Actions speak louder than words
One of my readers brought up a good point in a comment and I thought to address it here as well.
What do you do when people try to blame their actions on their feelings- on their feelings towards you or other things in their life? 'He/she made me do this', etc.
I see this again and again in dealing with narcissists. They are NEVER responsible for what they do. Ever. I recently watched a Dr. Phil show where a mother played every card in the N-book. me me me here's the link to anyone interested. It did make for good food for thought!
It's so interesting to me to see the cards played out time and time again when people are hiding the truth of who they are or what they've done. Listening through this drama of daughters and their ( I believe) N-mother, I heard so many familiar trends I know my own in laws have used.
Of course I'm sorry for how they FEEL- I wish I could make it better-
I do not remember doing or saying that
A general inability to take responsibility for their own actions and to actually APOLOGIZE in a way that is acceptable. Without blaming her daughters, without criticizing 'well, I WOULD have come over but YOU- fill in the blank' or 'I would have seen you on such and such date but it was COURT ORDERED' not, I missed you or I wanted to see you- just 'where were you when I expected blah-de-blah'. Classic dodging of any and all responsibility as well as direct questions as to what really happened leading up to the obvious rift in the family relationships.
To me, it's clear that people like this are NOT capable of correctly identifying the wrongs they have committed against someone else. They are unable to own up to their mistakes when they made them, even years after the fact.
I do think it's important to recognize this as more than just a flaw in the person's character. It is a serious problem that needs to be addressed. Their lack of empathy- their willingness to merely throw their hands up and say 'I don't know what you expect of me' because it has clearly never crossed their mind that they need to make it right in some way. That they alone have the ability to do so.
This thinking is NOT normal. Unless these people have a serious mental disability that prevents them from functioning (N's do not have this excuse!)- they are responsible for their actions and no one else.
Growing up my mother always made sure I saw this as wrong. My siblings or I would get in trouble for saying 'she MADE me do it', etc when it came to even petty arguments. I always knew intrinsically that unless my sister had taken my hand and slapper her across the face with it- it was MY responsibility that I did so. I had control over my actions and was punished accordingly. To me, it's the biggest annoyance and cop-out for someone to say 'they made me do it' they made me get this angry to the point I couldn't think- etc. I realize there are genuinely people with anger issues and other things, but again firmly believe it's their responsibility to say 'hey I am aware I have these issues' and to step away from a situation before they get out of control. It's common sense.
Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.- Proverbs 28:13
For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil.- 2 Corinthians 5:10
For each will have to bear his own load.- Galatians 6:5
For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.- 2 Timothy 1:7
For we hear that some among you walk in idleness, not busy at work, but busybodies. Now such persons we command and encourage in the Lord Jesus Christ to do their work quietly and to earn their own living. As for you, brothers, do not grow weary in doing good. If anyone does not obey what we say in this letter, take note of that person, and have nothing to do with him, that he may be ashamed. Do not regard him as an enemy, but warn him as a brother. ... 2 Thessalonians 3:11-18
A fool's mouth is his ruin, and his lips are a snare to his soul.- Proverbs 18:7
Actions speak louder than words. But sometimes- a fool's words can speak all on their own as well. I believe the Bible is clear on this topic. If you're not religious, bear with me- there are a lot of truths to be found in the Bible even if you don't believe in God. I believe the Bible has a lot to say on how to live your life, a lot of great advice for how to be at peace with others and how one should behave even if you don't agree with the gospel. This is just my personal belief and what has helped me in finding truths to life's tough questions.
In these verses, we see that we MUST be accountable for our actions. Even if one does not understand or know any better- they are still held accountable for their actions of abuse or vindictiveness towards others. Bad deeds or words will not go unpunished. Neither will good deeds go unrewarded.
We have no excuse. Neither do N's. Each of us must live by the consequences of our actions. Of the traps we might lay before us with foolish actions or words. So next time you hear 'they made me do it' stop and think again! Let that little red sign go up in your head that tells you 'this person may be about to launch into full-on crazy-making mode!' and get out!
Nothing annoys me more than those who do evil and claim they do not know what they did was wrong or how to make it better. This is one of the marks of a very sick person! No excuses, no excuses. It's time we started calling a lie a lie and being an advocate for truth. After all, a silent enabler is an abuser as well.
What do you do when people try to blame their actions on their feelings- on their feelings towards you or other things in their life? 'He/she made me do this', etc.
