse" I'm using again the dictionary definitions. I'm not hurling invectives (from the comfort of my couch, my home, the world I've created in which I participate-and has given me great joy as well as sorrow) but speaking my own Truth. A CBFOO Legacy isn't pretty. Life will not be tied up into some neat bow as we experience our very real finiteness and looming mortality. The only "Hook" was the one jammed into my psyche from my first breath. It'll only remain there if I collude in playing in the CBFOO-lishnss sandbox or allow myself the self-indulgent luxury of spending years Intellectualizing/Analyzing ie, contemplating my navel ;) while *nothing* including ME actually takes concrete steps in the material world to engage in the type of ass-blistering honesty and personal responsibility to confront REALITY and ACT on it.
And it sounds like that's exactly what you're doing, Ms. G.
And Happy Thanksgiving to you, DH and your little one-The first of many peaceful, enjoyable holidays to come!
TW