The second half of healing

Do you have a best friend? One of those friends that you know everything about and someone who knows everything about you? Someone to call you out and build you up? I do. And I'm so glad I do.

My best friend is my cheerleader, she knows when to take me down a peg and when to build me up. She knows everything about everything I write about and is often the voice of reason in my head when I can't hear myself think. She's been through a lot. Okay- more than a lot- a TON of crap in her life both previously and currently.

They say diamonds come from a great amount of pressure- well whoever 'they' is- they're not wrong. She is one of the best people I know.

Today we were talking about healing- I bemoaned to her that I was sick and tired of hearing the R-word (reconciliation). I've come to the point in my life where I can choose to be happy as I am now, or choose to do what so many Christian friends and family urge me to do in their best Christianese- reconcile. 'I'll be praying for reconciliation' or 'they'll come around eventually' or 'after the grandkids come....' and I'm sick of it. Sick of hearing about it. Sick of swallowing my pride enough to accept these prayers on MY behalf, like my own faith or mind isn't good enough- isn't to be trusted that maybe- just maybe- I know what's best for me. So I slap on a smile and say thanks.... but- fill in the blank. I just don't see them ever coming around.

Now my friend is a Christian but she never, ever comes off as an asshole. That I greatly appreciate. She said something today that opened my eyes to what I was missing. The missing puzzle piece to connect all I've written about up to this point and the second half of my journey 'through the fog' to healing. Complete healing.

The truth is I'll never be free from the N's while one of us is on this earth.

I've made progress and got to the halfway mark- I've secured my life in all practical terms. No contact does that. They don't know where I live they can't just pop in at any moment. But they CAN just pop in.

I'm talking about my mind. See? There's the second part of healing. The one I'm just starting.

I'm not yet at the point where I don't allow them into my thoughts and time. I'm still angry. I'm still hurt. I will never forgive them for what they did. BUT- whenever they pop into my head I CAN 'forgive' them for simply being horrible people and shut that little door in my mind they're lurking behind with no further thought.

Some things never change. As seen in my last post. NFIL is very much angry and embittered and will never miss a shot at his son, me or our son if given the chance. They won't change. They never will. There is genuine evil in some people that doesn't die.

I've made it so that they can't get to me physically but emotionally? Not so much.

So that's the second half of healing for me. I see that now. To be able to swiftly close the 'door' to those emotions and time spent frustrating over them. To truly pass over these people as worthless of my time and mental effort. To mentally say 'I forgive you for being YOU (aka)complete and utter assholes' and close the door to my feelings and move on with my life. That's different than being okay with what happened. I'm still sad I don't have in laws. But that's the way my life is going to be. I have to be okay in that.

Here's to the second half of healing. It's been a long time in coming.

Comments

  1. Ohhh, Ms. G, it must be so frustrating (I'd be furious, but that's me) to hear others talk about "Reconciliation." One does not reconcile with N's-ever. In the N's world, "Reconciliation" translates into, "Bend over for it-AGAIN." As long as you are willing to continue to sacrifice your self-respect, your morals/values/ethics and pretend to be who and what you are not, you may be "worthy" of being "Reconciled WITH!" (And that's still a "maybe.")
    IMO, Forgiveness with Ns is not possible as Anna V so clearly points out in her Blog, "Narcissists Suck." She also is writing from a Christian POV as well as a secular perspective. "Forgiveness" was never even on my radar, frankly, and I was quite concerned about what this said about me when I first came across ACoN Blogs. It seems "Forgiveness" is analogous to "Acceptance" and yes, that I had done. What a challenge that was (facing reality head-on) and ultimately led me to the only option I had left-NC.
    In thinking about why "Forgiveness" had never occurred to me, or why I never grappled with this concept the way so many other ACs appeared to, there was one thought I kept circling back to: Would I forgive a snake for being a snake? Or any predator for being exactly that? No, of course not. That's *just who and what they are.*
    (So maybe I wasn't morally bankrupt after all ;) )
    You're doing your Grief Work, Ms. G. and accepting what is, rather than fighting reality. FWIW, you're not only fortunate to have such a friend, she's also fortunate to have you. I have a best friend with whom I've shared my life and her's with me for decades now. We use to laugh and say we'd be little old ladies together rocking in our rocking chairs. Well, here we are..and no, this aging thing was not what we expected at all! But we've seen one another through so many, many ahhh.."adventures" over these years, so many of them...We are confronting our finiteness head on, but not alone. I recognize and honor how fortunate I have been and how grateful I am for all of it, this tapestry of life, this gift of enduring friendship/"sisterhood."
    To the "Second Half of Healing!" (clink our decaff ice tea glasses/coffee etc.) Here's to you, Ms. G, DH and your Little One.
    So many adventures await you and your family: Memories are being made as we "speak." The warp and weft of your life is written in each of these experiences, in even the most mundane aspect of everyday life.
    TW
    TW

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