I smell BS
Don't ya just love how N's phrase things? It's amazing how sweet and nice and considerate they sound. Even to themselves I suppose. Candy-coated poison.
I was reminiscing about all the ways they tried to lure me in or lure me back or lure hubby back even when we had contact, albeit limited contact.
NMIL told DH over the phone she wanted to make things better with me and apologize. Sounded sweet as can be. He agreed it'd be a good idea. Didn't tell me anything about this conversation. Lo and behold when WEEKS later I get an unexpected email in my inbox that must have taken less than a minute to type with her talons and send out officially. No apology whatsoever but 'I am sorry our relationship is not such that you would want us there to celebrate with you' on your bla-de-bla. Mind you, this wasn't even my birthday- they don't remember when THAT is- God forbid. I debated all of five minutes before deleting it and taking steps to delete HER account from being able to contact me. My first and only non-apology.
We have heard several times of their wish to 'celebrate with us'.
What a load of bull.
First, it was to do with control over DH's birthday to 'celebrate with him' that turned into a week-long ordeal taking me away from home much longer than intended in an attempt to control us both. To keep me there against my will and DH's better judgement.
Secondly they warned us 'not to elope' because they wanted to (you guessed it) 'celebrate with us'. Or if we eloped to be sure to have THEM there. This was the main reason I didn't want to elope because for months DH said he couldn't do this without his parents attending. And then- what's the point of eloping anyway?!
Next there were the bridal showers I couldn't attend due to university schedules and the fact it happened AFTER the abuse from them. Hell no, I wasn't about to go walking back into that hell hole to stay for weeks at a time AGAIN. I learned my lesson.
Next was the reception NMIL wanted us to have in DH's hometown so I could 'wear my dress again' and they could throw us the wedding THEY wanted. I remained noncommittal on this since I wasn't sure how it was going to turn out but it didn't happen. They didn't want to celebrate with us. I know that now.
They glared through the wedding, showed up almost late, were the only people not to give their son anything for his big day and generally make fools of themselves by showing just how UNHAPPY they were the entire time. Celebrate? REALLY?! That's what they said.
Needless to say I wasn't fooled by the only words DH scanned from the letter from his parents after they found out we were expecting, they wanted to know our address to 'send us gifts'. Oh hell no! What would they send us- another trust fund so they can control our baby's finances?! Old used things that are meant to hurt them? Stock that's worth nothing? N leftovers from their extravagant lifestyles?
You better believe that was another excuse to send us nothing or to send us something IN PERSON instead. It's just their way.
No wonder I smell a bunch of bull crap when I hear things like we want to do this or that including the words 'gifts' or 'celebrate'- LOL. We all know that's not going to happen in this lifetime. Seriously NIL's cut the crap- everyone here knows you are old, selfish, lying, miserable, evil bastards who don't give a damn about your son. Fancy words can't hide a lying tongue. Promises of good actions can't overshadow common sense that dictates it will never happen.
I was reminiscing about all the ways they tried to lure me in or lure me back or lure hubby back even when we had contact, albeit limited contact.
NMIL told DH over the phone she wanted to make things better with me and apologize. Sounded sweet as can be. He agreed it'd be a good idea. Didn't tell me anything about this conversation. Lo and behold when WEEKS later I get an unexpected email in my inbox that must have taken less than a minute to type with her talons and send out officially. No apology whatsoever but 'I am sorry our relationship is not such that you would want us there to celebrate with you' on your bla-de-bla. Mind you, this wasn't even my birthday- they don't remember when THAT is- God forbid. I debated all of five minutes before deleting it and taking steps to delete HER account from being able to contact me. My first and only non-apology.
We have heard several times of their wish to 'celebrate with us'.
What a load of bull.
First, it was to do with control over DH's birthday to 'celebrate with him' that turned into a week-long ordeal taking me away from home much longer than intended in an attempt to control us both. To keep me there against my will and DH's better judgement.
Secondly they warned us 'not to elope' because they wanted to (you guessed it) 'celebrate with us'. Or if we eloped to be sure to have THEM there. This was the main reason I didn't want to elope because for months DH said he couldn't do this without his parents attending. And then- what's the point of eloping anyway?!
