Losses, Love and Disappointments
"I think making mistakes is as inevitable as receiving disappointments."
Time for another confession. Along with many abuse survivors (and thrivers!) I have a hard time being openly upset or experiencing any other negative emotion in the presence of others. I feel it's time I shared why or even a little insight into how this has happened for me. (No worries, I'll be going back to write part 2 of living with no contact- practical rules to follow and hopefully some discussion with you all about what's worked and what hasn't worked in your experience.)
I want to touch on something that happened yesterday. So far DH and I have kept the gender a secret, except for telling my best friend (baby's adopted aunt). We finally told my immediate family the secret after a week or so of keeping it entirely to ourselves, with express concern for them not to tell anyone outside the immediate family for now as we weren't sure we wanted to reveal the gender to anyone else before the baby was born. After all, DH's family barely knows I'm pregnant- much less the due date or the gender of the baby. It'd just be more complicated to keep to ourselves if others knew who were not close to us( you never know how small the world is until a secret is out!). I'm a highly private person. I like to keep things under wraps, especially with others I do not know personally.
I really thought they knew better. Yesterday I found out my mom had expressly told her friends who told their busybody families the news- along with my older sister expressed no concern over my desire to keep it quiet after finding out herself. She 'reassured' me she would not post it on Facebook but that she had no intention of keeping the news from others as she'd already told others (whom I am unaware but I know she has so far). Another disappointment. Another let down.
I was really upset yesterday into today and still am. It was private information. I feel betrayed that my family has already told people who do not know me, going against our wishes as a couple and our joy at being able to surprise others with the birth announcement the old fashioned way. I told my mom it upset me. She burst into tears. And I resumed my role per usual. Comforting, telling her to stop crying, laughing it off that my mascara wasn't waterproof and I didn't want to cry as well. Saying it was okay. Maybe it was for the best. Not to worry about it. I got home and dissolved into angry tears in front of my husband. Another milestone for us ruined by others. Similarly our engagement was so secret as the grape vine heard fast and spread the news around Facebook before I even got to log in myself after the event happened. Before I even got to tell my father and the rest of the family. Horrors. But we live in a world of overshare- where personal boundaries and personal information really do not mean anything in the scheme of who has the biggest scoop- who can get the most 'shares' or 'likes' by posting other's news and excitement first- even before asking the person if it is okay to post such a thing.
I'm sick of playing the peacemaker. I asked my mom today to do damage control and make sure the busybodies know NOT to share it with others, although by now I'm sure they already have. I feel like I'm living in a fishbowl with this pregnancy. Debating on ditching a traditional shower idea entirely for something non-traditional DH and I would like to do for our friends. Maybe asking for diapers or gift cards in lieu of no shower to avoid the busybodies and having our closest friends over for a non-gift giving cookout or something casual for fun. Bring a gift or don't bring a gift- we'd just like to get together one last time before oru family becomes three.
Being honest with my mom about how that made me feel was big for me. It's a fault of mine to apologize for being upset when it upsets other people. I hate how that's my reaction to everything majorly disappointing in my life.
To heap insult to injury, I've felt this way with my family for the past few years. DH and I lived an hour away from them until this past fall. It was nice. Close but not too close. We moved to be closer to my husband's work which put us within a half hour of my parent's home. We rely on them for use of a washer/drier since we can't afford one just yet. I frequently go over to help my mom out or to do laundry, trips that are getting consistently tiring emotionally as well as physically hauling dirty laundry (metaphorical dirty laundry as well) back and forth all the time. I feel vulnerable. I feel like a kid. I fight inside me with listening to their good advice and weeding out when it's simply unhelpful. I long to have our little home fully functional so I don't have to see them if I choose not to.
I haven't lived in this area since I was just 15. I was born here. I loved it here. Then my grandma passed away after an eight year fight with Alzheimer's (the only grandparent I ever really knew) and my life changed dramatically. We moved to another city far away. I spent the rest of my horrible years in high school there. Unaccepted, the constant new girl, the freak who was good at school. After my little sister was adopted when I was 12 my parents kind of backed out of my life. My childhood ended when my grandma passed away. I was just weeks shy of turning 15- a big birthday in Hispanic households- when my world came crashing down. I remember my mom receiving the phone call from hospice telling her her mother, my grandma, had only weeks to live at most after battling pneumonia with an already-dementia weakened body. My little sister wasn't even 3. My older sister was useless. My dad ran back and forth in supporting my mom at the hospice and being there for us kids. I held my mother as she cried, telling her it would be ok. My heart was dead inside. I had to step up and take care of my little sister, the house, cooking cleaning and everything. I wasn't even told when my grandmother passed. I overheard it from my dad as he rushed out the door again leaving us home alone to go be with my mother. I had to clean house before all the others, uncles, grandma's boyfriend I disliked, came crowding into our home later expecting a meal and a place to simply sit and stare. I ran outside on that January day. Clouds racing. Wind howling. With my dog alone to keep me company. I gave my mom a thumb's up sign from where she was looking out at me from an upstairs window. To let her know I was alright. To make her feel better. I wasn't allowed to cry. I wouldn't allow myself to cry in front of those people. My grandma was the closest thing I had to a mom. When she died I felt as though my world had ended.
