Tit for tat
Most abusers (even psychological and emotional abusers) won’t change and the proof of that is when they would rather abandon the relationship then treat you with respect and equal value. When they change YOU will be the first to know. They will want to work on the relationship. This is a very hard truth to look at when it comes to family. -Darlene Ouimet
Tit for tat or feeding into the frenzy cycle is what I call this behavior. Some people assume treat others how you want to be treated is an accurate and fair way to deal with unfair circumstances and abuse from N's.
"My husband's mother treats me like a bitch, so I decided to be mean back to her. She starts it. If she didn't act this way, I wouldn't- blah-de-blah."
I've heard this only a few times in the in law cycle of crazy making. I think most people are too beaten down and afraid to react to their abusive family in this way, however for some animosity breeds contempt- and retaliation with equally childish behavior. Not only is this unwisely feeding into the N's ego by responding to abuse, it's also damaging to you and how you perceive yourself. Solving the in law problem does not mean giving them back the hell they gave you or are still giving you!
I'm not saying there aren't times for legal retribution- in fact for some cases of in law abuse I think it's totally understandable for some people to demand legal action upon their unruly and dangerous families. I'm just saying tit for tat- little arguments and petty behaviors- that's so not the way to deal with drama. N's like it. They respond well to it. And ... you're only giving them fuel they will use to burn you at the stake.
In dealing with those with narcissistic personality disorder I believe it's important to live above reproach- but also live within reason. Yes they can pull out no contact against you, yes they can 'show others' you are a terrible person for cutting them out of your life. But within reason- sometimes this must be done. Living within reason but above reproach. Cutting ties to remain respectful and not hurl insults is one the reasons I did so. The fact is, I'd be scared to see any of them again because in all my nightmares they are in I have no qualms about yelling and screaming and physically harming them. I'm afraid of myself and what I would do to them. I know the anger inside me would be dangerous if I let just a hint of it show.
Tit for tat is a dangerous game. It's a dangerous response and an unwise one in dealing with truly abusive family. It's a game that is all too easy to let go of once you realize the truth- part of which is stated in the quote on the top of this post. If they change, you'll know. The proof is in the actions. I am not sorry they are not in my life. I am sorry they chose to not be in it. I don't miss what never was. Their actions and lack of words dictate their unrepentant attitudes.
And above all, you might not care what others think so much when you realize how little they actually think about you! It's important to live above reproach, live within reason (no contact is perfectly viable for most) and stop thinking about what others think or how they view YOU. Unless they have seen the abuse they are looking at it through a clouded mirror of their own judgement and lack of true empathy for the abused. Taking advice from someone who simply doesn't 'get it' should be done at your own risk. Let common sense and gut-reaction be your guide to boundaries- not what susie-so-and-so thinks according to her own relationship with perfect family.
Tit for tat or feeding into the frenzy cycle is what I call this behavior. Some people assume treat others how you want to be treated is an accurate and fair way to deal with unfair circumstances and abuse from N's.
"My husband's mother treats me like a bitch, so I decided to be mean back to her. She starts it. If she didn't act this way, I wouldn't- blah-de-blah."
I've heard this only a few times in the in law cycle of crazy making. I think most people are too beaten down and afraid to react to their abusive family in this way, however for some animosity breeds contempt- and retaliation with equally childish behavior. Not only is this unwisely feeding into the N's ego by responding to abuse, it's also damaging to you and how you perceive yourself. Solving the in law problem does not mean giving them back the hell they gave you or are still giving you!
I'm not saying there aren't times for legal retribution- in fact for some cases of in law abuse I think it's totally understandable for some people to demand legal action upon their unruly and dangerous families. I'm just saying tit for tat- little arguments and petty behaviors- that's so not the way to deal with drama. N's like it. They respond well to it. And ... you're only giving them fuel they will use to burn you at the stake.
In dealing with those with narcissistic personality disorder I believe it's important to live above reproach- but also live within reason. Yes they can pull out no contact against you, yes they can 'show others' you are a terrible person for cutting them out of your life. But within reason- sometimes this must be done. Living within reason but above reproach. Cutting ties to remain respectful and not hurl insults is one the reasons I did so. The fact is, I'd be scared to see any of them again because in all my nightmares they are in I have no qualms about yelling and screaming and physically harming them. I'm afraid of myself and what I would do to them. I know the anger inside me would be dangerous if I let just a hint of it show.
Tit for tat is a dangerous game. It's a dangerous response and an unwise one in dealing with truly abusive family. It's a game that is all too easy to let go of once you realize the truth- part of which is stated in the quote on the top of this post. If they change, you'll know. The proof is in the actions. I am not sorry they are not in my life. I am sorry they chose to not be in it. I don't miss what never was. Their actions and lack of words dictate their unrepentant attitudes.
And above all, you might not care what others think so much when you realize how little they actually think about you! It's important to live above reproach, live within reason (no contact is perfectly viable for most) and stop thinking about what others think or how they view YOU. Unless they have seen the abuse they are looking at it through a clouded mirror of their own judgement and lack of true empathy for the abused. Taking advice from someone who simply doesn't 'get it' should be done at your own risk. Let common sense and gut-reaction be your guide to boundaries- not what susie-so-and-so thinks according to her own relationship with perfect family.
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