Next there were the bridal showers I couldn't attend due to university schedules and the fact it happened AFTER the abuse from them. Hell no, I wasn't about to go walking back into that hell hole to stay for weeks at a time AGAIN. I learned my lesson.
Next was the reception NMIL wanted us to have in DH's hometown so I could 'wear my dress again' and they could throw us the wedding THEY wanted. I remained noncommittal on this since I wasn't sure how it was going to turn out but it didn't happen. They didn't want to celebrate with us. I know that now.
They glared through the wedding, showed up almost late, were the only people not to give their son anything for his big day and generally make fools of themselves by showing just how UNHAPPY they were the entire time. Celebrate? REALLY?! That's what they said.
Needless to say I wasn't fooled by the only words DH scanned from the letter from his parents after they found out we were expecting, they wanted to know our address to 'send us gifts'. Oh hell no! What would they send us- another trust fund so they can control our baby's finances?! Old used things that are meant to hurt them? Stock that's worth nothing? N leftovers from their extravagant lifestyles?
You better believe that was another excuse to send us nothing or to send us something IN PERSON instead. It's just their way.
No wonder I smell a bunch of bull crap when I hear things like we want to do this or that including the words 'gifts' or 'celebrate'- LOL. We all know that's not going to happen in this lifetime. Seriously NIL's cut the crap- everyone here knows you are old, selfish, lying, miserable, evil bastards who don't give a damn about your son. Fancy words can't hide a lying tongue. Promises of good actions can't overshadow common sense that dictates it will never happen.
I had completely forgotten that my MIL had also insisted on the "second" wedding reception until you wrote about it here. I remember how mad I was at the time because the two receptions would have been only a couple of hours drive apart. So, people would have chose, the real reception, or the one MIL wanted to through in her home town. So, most of DH's family would've went to that one. I felt like it would've detracted hugely from our real wedding. PLUS, she wanted me to share it with BIL and SIL (a bitchy narc, herself). This was going to be the reception she was willing to chip in on. She wanted to be able to invite all her friends and church, control the guest list completely. She really pushed it, saying we'd 'get more presents' and I could "wear my dress again." Blech.
ReplyDeletelol as if that's some sort of incentive to go, right?! To me, it was just plain offensive. You don't tell your future DIL you want to plan a second reception- it's really rude and like saying 'your wedding plans aren't good enough for ME'. I think it's all about them wanting control and to look good to their own circle of friends. Not really about being generous or a good parent at all.
Delete(Part 1-- had to break this post up because it exceeded character limit)
ReplyDeleteHey Gracie,
Have a "funny" TRUE story for you that will serve to solidify your view not to take baby gifts from NILs.
You are seriously going to laugh when you read this because, once again, the stuff my NMIL does, is so bizarre that even seasoned Hollywood script-writers would not be able to come up with this sh**. Seriously.
Now, keep in mind this occurred well before I knew my own MIL was actually a full-blown sadistic NMIL. So, when I was 4 months preggers with my first son, DH came to me, looking a little frazzled, asking whether or not we had received a package that day from his mother.
I looked outside the door, and yes, there was a package that I hadn't ordered on the front porch. DH grabbed it, asked me to open it immediately, and then call his mom to thank her. He ushered me into the guest room and helped me open a large box, while he mumbled something under his breath about his mom having tracked the package via UPS every hour that day, and then how angry she was that we did not call the very moment that the package arrived.
Part 2:
ReplyDeleteWe opened it and it was full of some very cute, brand-new baby clothing. As I lovingly folded each piece, I told my husband she should not have spent this much money on clothes but that it was extremely generous.
He nervously said, "Can you please just call her now and thank her?"
My response was, "Well, of course, but I think I should really send a nice thank you card to your mom as well. This kind of gift warrants much more than just a thank you over the phone."
He responded, "Well, I don't think she really needs a card. I just want you to call her now. The longer you wait, the more angry she will get."
Okay, so I picked up the phone, thanked her profusely, talked about how nice each piece of clothing was, thanked her some more, listened to her go on about how she has the best "taste" in clothing, and reassured her that she had "the best taste in clothing" after she started yelling "dont I?" .."well, don't I?!" for the fifth time. So, I told her over and over again, that yes, she had the best taste in clothing on the planet and no one knew better than she did.