And so we moved. Within months. My sophomore year through senior year I spent vainly trying to fit into the homeschool cliques around us. I was self-taught. Since my grandmother died my mom had backed out of my life along with my dad. My older sister was off away at her first year at university. My little sister was taking up all my mom's time and energy. I feel the state would be surprised to know I self-educated myself through high school. I taught myself. I graded myself. I had no help. I took the yearly exams by myself and sent the results in. Always passing. Always 'legal'. No one knew I had no instruction from adults. I had no life. My parents ceased to be in mine. I painfully fell into the wrong crowd. Seeking attention, seeking acceptance. I met an older guy I thought was the one. He took advantage of me and raped me. My parents never found out. He was in my life for years before I finally cut him out of it at the age of 18.
My freshman year we moved back to my home town. I went directly away to college an hour or two away from home. Fast forward to my post-grad life right now. I went away. I was changed. I have grown as a person. I fell in love and got married. My life here in my old home town is on display. My mother being friends with other moms she knows, my awkwardness at turning down invites by people who knew me when I was 14 but have little in common with anymore. Those are the people who were never there for me. Who now know about my pregnancy and the details of my life. The details that are so precious to me as they are the best things to happen to me in my life thus far. I don't want them in it. I can't connect that 14 yr old me to the 23 year old me who is a very different girl indeed. Sometimes I feel I need to move away, far far away from my family to start over. To be the mom and wife and person I want to be. To have little to no interference from people who have really had no impact on my life since I was a young teenager.
I have been self-raised. Self-made. While these home town acquaintances have remained utterly the same. Not going to college, not going anywhere but simply staying in their parent's home hoping and praying mister right comes to marry them when they have never had a boyfriend. I assume this is why so many of these people take an interest in my life. To them I am successful. I am interesting I guess. I have a career, a husband and a soon-to-be-child. What else can a conservatively-raised girl ask for???
I am very blessed. To be alive. To be living the life I have now. To be loved and cherished by a very good man whom I want my son to be like. I am nothing like that person I was. I wish others would accept that.
I have had many many disappointments. I am trying to learn to be upset, to be saddened by these happenings. To kick my family out of my personal affairs when I feel they do not have my best interests at heart. To cherish the small and little wonders of becoming a parent. So far my family has really made that hard for me. I remained angry at my parents for a long while after my wedding. They abandoned me. I should have seen it coming in the way they raised me. But still. I hoped. I hoped they would be there for me that day. I had hoped so much. But they let me down. I remember setting everything up myself and holding back tears, screaming in my fiance's car out in the parking lot before I had to scramble into my wedding gown with no help from anyone. To sit in the waiting room and wait. To be forgotten about when it was time to walk me down the aisle. I wish I was kidding but I'm not. I was upset by this. I never told them. To them our wedding was wonderful- why? Because they enjoyed it. I haven't had the heart to bring up just how that made me feel on my day. I am still unable to attend weddings or even watch them on television because of the sadness that creeps up inside me at the memory of my own. But I got a wonderful man out of the whole deal so I try to forget that day in its entirety!
I never dealt with my emotions about my engagement and wedding. Until yesterday when it all lumped together in a great ball of tears inside my heart. I am upset so much has been ruined for us. I am sad this is likely to be our only child due to my health issues. I want that to be special. The only way I can see this happening is if hubby and I do not tell a soul we are having the baby and wait until we are good and ready to announce it to the world. To regain lost time and ground by cherishing the moments we have yet to come alone- without outside interference. To become closer together, experiencing life for the first time without the unwanted attention of my family or his.
My best friend told me last night that now that the news is out about the gender, to milk it for all it's worth and have a huge shower for even the busybodies knocking at the door. To write thank you's since we could really use the money and gifts right now and hope to never see them again. That or, like another friend suggested, ask for diapers only or things that will save us a lot of money the first year. We're still looking at our options. DH and I are reminding ourselves this time around to do what we WANT to do. To invite those we want to invite so as not to repeat the horrors of our wedding/engagement.
To all those who want a piece of me and my life right now. Bug off. Please. It's not you it's me. (well, actually it's you too!) I want to enjoy this time in my life without feeling awkward by having to make small talk and entertain people who don't really know me. Get a life. Stop mooching off mine. I hope someday you'll have triumphs to share with the world as well, and for you, I genuinely hope no one ruins the moment for you as you have done for me.
I'm a mom now. My first and foremost responsibility is to protect my son, and right now that means my privacy to simply be pregnant without being criticized. Pardon me while I wave me 'get out of jail free' card because I'm pregnant and vote for a quiet and joyful last trimester. You are not invited.
(edit: this is probably the most open I've ever been on here. Blogging is incredibly therapeutic. I can't say how much better I feel after letting all this out of my head and heart and onto this page!)
