Confessions from the Fog

I've been watching, listening to a lot of children's programming lately and one theme that keeps coming up is family. Even though it's fantastic to promote good family relationships I can't help but feel a little sick to my stomach as 'but we're family' turns into 'but they're familyyyyyy' in my mind. I know you can empathize with this. Watching a show or listening to a story where it was all just a huge misunderstanding and family members always work it through. I'm sorry, but real life just isn't the Waltons. Maybe this is one of the reasons I love the Harry Potter series. A supporting character, Sirius Black is shown to be excommunicated from his family of origin because they really were that wicked. He finds comfort and 'family' in his godson as well as close friends who take the place of his abusive family life. It's really quite remarkable. A children's story that doesn't emphasize the importance of indoctrinat...

Apparently I am an extremist to some, well- quite a few in particular (the N's) but I found out today someone was talking crap about me and a few others from a group I started out in looking for support years ago (that I did not find there). They called me an extremist because I essentially cut my husband's man bits off if he didn't cut off contact all the way, this person is older and obviously bitter she lives as a martyr to her husband's will to see his viper family of origin. So yeah- for the first time in my life I spouted off a concise well-pointed message to all and especially this lovely little hag, calling her out on acting JUST LIKE the in laws so many of us in the group (355 members to be exact) ran away from. I guess the N apple doesn't fall far from the N tree. Instead of being supportive of anyone's choice to live in whatever way is peaceful for their family, this person would rather hold onto the bitter resentment that others may just have caught ...

I really think part of being an ACoN is being afraid to let people in after you've had your whole ordeal with the N's in your life. And let me tell you- N's are everywhere!!! I was just talking to my DH about how we both preferred to be in our quiet-happy-bubble of a home instead of anywhere else with anyone else. Fact is, it's hard to let go of the monster of 'what-if' even if holding onto the little bit of sanity you have left means you have little left of a social life. There is a huge apathy out in the world today, a hole that is endless and causes people to keep filling it with things and toys and other people who make them happy. When something doesn't suit them, they throw it away. Be it relationship, home, family or otherwise. I believe you get what you deserve a lot of the time. Not being there for your kids means later in life they may not choose to be around you as much as YOU want, never mind how you weren't there for them in their childh...

A lot of you can probably identify in this post. It seems as an ACoN that there is just one long crap shoot after another to deal with :/ I know I've had my fill this year and it isn't even April yet! My job (the one I'm sort of MIA from as I'm a work at home mom right now) is in the public eye (hah! right?). I love my job, what I do- acting and modeling here and there. I hate the baggage that comes with it. I often switch from my married name to my maiden name to avoid being traced by the N's as much as I can. Recently a photograph of mine on my personal acting site was stolen and used without my permission or consent by another casting website. Annoying, unnerving and upsetting- I'm tracking down a way to file for my claim to right of publicity since this has hurt my career. Publicity is everything and yet- it's hard to maintain that without the N's in my business all the time. Sometimes I lie awake and wonder if this is it- our happy contact-free ...

This post is more of a PSA to help out anyone new to the world of being an ACoN- maybe your eyes were just opened or maybe something really traumatic has just happened to you to cause you to question your life up to this point. We've all been there. The pain can be staggering. In our hurt we find ourselves opening up to people, people we think we can trust- only to find out we cannot trust them and to be screwed over doubly when this person is a. uncaring or b. disloyal, sharing our pain and suffering as a way of getting attention for themselves or worse- tooting out the tune of your awful event to willing ears and wider mouths in the guise of a prayer chain, probably a prayer chain for you to forgive the person. Hah. Ok- I'm gonna go there just briefly. I really, honestly believe some things are too great for mere mortals to forgive. Period. What the N's did to me is unforgivable. I don't plan on opening my heart to them enough to do the f-word. And yes, I am at pe...

In arguing with my husband, I've noticed a pattern. If he feels he is right, he can't let it go- he HAS to explain why and 'get me to see' why, which in turn- infuriates me because he can't just admit his logic was faulty. Over the littlest things. Not that our fights always get out of hand- but this is the mentality that usually escalates it. We both hate being wrong, but he cannot be wrong because then he feels threatened. (from my perspective anyway) Then I get upset because I shouldn't have to prove I have a right to my own opinion that happens to be different from his. Blah-de-blah and on we go until someone ends up crying- usually me. That's what you get when you get two ACoN's living together under one roof- fear of being wrong, of being hurt because they're seen as 'wrong'. Two people afraid to have differing opinions because they might hurt the other, ugh. You see what I'm getting at? DH and I had a ridiculous argument about go...

This topic is something I need to be better about in my own life, so I'm posting it here for others who may need to hear this as well. It really doesn't matter where you are in the ACoN journey, the facts remain the same. You have most likely been to hell and back again and might have multiple PTSD triggers from growing up in a home less-than ideal. Most days I don't want to converse with society in any way, shape or form. Thankfully (or maybe it's a bad thing) I really don't have to so much anymore staying home with my LO. I've always been an introvert, but something about going through immense emotional trauma of an abusive relationship really takes people-fear to a whole new level. I find myself getting panicked when I feel slighted or attacked because being taken advantage of is all I've known. It's hard to react in a way normal people with non-abusive lives would react. The phrase 'be gentle with yourself' I have heard directed towards t...