After I got off the phone, it still felt like I had not thanked her enough. There was some kind of lingering tension in the air and I wanted it to go away. So, I told DH I was going to go to the store and buy a beautiful card at Hallmark and send her a gracious hand-written letter/card. DH told me that it was not necessary, but I assured him this was how I was raised by my parents and I was just doing what I considered to be the right thing.
So, went to Hallmark, bought a beautiful, large Thank You card. Then hand-wrote a gracious message inside the card, thanking MIL profusely again. Dropped it in the mail the next day and figured I had done the gracious thing. Told DH card was in the mail. He said that his mom would be pleased that I did that and he looked a little relieved.
Part 3:
ReplyDeleteOkay, in NORMALS-ville, that would have been the end of it. But, it was not because in NW (narcissist world), everything is upside down. I had yet to learn this.
So here is what happened:
Two days later, DH returns from a long day at work looking frazzled and glum. Immediately hugged him, welcomed him home, asked him about his day, sat him down for his home-cooked meal. (Have always loved to cook large gourmet meals and have also always loved to be in the "caretaker" role. As one of my mentors once said-- this type of caretaker personality style can be great as long as that 'caretaker' marries into the right family. Believe this is one if the reasons DH married me. Though I loved my high powered corporate job, when I got home, I wanted to be a traditional wife. Please don't gag!)
So, DH sits down and I ask what it bothering him. He announces that his mom was calling him all day at work to complain about my behavior. I was taken aback.
I said, "What did I do?"
Then, he looked very embarrassed and shook his head. He cringed and said, "She is really angry about the Thank You card that you mailed. You really offended her this time"
My jaw dropped to the floor. I said, "Huh?! I don't understand what I did! I guess I should have had you read it before I sent it! I am sorry I didn't let you read it..." Then, I started to explain to him in detail what the card looked like and what I said in the card.
DH literally winced and tightened his shoulders. Then he said, "I already saw the card."
Now I was even more confused. I said,"But I never showed you the card..." He interrupted me and said, "Well, my mom was so offended by the card that she scanned both the card you sent and the envelope that you sent it in..."
I was getting really pissed off at this point. My DH continued, "Then she emailed me the scanned images at my work email...and then she called me throughout the day every few minutes to tell me how rude you are and how offended she is by your behavior."
Okay, at that point I was ready to cry and was really confused. I could not for the life of me figure out what I had done wrong to literally make my mother in law this angry. In my world, when someone sends a beautiful Thank You card with a gracious message, this is an act that pleases the other person. But, apparently, this Thank You card made MIL want to come after me with a vengeance.
Part 4: Yippee there is still MORE to this story!!
ReplyDeleteI pleaded to DH, "I really do not understand. What did I do wrong?? This wasn't my inent...":
Then, he interrupted me again and said, "There were two things that really offended her..."
I was puzzled and flabbergasted.
But, DH looked embarrassed, ashamed, confused and angry all at the same time. Then DH continued, "The first thing that got to her was the envelope..."
I interrupted, "What? I sent a really beautiful envelope with a gold seal and nice stamps..."
DH winced again and said, "No, it was not that.... it's just that she is angry that when you addressed the envelope, you addressed the envelope to both her and my dad."
I said, "I don't understand. Wasn't the gift from both your mom and your dad?"
DH said, "Yes and No. While it's true that my father has been the only income earner in our family my whole life and asked her to pick out the clothes, technically the clothes were from her."
I continued, "I don't get it. All I did was address the envelope to both your dad and mom because they are married and live in the same house and always get the mail together. I thought that was the gracious thing to do." I was getting really ticked off again.
My husband said, "I know...I know. But my mom is very particular and she feels that if you include my dad on the envelope that it somehow takes something away in terms of thanking her."
I felt horrible at that point and did not know what to say. I was trying to do mental acrobatics to understand MIL's viewpoint. I was trying to understand why putting FIL's first name on the outside of the envelope was such a problem. Finally I said, "Okay, what else did I supposedly do?"
DH looked serious and somber and said, "The contents of the card that you wrote really offended her. She did not like how you greeted her." I
Again, I simply repeated, "I don't understand."
Then DH said that according to his mom, I should have used the opening sentence, "My dearest MIL..." DH said that because I did not do this she took incredible offense and felt insulted.
