Lessons Learned In Life


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Giving Yourself Permission

There is a common theme I see and have noticed in myself over the years. The need for permission! I feel so many readers come here or peruse other ACoN blogs to get the validation they need to let go. Deep down we're all damaged little kids at heart. We're all used to having authority figures telling us what to do and what not to do, so when it comes to something taboo (cutting out one's family) we seek validation our feelings are legitimate before doing what needs to be done for our own emotional and mental (even physical) health. I'm guilty of this as well. Fact is, some of us get non-apologies from our narcs. This only leads to more confusion and guilt as we are supposed to 'play by the rules' and 'forgive' what often can't be forgiven. In the case of non-apologies, I like to refer to this post by my dear friend Sister Renee   http://www.luke173ministries.org/466803 Ultimately- what STARTS the whole moving forward process for ACoNs, is the pe...
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I smell BS

Don't ya just love how N's phrase things? It's amazing how sweet and nice and considerate they sound. Even to themselves I suppose. Candy-coated poison. I was reminiscing about all the ways they tried to lure me in or lure me back or lure hubby back even when we had contact, albeit limited contact. NMIL told DH over the phone she wanted to make things better with me and apologize. Sounded sweet as can be. He agreed it'd be a good idea. Didn't tell me anything about this conversation. Lo and behold when WEEKS later I get an unexpected email in my inbox that must have taken less than a minute to type with her talons and send out officially. No apology whatsoever but 'I am sorry our relationship is not such that you would want us there to celebrate with you' on your bla-de-bla. Mind you, this wasn't even my birthday- they don't remember when THAT is- God forbid. I debated all of five minutes before deleting it and taking steps to delete HER account ...
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How to deal with flying monkeys

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As I mentioned in my last post, N's are really schoolyard bullies with carefully crafted armies of henchmen... I prefer to call them what many ACoN's do... flying monkeys. The image really is universal as very few people have never in their life watched The Wizard of Oz. Most of us can identify the mental image of a lime green witch sending out her troops when Dorothy and her friends are on their quest. Much the same can be said for N's. As an ex-ACoN or ex-victim, you probably are in search of simple things- sanity, peace of mind, physical and mental safety. Many of us are on a quest to find such things for ourselves after the abuse from the N's. But, like Dorothy and her pals, there will be obstacles along the path the N's set to trip us up and make us fall right back into their grasp.  N's hardly ever work alone. Take a look at many N family dynamics and you will often find there is at least one enabler (if not a silent majority) that seeks to be the...
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