I see this again and again in dealing with narcissists. They are NEVER responsible for what they do. Ever. I recently watched a Dr. Phil show where a mother played every card in the N-book. me me me here's the link to anyone interested. It did make for good food for thought!
It's so interesting to me to see the cards played out time and time again when people are hiding the truth of who they are or what they've done. Listening through this drama of daughters and their ( I believe) N-mother, I heard so many familiar trends I know my own in laws have used.
Of course I'm sorry for how they FEEL- I wish I could make it better-
I do not remember doing or saying that
A general inability to take responsibility for their own actions and to actually APOLOGIZE in a way that is acceptable. Without blaming her daughters, without criticizing 'well, I WOULD have come over but YOU- fill in the blank' or 'I would have seen you on such and such date but it was COURT ORDERED' not, I missed you or I wanted to see you- just 'where were you when I expected blah-de-blah'. Classic dodging of any and all responsibility as well as direct questions as to what really happened leading up to the obvious rift in the family relationships.
To me, it's clear that people like this are NOT capable of correctly identifying the wrongs they have committed against someone else. They are unable to own up to their mistakes when they made them, even years after the fact.
I do think it's important to recognize this as more than just a flaw in the person's character. It is a serious problem that needs to be addressed. Their lack of empathy- their willingness to merely throw their hands up and say 'I don't know what you expect of me' because it has clearly never crossed their mind that they need to make it right in some way. That they alone have the ability to do so.
This thinking is NOT normal. Unless these people have a serious mental disability that prevents them from functioning (N's do not have this excuse!)- they are responsible for their actions and no one else.
Growing up my mother always made sure I saw this as wrong. My siblings or I would get in trouble for saying 'she MADE me do it', etc when it came to even petty arguments. I always knew intrinsically that unless my sister had taken my hand and slapper her across the face with it- it was MY responsibility that I did so. I had control over my actions and was punished accordingly. To me, it's the biggest annoyance and cop-out for someone to say 'they made me do it' they made me get this angry to the point I couldn't think- etc. I realize there are genuinely people with anger issues and other things, but again firmly believe it's their responsibility to say 'hey I am aware I have these issues' and to step away from a situation before they get out of control. It's common sense.
Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.- Proverbs 28:13
For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil.- 2 Corinthians 5:10
For each will have to bear his own load.- Galatians 6:5
For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.- 2 Timothy 1:7
For we hear that some among you walk in idleness, not busy at work, but busybodies. Now such persons we command and encourage in the Lord Jesus Christ to do their work quietly and to earn their own living. As for you, brothers, do not grow weary in doing good. If anyone does not obey what we say in this letter, take note of that person, and have nothing to do with him, that he may be ashamed. Do not regard him as an enemy, but warn him as a brother. ... 2 Thessalonians 3:11-18
A fool's mouth is his ruin, and his lips are a snare to his soul.- Proverbs 18:7
Actions speak louder than words. But sometimes- a fool's words can speak all on their own as well. I believe the Bible is clear on this topic. If you're not religious, bear with me- there are a lot of truths to be found in the Bible even if you don't believe in God. I believe the Bible has a lot to say on how to live your life, a lot of great advice for how to be at peace with others and how one should behave even if you don't agree with the gospel. This is just my personal belief and what has helped me in finding truths to life's tough questions.
In these verses, we see that we MUST be accountable for our actions. Even if one does not understand or know any better- they are still held accountable for their actions of abuse or vindictiveness towards others. Bad deeds or words will not go unpunished. Neither will good deeds go unrewarded.
We have no excuse. Neither do N's. Each of us must live by the consequences of our actions. Of the traps we might lay before us with foolish actions or words. So next time you hear 'they made me do it' stop and think again! Let that little red sign go up in your head that tells you 'this person may be about to launch into full-on crazy-making mode!' and get out!
Nothing annoys me more than those who do evil and claim they do not know what they did was wrong or how to make it better. This is one of the marks of a very sick person! No excuses, no excuses. It's time we started calling a lie a lie and being an advocate for truth. After all, a silent enabler is an abuser as well.
Gracie,
ReplyDeleteGreat post and GREAT quotes from the Bible too. I come from a mixed religious family since my mom's side is ethnically Jewish. But, my mom accepted Christ of her own accord when she was very young and I was raised in Christianity. Any of my disenchantment with "religion" in the past has come from the behavior of some people who claim to be religious, pious, and God-loving, but who act in ways the Bible doesn't support and clearly speaks against. I too find comfort in the word of the Bible as well as some of the rabbinical interpretation of the old testament. I also find comfort in prayer. My favorite book/chapter in the Bible is 1st Corinthians Chapter 13. It is the standard that I measure myself against, though I admit I fall short. I also measure myself against some of the guidelines set forth in the Buddhist philosophy, but in the end, the Bible "wins" as the ultimate authority on life's matters.