I had opened the card with, "Hello MIL's (name)" and then continued with a cheerful and gracious message, mentioning our recent conversation, how great it was to talk to her, and again thanking her for the baby clothes.
DH related that MIL claimed that I was too cheery and not serious enough in the way that I thanked her. I was ready to cry at this point. (Writing this now, I see how sick it all is and also how humorous it is in a gallows sort of way. But then, at 4 months pregnant with first child and second guessing myself all of the time, I felt awful).
I finally pleaded, "Okay, you read the card. You saw it. Was it really offensive?"
DH said, "No, it was a lovely card and any other person would have been happy to receive it. I guess all we can do is realize this is one of my mom's buttons and just do something different in the future."
I said, "Of course! You know in my heart I truly want to be part of your family and make sure MIL feels like a part of ours."
DH hugged me and just said to try to forget about it and move on. He reassured me that he would 'deal with his mom' and that things would settle down soon.
So, that is my baby clothes story. We are over ten years in to our marriage now and things have not settled down. The story above was only a very minute tip of a Titanic-sized iceberg that was yet to come.
So, Gracie, you are a wise woman NOT to accept baby gifts or any other gifts. The emotional price that is attached to gifts from NMILs and NFILs is far greater than any human being is able to pay while still maintaining his or her sanity.
DON'T....LOOK....IN....THE...BOX!!!
Oh gosh. lol I did laugh, you were right. ;) Good grief, that's crazy! Reading this I was nodding and saying 'yeah I would do that, too' to much of it. The N's don't take thank you cards- don't acknowledge receiving them or saying thank you to others at all in this way. I was always used to thanking the person in person or via phone and then sending a card as well growing up. My parents do the same thing! *still* do the same thing and were offended when the NIL's didn't respond to my mom's thoughtful thank you for having us card after they met up. Why they do this, I do not know. I guess they're just nit-picky about everything. Any excuse to hate you, you know? Thanks for sharing! :)
DeleteThis story reminds me of how my MIL was sending me old coats and then checked with DH if I had received the package and then be all insulted I didn't personally thank her for her giving me these huge/ugly/moulded/men's coats I didn't need in the first place. I'm so happy I didn't. I also reminds me of the NBIL who offerd me a broken cell phone to replace my own perfectly fine cell phone, because he considered his old broken cell phone as 'better' than mine. Is this crazy or what. My jaw also dropped one time when we had invited the NBIL for dinner and he brought a frayed scarf with holes in it for DH to wear. Seriously, what's wrong with these people?
DeleteLOL- I've heard of this before. For some reasons narcs are fantastic at giving old, dirty or even unsanitary things as gifts! D: My NIL's are indian givers- will let you 'loan' their decrepit furniture that should go to goodwill only on the condition you will personally bring it all back to them.
DeleteI've heard of people being gifted opened food packages, obviously tampered with chocolate boxes, etc. Yuck!
For some more laughs-- here is a REAL story of one of the things that was offered by MIL one time. Once again, none of this is made up or embellished. Frankly, I wouldn't even know how to come up with stuff that is this off the wall. (Okay, this one is my personal favorites in terms of sh** no normal person would ever think of let alone think of "gifting" to another person. Brace yourself...)
DeleteVery early in my marriage, MIL bought some knick knacks that had been handed down. Nothing special. Then, she says she is going to offer me something very special that her own sister made by hand and spent many hours making. Okay, so I am thinking... a handmade doily with lace...? a cross-stitched kitchen towel with roosters on it...? perhaps a knitted scarf or hat? Nope, nope and nope. So, MIL hands me this little knitted donkey that is a grayish color and is stuffed with cotton balls as a filler. The little donkey is only big enough to fit in the palm of one's hand and it is wearing a plastic saddle with the word "home" on it. She handed it to me and the conversation went like this:
MIL: (Excited) This is a very gorgeous and special thing that my sister makes. Can you believe it? She is so good!
Me: (attempting to genuinely be polite) Oh, that is really cute. So how does she make these?
MIL: Well, you would not believe how smart my sister is. She has a dog and cat. She loves her dog and cat. You know sometimes she brushes their hair a lot and collects the fur. She is so good because she is able to make it into a yarn!