Hi Grace, I felt something was not quite ok with what your parents were doing from what I've read before and now I can see why. I feel for you, I wish there would have been someone there for you, to protect you, to not let you assume the role of a caretaker when you were the one that should have been taken care of. I luckily still have my grandmother, she played a hugely important role in my childhood ( I am so thankful she was there for me and my brothers, she was a safe and caring haven). I think you're on the right track but I know it can be very difficult and it is really sad to realise there was no one there when you needed it most. Maybe it would be a good idea to move away from where you are right now eventually, so you can start a new life that's fit for you without all the burdens of the 'old life' literally around. You're a very strong person and you had to be, you had no other choice, that's why it is difficult to let it go and be upset. You have the right to be upset, you don't have to take care of the feelings of others. I know you'll get there and I'm sure you will surround yourself with people who will support you on your journey. Wishing you all the best and a big hug :-). J.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for commenting, J. I'm really glad I've reached a place in my life where I can put my thoughts to paper. My counselor pointed out they weren't there for me years ago when I went to see him over the in law issues I was going through. It's taken me so long to wade through this and reach a conclusion in my mind. After all, every family is a little dysfunctional. They are by no means the N's and as far as I can tell aren't abusive in any way. Besides not being there. I love them and so does DH- they're really the only family we have left in the world at all at this point. Which probably makes it all that much harder to take a step back and re-evaluate what they taught me. I'm still glad of being raised that way, it's made me able to navigate on my own through the N's lies and abuse. I'd never wish that on my son though. With two parents from messed up families, it's no wonder DH and I want to redefine how we're going to parent our kid together.
ReplyDeleteIt's a dream of mine to move far away! We're hoping to in the next few years if possible. This will also put us beyond a day's drive from the N's which will be comforting for us both. I'd love to start over somewhere where no one knows me. A place where the weather is pretty fine, too and I can have the garden I always wanted. :)
Looking forward today. I'll be seeing a lot of my family this week so keep me in your prayers/thoughts if you think of it. My sister is having a surgery this Thursday and I will once again slip into the role of responsible daughter holding the family together and main caretaker of my youngest sister. :/ Praying I don't lose my mind.
There's just so much in this Post, Little One. Yk, it's so natural to seek our parent's love and approval as we're growing up and kids will do about *anything* to achieve the unconditional love of their parent(s) or avoid the loss of such. You were the "good kid," the one they "didn't have to worry about." That should never have translated into, "Or the one we never have to consider/acknowledge." Neglect comes in many forms.
ReplyDeleteGracie, let's try this for a min., OK? Let's say you *are* living a day's drive away: Would you be taking care of your sister after her surgery? Let's say you have your own child to attend to-and you will shortly-would you be sister's care taker? Is your mother disabled? Can she not take care of her own home? Where would you be doing your laundry? Who would you associate with? Would you make new friends? Try to think about how would your life be different on a daily basis if you were geographically distant and what steps you would take to make a life in your new location.
And start implementing a few of those into your daily life. If you continue to be the "Dutiful Daughter" without closely examining the cost to you as you grow and change, you'll continue to squirm in a "too tight" suit. As you're defining yourself, you have people around you who are vested in keeping you in their definition of who you are and worse yet, in a "way back" definition of what it means to be Gracie. Only YOU get to define YOU: If you chose to "slip into the role of responsible daughter holding the family together" that's your choice. But you can "resign" from this (thankless) position when ever you get ready. I do get how hard it is to lose the illusion of "Family" yet you, DH and your child ARE your Family.
It's very seductive to a child to be the parent's "good girl/boy." We feel "special," like one of the "grown-ups." Actually, parentifying a child expropriates from them something that can never be restored: Their childhood. Further, the Boundaries are either an inconsistent mish-mash or non-existant. The roles and rules in these families are inflexible, un-accommodating and not conducive to personal individuation.
The "geographical cure" may help, sure. But it might also make for a longer commute ;)
TW
Thanks for your comment.
ReplyDelete"As you're defining yourself, you have people around you who are vested in keeping you in their definition of who you are and worse yet, in a "way back" definition of what it means to be Gracie. "
this is so true and really so valuable to remember. Maybe I'll feel differently about the need to move in a year or so, when we're a little more on our feet. Dh and I already gave up dreams for a washer that were beyond our means and are now just looking for a feasible solution (cheaper one, etc) to get the job done and make us that much more independent from my family. A lot of the lines are blurry. I'm so so thankful I'm re-evaluating my life now, before our baby arrives. Learning to just say no in the meantime. I want to back out of hosting my little sister if I am able to- simply because I'm pregnant and have been under a lot of pressure lately and sleep is elusive. I know I need to say 'no' a LOT more than I do and not feel guilty about it. Especially in those circles where I feel nothing but obligation to see or be around certain people.
Thanks so much for you comment, as always. It really helps me think proactively and helps me put into perspective what I need to do to accomplish peace.
Dear Gracie,
ReplyDeleteWow, thanks for letting us know some more pieces of the puzzle. God bless you!
Remember, you + your husband + your son are a family and you need to put'the
needs of that family first!