(Had to break this in to two posts)
ReplyDeleteAt one point during college I became quite disenchanted with organized religion and left it completely. Then later in my twenties, I decided to figure out who/what God was and feel his presence in my life for myself. That was a good experience because I developed my own one-to-one relationship with the divine and learned how to pray about things in a way that provided comfort. But, my achilles heal, so to speak is, I have a really, REALLY hard time following some of the guidelines set forth in 1st Corinthians 13 when it comes to my in-laws. I do not think loving thoughts toward them and I feel the anger rising in my heart when I think fo my MIL. There is a Matthew West song called "Forgiveness" that came out recently and I have been using it to pray. To me, forgiveness does not mean that I let someone back into my life or ever speak with them again. It means that I reach a place where I can let then anger go, realize in some way or another they "know not what they do", and then allow myself to move on. This seems like a very freeing experience. I am not comfortable with feeling anger, bitterness, or resentment. Those types of feelings personally feel like a slow poison to me. The feelings I personally feel comfortable with are thoughts of loving others as God lives them, feeling joy about even the smallest things in life, and thinking thoughts that allow me to find ways to help and reach out to others in the community. Sometimes it feels like the anger I feel is a type of chain that keeps me in emotional bondage and I wish I knew how to let go. This is where I personally also have to turn to the word of the Bible and then subsequently turn to prayer. If you have any suggestions on how to use the Bible to let the anger go, would love to hear your thoughts. Because the truth is, I do not like myself when I feel bitterness and anger. It feels very foreign to me and somehow painful. I want so much to get back to that loving mind-set I had prior to getting married. I feel like a huge part of me was stolen. Gracie, from where I sit, many years later and more than one child later, I will give you the advice that please do what you need to do in your heart not to be effected by anger that might come toward your in-laws in the future. Write about it (just as you do), keep no contact, protect yourself and your children. Finally, the irony of my own situation is that for pretty much my entire marriage, I attempted to live the standard set out in 1st Corinthians 13. I still live it, EXCEPT toward my in-laws. I never thought I would say it, but the verse that says, "Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails" has steered me in the wrong direction. Apparently following the suggestions in 1st Corinthians 13 is not the correct way to deal with narcissists because, when dealing with a narcissist, you should not protect them, you should not have hope for change, and most of all, you should not persevere in trying to have a solid relationship with them because it will never exist. Doing all of those things will only serve to allow the narcissist to further harm you in a myriad of ways. So, this is something I have struggled with in terms of trying to do the right thing according to what God would want me to do.
Thanks so much for your heartfelt response and advice. I am most certainly planning on taking that road myself! I completely agree with you that it probably won't change although my reactions to them might. I hope to write something about that today as well.
ReplyDeleteThere's toxic anger and then there's righteous anger- I myself am still struggling with what is 'good' anger and what is not and letting go of the bitterness if/when I can. :/ I'm still learning too and am not entirely sure what to do with the bad feelings. It's really hard to confront someone actually ill-intended with the love God speaks of so much in scripture. It's of my mind that I just don't possess that love for them right now. So I ask God to love them and show me the love for them as it certainly doesn't come from me. So far I've also been scared of my feelings of hatred and how I cannot feel anything but hate towards them. It's not me, it's not healthy( to some degree) but it IS normal. It's important to give yourself a break once in a while and just let not okay be okay since you can't fix it overnight. Thanks so much for sharing, it really helps me too! :) Love!
Gracie,
ReplyDeleteHere is something that just occurred to me in terms of both of our in-laws. So, a question: have you ever felt like your in-laws never liked you from the first second they met you? And have you ever felt like the dislike they feel is NOT truly based on your outward physical appearance or your actions? (Although in their minds, they will blame the dislike on things that you 'allegedly' did or perhaps on how you look. The reason I say this is because I was engaged to a guy before I met my husband and his mom blamed her dislike of me on her physical appearance. By the way, he broke it off with me well before I met my husband. And that guy broke it off because of his mom).