Me: (Attempting to be sincere) Really? Tell me more about that.
MIL: I don't know how she does it but she makes this special yarn out of her dog and cat's fur and then she makes these little animals. So beautiful! Isn't my sister wonderful?
Me: (In disbelief but still trying to be sincere) Wow, I did not know that was possible. Well, thank you for giving me this.
MIL: You be sure to keep it somewhere special. This is a very important gift you know...
****
So, that happened probably the first year of my marriage and I put the donkey away with some other knick knacks. I was cleaning out a 'catch all' cabinet last night and found that donkey that I hadn't seen in many years. Last night, I brought it over to DH. Here is how that conversation went:
Me: By the way, have you ever seen this?
DH: No...
Me: Did you know that your mom gave this to me years ago and she said it was special because her sister made it?
DH: (Looking at donkey in a puzzled manner) Ok... and?
Me: Well, did you know that your mom said that her sister made it out of the brushed fur from her own cat and dog?
DH: (Looking puzzled and slightly embarrassed) What? Are you sure she said that?
Me: Yes she actually said that. (Then I repeated the story of how the donkey came to our home years ago)
DH: (Now looking really embarrassed and blushing) Ok... don't know anything about that... I guess you can throw it out if you want. (Then DH changed the subject)
Yuck haha burn it. Burn it with fire. That's really gross! At least it wasn't made of her own back hair.
Delete:P
No kidding!! Ugh!
DeleteMIL has also re-gifted some very strange things to me such as a torn up leather belt that used to belong to FIL.
But, the creepiest thing she did a few years ago was figure out what 'signature' perfume that I wear and what I layer the scent with and then go on to buy it for herself and only wear it when she visits DH and me. Talk about creepy because, scent, in itself, can be a type of sexual cue; especially when it is the perfume that a woman wears to attract her husband. Well, that is the perfume MIL tried to replicate. Talk about attempting to cross signals in someone's brain. GROSS.
Gross! I find most perfumes smell different on different people- hopefully what was a gorgeous scent on you was a putrid horror-show on your MIL haha. Yup- def. creepy!
DeleteLeah, the thing with the perfume is so something my MIL would do (except I don't wear perfume). For years, she has copied the clothes I wear, and the jewelry, and became interested in activities I like. I always found it so creepy. But it's hard to call someone on something like this, because it can be easily explained away as "oh, you just have good taste! Imitation is a compliment!" But really, it is very weird to want to emulate your DIL in that way.
DeleteSeems that women who behave this way are still deeply enmeshed with their sons. Add to that a huge dose of delusion and viola-- you have a psycho MIL!
DeleteThe more refined these bastards present, the lower they will eventually sink.
ReplyDeleteLet's hope so! It's time the dreaded N cruise sank in all its glory.
DeleteI get nauseous reading this, sounds all too familiar. Happy we married without the ILs. I knew MIL would take the opportunity to mess things up. (MIL was furious,she felt challenged in her authority). She finally got her glorious moment when our son was born and she dropped a nuclear bomb on us. It is all so ugly. It is all about control. They absolutely do not care about their children. The cruelty of 'the promises' they make. I saw my husband getting happy when his mother made some fake offers, it makes me sick to my stomach to witness the cruelty of it. They abuse the hope of their children to get control.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you! Children and weaker individuals are just pawns in the hands of an angry chess player. They are casualties, not to be considered. I'm really glad they won't be around too! I've even taken freedom to make SURE our hospital gives out no information whatsoever when I am staying there for delivery. No one can find our room number even if they knew the building or date.
DeleteMON DIEU! (Head, meet keyboard!) Ohhh, you guys...I'm just..HUH?
ReplyDeleteI did not inform nor invite Psychob (My MN Birth "Mother") to our Wedding as I had terminated the relationship about 1.5 yrs. before we married. Thank gawd, my late DH never met her-or he likely wouldn't have married me!
Nasty doesn't begin to cover it. If we as adults can't deal with them, how would a child have any more of a chance than we did despite having "grown up" in The Crazy? I really endeavor to tell other AC's who are planning to get married to NOT involve the NPs in ANY way-think I just passed that on to Door Mat @ her Blog. I've yet to come across a situation involving a Narc and a Wedding, Birth etc. that has been anything less than a fiasco.
TW