So, here is the thing-- I think there is something much deeper going on. Some people refer to it as the 'vibe' someone throws off, or their aura, their energy, or just something about that person that just rubs someone wrong. But, I would like to name this thing. I call the thing a person's core self or essence. Now, I am not trying to talk myself up-- I have many faults. But, the one thing I do daily is pray and I do it several times a day. I meditate as well. I pray and meditate because I have many faults and want to do better.
Still, I have always felt that I lived on a different "plane"of existence than many people. (Not literally, but mentally). What I mean by that is, I go throughout the day attempting to keep my thinking focused on spirituality, on love, and on gratitude. Even when I was young, I did not get involved in the same thinking or actions of other girls around me. I did not gossip about other girls, tear them down, steal their boyfriends, or seethe with jealousy. I did not make friends based on wealth, beauty, status, or any other outward symbols. During high school, I befriended all the kids that were bullied or maligned. I do not watch violent films and disconnected my cable long ago. (Yes, I still watch all the current movies and TV-- I just screen the garbage out). People have never been able to influence me through the use of money or promised prestige. I do not care if people think I am pretty or not (except for my husband). This mental outlook I have is in absolute opposition to the mental attitude of my in-laws. It has occurred to me occasionally that what they are reacting so strongly to is my core self. I do not attempt to make them feel uncomfortable and have always been very kind to them. For the longest time, I was even kind internally toward them and said prayers for them. My mom says that just by me being me, it is a very strong rebuke to them. It is like oil trying to mix with water and the more you try to mix them, the more the mixing bowl itself become agitated.
So, the the thing I wonder is if your in-laws might be reacting to your essence in the same way. I can see through your posts that you must have a very vibrant kind of energy and that you let your light shine. THIS IS A GOOD THING. Yet, for those living in darkness, this type of energy literally infuriates them. Even though the light is literally just 'being' the light, it destroys darkness. even though the light is benign and life-giving. Perhaps this is at the root of your situation-- the light has met the dark. If that is the case, then there is no negotiating a relationship with your in-laws. Light and dark cannot co-exist and oil and water do not mix.
PS- That is an absolutely darling avatar that you put on the blog to represent yourself. Did someone draw or paint it?
ReplyDeleteLeah,
ReplyDeleteYou make a really good point here! Something I've been thinking of before I reply, too. I found it takes a lot of thought to navigate the waters left by the N's after they have left your life- mainly because they lie every time they breathe so I have a hard time separating the truth from their words and actions.
thanks for the compliments :) I do think we are a lot alike, we grew up similarly in how we made friends and such. Thankful I always had parents encouraging me in that area! I grew up without a lot of stigmas and gender rules, didn't wear makeup til I was 16 and then some. It was just so liberating to be a girl and have fun and not worry about my hair and clothes. I feel it's so different now! It's made me who I am today in that I can honestly say I don't give a crap what other people think. My husband does being raised in such a family- but it's a good quality I do have that I hope rubs off on him so he's able to let things roll off his back easier.
Thinking back to my first meeting with the in laws.... I thought they liked me. Weird, I know. There was always something I couldn't put my finger on when I was with them, something I felt was off deep inside me. Looking back I see now that they never felt quite 'human'. All of them were the most perfect automatic machines that resembled human beings you can think of. They said they liked me, NMIL said numerous times (so did NFIL) that 'it's unanimous- we all like you'. Which I thought was weird. I mean- up til that point people either liked me and SHOWED it- or didn't and showed it as well. Very few people I've ever met, especially not to close acquaintances ever said outright 'we like you'. They showed it. They demonstrated they found me valuable and wanted to spend time with me. Does that make sense? It's something that still sticks out to me as odd. Sure I've had people say 'I like you' before- but never so often or so pointedly as the N's did. Their verbalization made up for any pretense of relationship they presumed to have with me.
I do think their hatred of me was founded when they found out I was unmovable and could not be swayed to give into their demands with all the drama that ensued surrounding ANBIL and his train wreck wedding. DH has told me that when his older bro and BSIL got serious she had an all out fight with his mom over something. He never knew what but said they had a big argument. I now think that is because they are both narcissistic bitches and selfish as all get-out haha.
The N's confuse me. Do they hate independent people altogether? OR just me since I refused to give into them? Do they believe their own lies? Or do they live each day fully knowing they must keep lying to be perfect to outsiders?
You are right in saying we'll never mix. I've always refused to give into bratty people and as long as that remains, we can't get along. I do think it's something deeper like you mentioned! For the life of me I can't figure out why everything was so explosive when I did literally nothing and say nothing to be contrary at all. Like you said, I was just 'me'.
I do believe something good ultimately infuriates the evil in the lives of those living the lies of being N's. It's true the two will never mix!
P.S. Thanks :) I can't for the life of me remember where I found it- it was in some artist renderings for a french designer I believe. I really liked the colors!
Lots of love
-Grace <3
Hello Gracie,
ReplyDeleteAs for why your in-laws don't like you... I am going to guess it is because they can neither fool you nor control you. Many N's absolutely need others around them to believe the lies that the N's have spun about themselves. That is, even if an N is a horrible person and there is plenty of evidence to support they are horrible, an N cannot support the idea that they are horrible and so they create stories about themselves so they can accept themselves. They depend on those around them to believe the wonderful self-affirming stories they have spun about themselves. The N's cannot fathom that anything is wrong with them and if someone comes around that might serve as a mirror of sorts that shows the N what he or she is really about, then the N freaks out. I am guessing that you saw through to the real "them" and this was a tremendous threat to them because this could cause their internal house of cards to come crashing down. The other reason I am guessing they don't like you is because they cannot control you. I recall in one of your posts that you mentioned the ILs had prepared their home with bedrooms for the grown kids in the hopes the grown kids would return. I would guess that they could tell you were not going to play the enmeshment game with them. This is also a huge threat to them because they will feel like they lost a son. Ns do not want to see their adult children individuate. You are likely showing your husband that he is allowed to have his own identity and thoughts separate from the family. This creates a tremendous insecurity in them since they depend upon their son to "tow the family line" and do as they say. What you are doing is HEALTHY but in their world it is not healthy. Well, that is my two cents.
It is truly exhausting!
How is your pregnancy coming along? All is well I hope :-) You are going to LOVE LOVE LOVE being a mom. I have done some pretty cool things in my life including a lot of world travel to interesting places. But, there is nothing that compares to being a mom. It is hands down the best thing that has ever happened in my life.
Love,
Leah
aw thanks :) I'm super excited! Pregnancy is going well- I'm having a rough time of it but that's just me- I knew it wouldn't be easy to carry full term- thankfully the baby is healthy and growing as it should and I'm close to the last trimester already (next month- yipee!)
DeleteI agree with what you said! I couldn't have said it better. It's because of exactly the reasons you mentioned I feel we can never have a relationship with them. They would have to deny everything they stand for to be in our lives and I know that's not going to happen. Far too much pride and far too little love for their son to make up for what they will lose if they want him back. I find it so ironic how so many N's will say their adult child was brainwashed into leaving them or abandoning the family- I feel very few normal adults will take this seriously unless they themselves have estranged family members in this way. Bottom line- adult kids just don't abandon or leave their family when they are loving and caring individuals. IMO something always happens to make them turn away and it's really hard to cover up those kinds of lies after they leave. But the N's try- oh boy do they try! The truth will out, right? Part of me hopes that all lies have to be uncovered at some point or other. You can't keep buried crap from smelling forever- pretty soon someone will smell something and realize it's a cover up!
Right on to everything you said!!
ReplyDeleteSounds like with his parents everything is about possessing others as well as
appearances. BTW, there was this film I had to watch for one of my classes. It was
called "Ordinary People" and it is about the psychological breakdown of a teenage
son after his brother drowns during a sailing outing. As the film progresses, the
audience learns that this teenage son comes from a wealthy and coldly dysfunctional
family and that his breakdown was the last straw (instead of the first bad event).
The mother's character in that film really struck me because she was cold, neurotic,
always keeping a clean house and being impeccably dressed. But, she seemed perfect
to those living on the outside. Her character was summarized in a scene where she
hired a professional photographer to take yet "another loving family portrait". That
scene had a powerful impact because it showed that any 'love' in their family was
simply staged when an audience (like a photographer) was present. But, the reality of
the family was completely different. One got the impression that living in that family
was like living in a place where one was being slowly starved to death (emotionally
speaking) while everyone smiled and pretended everything was great. In these families
the ONLY thing that counts is the image that is projected to the world. As long as the
world believes the fantasy, then everything is "fine".
I am guessing your husband might come from such a family as this. Well,
their image of perfection is going to be completely shaken up when
others outside the family realize these "perfect new grandparents" will not
have access to their grand child.
I like this a lot! You're right. I hope our continued actions only show some light into the situation that they aren't all they crank themselves up to be.
DeleteEverything is posed- everyone stupid enough to believe it- to them that is what happiness is: blissful ignorance of other's feelings and emotions to save face for the elders. Selfishness in the flesh.